Absence of a Presence

It has been almost a week after since my mother has passed away. Home doesn't feels like home anymore without the presence of my mother and her familiar voice. Simply known as, an Absence of a Presence.

Day and night, I could not stop myself from thinking about the times I do things together with my mother, the simple activities that we always do, as a son and mother. Every night, I would think of my mother. The last dinner she cooked for my family before she passed away, the last words she spoke to me before she passed away, the days where I stood beside her bed in the hospital before she passed away, and the last time I saw her before she passed away.

Each time as I think about it, it agonises my heart. I still remember the last dinner she cooked for me, was my favourite dish, “Unagi” which is known as Japanese eel, with black sesame seeds on top and the soy sauce on with it. That was my last dinner with her at home. Each time as I sat on the dining table, I thought of my mother, where she would cook the rice, bring the dishes out from the kitchen and place it on the dining table. But now, she isn’t there anymore to do all these things.

The last words she ever spoke to me before she passed away were, “I’m going to the hospital son.” Tears began to flow as I thought of it, that as a son, seeing your mother going to the hospital is something that agonizes your heart, and knowing that she passed away in the hospital with sickness pains you.

Thoughts of the times where I stood beside her bed in the hospital are so clear and vivid in my mind. The last moments where I put my hand on her forehead and stroked her hair back while she laid there unconscious in her coma state before she passed away. The last moments where I cried in front of my emotionless mother and tears dropped on her fragile hand.

Then thoughts of biblical truth came to my mind. For a believer, the death of an unsaved loved one is very difficult. Sometimes it seems we will never find comfort or peace of mind when we know the destiny awaiting the unsaved...

After my mother died, I searched articles about “Whether an unsaved person can still be saved when they die.” Several articles I came across, the answer was simply, no. It shatters my heart, really. Knowing that my mother poured out her entire life for me, and yet she suffers in hell because of me, is a huge burden of guilt and responsibility that I carry every single day. My mother is rather religious in the sense that she is fearful and scared of gods. She is afraid to accept Christ because she is not ready and she is afraid of offending the other gods, which I don't blame her, but I just wish she knew the truth earlier...

Many people told me that God may have spoken to her when she was in her coma state and she will be in heaven. Sometimes, I tried very hard to trust in that because the bible clearly states that only those who truly believe in Jesus will only go to heaven. And there is no second chance after death to accept Christ.

I told God, “My mother poured out her life for my family, she loved me so dearly. And she’s going to hell? I mean what kind of love is that to send a loving person into hell?”

I feel so horrible, sitting here on earth, not knowing about my mother’s destiny in the spiritual realm. And here I am, lamenting about it. I really want to do something to “save her” to bring to heaven. It’s the least I can do for her. I am worried about her, I really do. She must be all scared and lonely in the spiritual realm…