Many times I felt like giving up my Christian walk. I wasn’t really in good terms with God, and it affects my relationship with my Christian brothers and sisters in church and even my school friends. I lived through daily life moments like a passing cloud with listless emotions. It was tiring to come to school and at certain times, it was tiring to come to church.
It hurts when it comes to hurt. Even the laughing, happy-go-lucky crowd is hurting. They try to hide their hurt by telling jokes, talk about certain topics, hanging out together, but the hurt won’t go away. I had so many questions in my mind that could not seem to be answered by men and even at times the bible; it doesn’t seem to talk specifically about it.
Why would God allow millions of parents who have been deeply wounded by children who have rejected their counsel? And in return, those loving parents grieve over the deception and delinquency of children who were once tender and good.
Even the victims of broken homes are hurting, the children who lost their security are suffering, and others suffer illness: cancer, heart problems, and a myriad of other human diseases. All that is left is a broken, wounded heart. If God is God, couldn’t He have done something to prevent all these unnecessary sufferings and death? For example, if you slip over a banana, and hit your head hard on the floor and die, wouldn’t it be too ridiculous to die in that way that God says “He has a purpose for us?”
In the recent case of Darren’s Ng death, I questioned God “He’s just only 19…He has a soul in it…It’s not fair for him to die…” I then thought, didn’t God appointed a time for everyone to die? Didn’t He know what kind of roads we will take? Didn’t He know about the way we will die? Then it wouldn’t be fair for those who die in an unfortunate and unpleasant death whereas some die peacefully on their bed. Where is God then?
I read about another article which was in year 2009 about this mother who lost her 18 year old son when her child celebrated New Year’s Eve at Chinatown with his friends, and got attacked by a group of gangsters for no reason. He hit his head on the curb and 4 days later he died in the hospital. In the newspaper, one thing that it said impacted me tremendously was, “She has every right to be angry for her son’s unnecessary death.” It was true…A mother who lost her only son. How can she not be angry and felt unjustified? It would even be more difficult for her to believe in a God who loves her. Imagine sharing the gospel to her, and she will say “If God loves us so much, why God couldn’t protect my son?”
Sometimes we've prayed and it felt like God wasn't listening. And yet other times we've prayed or known someone that prayed and the situation changed. Does God answer prayer? Sometimes, but not all the time? Or does God always answer prayer it's just that sometimes God says no? some of us are angry with God for not answering the prayers we've prayed for years. Why did he answer their prayer but not ours? What if there's more to prayer than just God listening and answering? And then sometimes people say we prayed and God showed up and did a miracle. Well then where was God the rest of the time, was God somewhere else doing something else, and then apparently decided to show up here and do something that haven't been done, but should have been done, then God all of a sudden at the last minute decided to do?
Some people die unnecessarily, what about the purpose that God has promised them? What about the promise of God not forsaking us? And the list goes on. Perhaps some of these questions have no answers at the moment until we see God.
And perhaps we may not be moved by such concerns in this world. We just go “Sigh, another case like this.” And then we dismiss it. Where is the anguish? Where is the sensitivity for the person’s soul?
I thought about my mother then. As a son, she really is a silent sufferer; a loving mother and a tender housewife. To see her going through so much suffering in life pains me, and to went through dialysis for more than a decade devastates me. To see her in the last days in the hospital tore my heart apart; to see her in the coffin, crushed my spirit, to see her cremated, it kills me from the inside. To see my father going through the silent tears and anguish in his heart, rips me apart.
What hurts most is that perhaps I know my love for God is strong, yet I can’t seem to understand what God is trying to work out in my life. I wasn’t running, I wasn’t rejecting God in any way, I long to do His will, to please Him and only to serve Him with all that is in me. And in just 2 years of my Christian walk, all these things happened. And that is why my hurting is so debilitating. It makes me feel that is something terribly wrong with me. I questioned my spiritual depth, even my sanity. From somewhere deep inside my head, a voice whispers, “Maybe, I have done so many wrong things. Maybe I’m being hurt so deeply because God can’t see much good in me. I must be so out of his will. He is using this to discipline me to make me obedient.”
During these seasonal periods of mine, countless friends came by my side. I know many of my friends try so hard to help. I thanked God for their care and concern. Most other human hurts are only physical, but a heart that is wounded must carry a pain that is both physical and spiritual. My friends can only help sooth the physical pain of a broken heart. When they are there, laughing, loving and caring, the physical pain eases and there is a temporary relief. But night falls, and with it comes the terror of spiritual agony. Pain is always worse in the night. Loneliness falls like a cloud, when the sun disappears. The hurting explodes when I’m all alone, constantly trying to understand how to cope with the inner voices and fears that keep surfacing. Time doesn't helps to erase the pain, it magnifies it.
I thought, my friends who really don’t understand what I am going through, offer all kinds of solutions. I thought "They can go 'Hallelujah' and 'Amen' because they never had the worse of worsts problems." Some perhaps may get impatient with me. To see them mostly happy and carefree, at those time and they can’t understand why I don’t simply snap out of it. Maybe they suspect I am indulging in self-pity. I was reminded that the world is filled with heartbroken, hurting people who have survived. More often, they want to pray the one-time, cure-all, solve-everything prayer. I was told to “Release my faith, claim a promise, confess a cure, and walk away from my despair.”
I thank God for well-meaning friends, but if they could experience my agony for even one hour, they would be changing their tunes. To put them in my place just once, feeling what I feel, experiencing the inner pain I carry, and hopefully they would say “How in the world can you take it? I couldn’t handle what you are going through!”
I thought my days of being a fervent Christian are over and now having to just go through the motions of rituals of coming to church, saying “I’m ok” to my friends, and hoping God would touch me.
I hesitated to come to Rhema 2010. I thought to myself, it will be the same anyway. But two of my friends, Nicholas and Yi Xian, persuaded me to come. I then took this opportunity to ask my dad to follow and without hesitation, he agreed. I was in shocked and was slightly gleeful about the agreement he gave. On that Sunday night of Rhema, I was afraid my dad would feel weird and uncomfortable about the worship and sermon. But he didn’t. I was happy that his heart was willing to listen to my translation of the worship songs and the sermon.
I came for the last 2 days of Rhema, and it impacted me tremendously. I heard of Amos Poh sharing and 1 thing stayed on my heart was “Life is difficult; life without Jesus is even more difficult.” How true…
Honestly, I still couldn’t let go of my mom’s death. Everything in my mind is still fresh, from the day when was still alive, until to the cremation. Everything is just stuck in my head. I can’t erase it. She’s my mother and I love her a lot.
And what it feels like without a mother suddenly is uncomfortable. Perhaps I am going to share what are the 10 things it feels weird without a mother suddenly are:
1) I miss her home cooked foods
2) I miss her presence
3) I miss her voice
4) I miss her actions
5) I miss her hugging
6) I miss going out with her
7) I miss doing household chores with her
8) I miss her watching television
9) I miss her sleeping
10) I miss her laughing
People always said that, “You never know how much something is worth until you lose it.” But in reality, “We always knew how much it is worth, we just thought we would never lose it.”
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