People told me to be strong. It’s difficult and I ain’t strong. I tried to hang in there, put on a smile and wait for time to anesthetize my pain. But I suspect all the rules and clichés about loneliness are coined by happy, unhurt people. It sounds good, but it is not true. Days, weeks and then months go by, and the agony hangs on. The hurting won’t go away, no matter what the calendar says. Time may push the pain deeper into the mind, but one tiny memory can bring it to the surface.
To be truthful, being told to look into the bible characters and learn from them; it sometimes questioned my spiritual depth. It doesn’t help much, either, to know Christians having to suffer before down through the ages. I can identify with the suffering of Bible Characters who survived tremendous ordeals of pain. But knowing that others have gone through great battles doesn’t calm the hurt in my own heart. When I read how they victoriously came out of their battles, and I still haven’t, it only adds to my hurt. It makes me feel as though they were very close to God to receive such answers to their prayers. It makes me feel unworthy of the Lord because my problem lingers on, in spite of all the spiritual efforts that I have put in.
There are some who told me not to question God and just continue to live life for God. Like “Wow”, an overrated simple fact that seems impossible to persistently cling on to. Many have different definition of suffering, some are spiritual suffering and some are physical suffering. The different variation of levels of perceiving suffering too.
There are a number of growing Christians are at the breaking point. None of the talk about giving up has to do with the Lord. Few Christians would even dare to entertain thoughts of quitting on their love for Jesus. Most despairing Christians think only of giving up on themselves. You hear it at times, “I just can’t go on anymore. I can’t make it, even though I try so hard. It seems hopeless. Why continue trying?”
And there are also several ministers today continually preach only a positive message. To hear them tell it, every Christian is receiving miracles; everybody is getting instant answers to prayer; everybody is feeling good, living good and the whole world is bright and rosy. I love to hear that kind of preaching because these are good and healthy things for Christians. But that’s not the way things are for a great number of very honest and sincere Christians. No wonder there are several young people are the verge of giving up in defeat. They can’t live up to the image, created by religion of a happy-go-lucky-rich, successful and always being a positive thinking Christian. Their world is not that idealistic. They look in a mirror reflecting a face being covered with ugly pimples and acne scars. They live with heartbreaks; hour-by-hour crisis, horrible family problems and their friends aren’t there. They look into the uncertain future, frightened and worried. Loneliness, fear and depression hound them daily.
Positive thinking won’t make their problems go away. Confessing these problems don’t really exist and it doesn’t really change a thing. The Bible has become a catalogue, with unlimited order blanks for life’s goodies for everyone who wants to become a “Godly” Saint. Anything having to do with Job-like pain and suffering is considered negative living. We don’t name our child under the names of the Biblical characters who suffered tremendously. We named after those who came out victoriously in the Bible. We are perhaps rather superstitious in our faith of who to follow in the Bible. Perhaps many prayed not wanting to be like Job while others admired the faith of the mighty apostles and the prophets through the ages.
And why do we feel this way? Why do we feel like giving up at times? Mostly because we act as if God has forsaken the Earth. We don’t doubt His existence or His reality, but our prayers seem to go unanswered. We cry out for His help, in such desperation, and He seems not to hear. We struggle along, making one mistake after another. We make promises to do better; we get into the Bible, cry and pray and stay busy helping others and doing good. But we are so often left with an empty, unfulfilled sensation. The promises of God haunt us. We claim those promises in what we believe is honest, childlike faith, but time after time we failed to receive what we ask for. In the hour of temptation, we succumb to it.
Sometimes, the people we knew in Church began to act indifferently after certain period of time and you don’t know why. Usually the people, who suffer more, have more anguish and question God the most. Many told me through different types of trials, don’t ask God “Why” but rather ask God “What, what do You want me to learn?” It wasn’t easy to really constantly being placed in a Christ-like attitude to face through trials saying “What do you want me to learn.” It is more natural as a human response to ask “Why does this happen?”
And sometimes, it is so easy to compare our lives with other Christians. Having to sit in church and watch those all around us getting bless, while at times, I felt nothing. They cry, they pray, they worship with tremendous feelings. But I was not moved upon at all. I begin to wonder if there is something wrong with my spiritual life. An unresolved issue? A hidden sin? Maybe. Christians all around me are perhaps telling great stories about how God is blessing them and answering their prayers. They seem to live on a mountain top of happy experiences, while I just plod along, loving Jesus but not really setting the world on fire. Some of my prayers still have not been answered. I don’t shout or put on an emotional display. I have no big stories to tell about some fantastic miracles I have witnessed. It almost makes me feel like I am a second class believer. And perhaps, many of you could relate to this kind of situation.
Every Christian on this planet reaches that crisis point at one time or another in life. And in that moment, when the walls seem to be caving in and the roof appears to be collapsing, when everything seems to be coming apart and sin demands the upper hand, a voice deep within cries out, “Walk away from it all. Escape! Why put up with it? Run away!” David in the Bible was overwhelmed by the evil in his heart cried out,
“Wake up, O Lord! Why do you sleep? Get up! Do not reject us forever. Why do you look the other way? Why do you ignore our suffering and oppression?” (Psalm 44:23-24)
Job was a perfect man, in God’s sight. Yet he, too experienced a time when he wanted to give up. Job’s agony came from a terrible dilemma. He was convinced in his heart that God knew where he was and what he was going through; yet he could not enter into the presence of God. He lamented,
“I go east, but he is not there. I go west, but I cannot find him. I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden. I look to the south, but he is concealed.” (Job 23:8-9)
Job was saying to himself, “I know God is there someplace, looking down on me in all my trouble. He knows the way I take. But in spite of all I do to find Him, He keeps hiding from me. I believe God is real, He is there but I just can’t see Him.” In Total desperation, Job sobs,
“No wonder I am so terrified in his presence. When I think of it, terror grips me. God has made me sick at heart; the Almighty has terrified me.” (Job 23:15-16)
All those fearful and troubled thoughts about God were the result of what Job thought was a divine do-nothingness. Job argues that God doesn’t cut him off, yet He doesn’t remove the darkness.
“Darkness is all around me; thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere.” (Job 23:17)
The bottom line for Job was simply this. Either cut me down or make things right. Just don’t be silent toward me. Even if You cut me off, at least I will know You are there.
We are puzzled and bewildered whenever we see suffering in this world because we have become accustomed to the mercy and the long-suffering of God. Amazing grace is no longer amazing to us.
When my body is pained, it is not wrong to wish for relief. When overtaken by sickness, it is not wrong to send for the physician. You may call this selfishness, which He who made us what we are, and who gave us these instincts, expects us to act upon; and in acting on which, we may count upon his blessing, not his rebuke. It is not wrong to dread hell, to desire heaven, to flee from torments, to long for blessedness, to shun condemnation, and to desire pardon.
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