Absence makes my heart grows fonder

As I looked at my calendar, it’s almost a month where my mother had passed away. Honestly, it is difficult to live each day without having flashbacks and memories of her when my father and I would spend time with her. Days and days go by, and the absence of her makes my heart grows fonder. Never a day where would I stop missing her.

The recollection of thoughts and flashbacks of my mother in the hospital are still so vivid and clear. You know what's the most painful, excruciating and devastating pain, being a son can receive? To see my own mother slowly dying in front of my eyes in the hospital. To see her in great pain and suffering where she laid on the hospital bed, emotionless, with tubes inserted to her mouth, nose, and hands. It pains me as a son to see her in such a state and certainly, it definitely pains my father.

I remember, on one of the visits, my mother was in a coma. I stood there, still and quiet, looking at her pale face with all the machines around her, and it’s really scary to see my mother going through that. I did not know what to do but my heart was slowly torn each moment. I mean it was my mother that I was looking at, to see her going through so many agonies in life. Even though she was in a coma, I believe that I saw her first tear when she was in a coma, and slowly the tear rolled down her cheek.

As I watched the tear rolled down her cheek, I cried. I had this tingling feeling that the tear is an indication that she knew her time was nearing and there was nothing she or the doctors could do. The tear meant so much to me and I believe it meant a lot to her. I could feel her sorrows that she could not see me growing up, to have a wife, and to have children. She could not babysit my children, she could not be there when I have a problem, and she could not be at my side forever. All she knew is that her journey ends there, and not being able to go through it with me and my dad. It's just like saying "Son, I really love you...I am sorry, I can't make it anymore...Take care son...I really, really do love you..."

As a child, I really sympathise my mother. Why? What on earth did she do to deserve all these sufferings in her life? From young, she came from a poor family, and she had no food to eat, causing her to have illness and diseases in life when she grew up. When I was 8 years old, my mother had diabetes and each day, she had to go through dialysis. Can you feel her pain and suffering? Imagine going dialysis through 10 over the years, and not to mention her sufferings she went through when she was younger. I mean all she could ever ask for and wanted in life was a healthy body. It really isn’t fair for her, it really isn’t...

Looking back at the photo albums tore my heart slowly. To see her lovely smile when she held me in her arms when I was a baby. Where the times she took the spoon, filled with congee and fed me when I was a toddler. The times where she would tuck me into bed, took the blanket and cover me and stroke my forehead to sleep. The times where she would personally come to the school gate when I was in primary school to fetch me home after school. God...I miss those days already.

I have to admit, I am not a good child either. Even though I really love her from the bottom of my heart but I took her love for granted, that sometimes I really want her to stop nagging, stop talking and etc. But now it really happened...

Memories of the last moment I had with my mother in the hospital still continue to play in my mind. I still had those traumatizing flashbacks to see my mother slowly dying in front of my eyes. It was a continuous battle of my prayers and faith with God that each time I prayed for healing for my mother, her condition gets worse. Each time that I see her condition worsen, it diminishes my hope that I have in God. I really sympathise my mother. I really do because she loves me so much, she loves my dad, she just wants an ordinary life, and she just wants a healthy body. She really doesn’t deserve the 54 years of suffering on earth. Mom...please take care, I really love you...