Chinese New Year was a different year with the same problems. Problems don’t change when a year goes by; it’s a trigger to evoke emotions and memories of the past that we spent time together with our loved ones. And there are those who put up a strong brave front to others but actually they are slowly dying inside, and my dad’s one of them. It felt like there’s no reason for them to continue living on in life, it’s those painful excruciating moments waking up in the morning to realise they are not there and to go through the motions of trying to make yourself feel better.
I’ve come to realise believing in God is the road of suffering. You don’t really see it in Singapore, where several Christians expect to be treated like an “upper-class” in the society compared to the “Lower-class” of those who are non-believers. They live life like “Happy-go-lucky” and there are some who come to church on weekends like spiritual saint and out they go from the church like they have forgotten the teachings of the Bible, whereas in other countries, many are persecuted by their families and friends. I bet the most painful and excruciating pain for a new believer or a continual believer is the rejection of parents, it hurts more than anything to see your parents rejecting you as a Christian.
And to those who asked me, "Why do I think so much?" It's because of the situations around me, and it hurts me to see others hurt. It is almost inevitable for me not to question God's protection of other people's lives. But still, I need to learn to trust God blindly.
I’ve read a book called “The Heavenly Man” who shared about a Christian believer being persecuted in China. This is what it says “There are thousands of testimonies of Christians in China who have paid a great price for their faith. Siste Yuen Meng’en came from one of the wealthiest families in Shanghai. She was a widow with two young children; a son aged eleven and a daughter, nine, when she was imprisoned in 1967. The authorities arranged for her children to visit the prison. As soon as Sister Yuen saw them her heart was torn and tears of love welled up in her eyes.
The authorities asked her, “What do you want, your Jesus or your children? If you want Jesus you’ll stay in this prison. If you want your children, you can go home.” They gave her a pencil and a piece of paper and asked her to write down her choice. When they read what she had written, they were amazed to find she had stated in large words, “Jesus cannot be replaced. Even my own children cannot replace Jesus.” Sister Yuen chose to stay in prison. The warden shouted, “Listen, you kids! Your mother has rejected you! She doesn’t love you!”
Sister Yuen was sentenced to a further 23 years in prison. When she was released in 1981, her son was 34 years old, and worked in a government job in Tibet. Sister Yuen hadn’t seen either of her children even once in all of those intervening years. Her son had been taken by the state and raised in atheistic schools, and had been told his own mother had disowned him. Many Christians had visited and shared the gospel with him, but he always responded by saying, “Your Jesus took my mother away from me, why should I believe in Him?”
Sister Yuen travelled to Tibet to find her son. He rejected her, screamed that he had no mother and pushed her from his home. She has never seen her son again.
The path of following the Lord Jesus Christ is not an easy one. Along the way lies suffering and hardship. And perhaps many of us Christians have forgotten the first love we had with Jesus. We are so used to work for God that it becomes an obligation and routine. We’ve been chasing after the best gadgets in the world, the best homes, the best cars; everything must be the best, even in academic. We don’t want suffering, we want blessings, isn’t it right?
You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. (Revelation 2:3-5)
We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands.
"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4).
One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of a person’s life is because the loss is not one isolated loss. They will miss so many qualities and facets of the person they lost that each will become an opportunity to experience grief.
The loss of my mother creates extra depth and complexity to my grief. We shared a special and intimate connection with each other, and this relationship helped me to define who I was. Losing her has literally ripped me apart on the inside, leaving me unsure of my own identity.
"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).
And to read most of these testimonies or comments of others, a song that keeps me going through is “For you Alone.”
You are the peace that guards my heart,
my help in time of need;
You are the hope that leads me on,
and brings me to my knees.
For there I found You waiting,
And there I found release;
So with all of my heart I worship,
And unto You I sing
For You alone deserves all glory,
for You alone deserves all praise;
Father, we worship and adore You,
Father, we long to seek Your face.
For You alone deserves all glory,
for You alone deserves all praise;
Father we love You
And we worship You this day.
There are many times I tried to hold on to God’s promises but to wake up every day to face life is a challenge. Times I am so in loved with God, and times I felt God wasn’t there with me. Times I find it so difficult to cling to God’s promises and times I have hope in it.
There were so many things I wish that I didn’t do; Things that I regret doing and things that I regret not doing. Love the people around you as much as possible because you will never know when they will be gone one day. I felt that I am slowly losing you in my memories, your voice no longer seems to be lingering in my head, and your face I can no longer easily sketched out. But still, I love you mom.
"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports me in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."
Happy Chinese New Year to you all.
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