In all these 3 days of my mother’s wake, questions kept reappearing to my mind. It was an emotional struggle and a “Faith-Struggle” for me in the sense that “Is Christianity the right ‘Religion.’” Within the 3 days, I was forced to do all the rituals and I was put in a difficult position. As many of my relatives were there, I don’t want to create havoc and make trouble in saying “No I don’t want to do all these” but rather, I just want to “Get-it-done-with.” I had to hold the joss sticks and the papers; bowing down to statues and idols, doing certain rites and it was all exhausting and painful for me. Each time as I was called to do the rituals, I cried within my heart, “God…how…what am I supposed to do…?”
It seems like everyone still expect so much from me after my mother’s death. Be filial to my father, spend more time with him, understand him, care for him, be thoughtful for him and it was a continuous state of the same sayings from my relatives. I understand their intentions but can’t they spare a thought for me that I needed peace; I need them, my relatives to understand me too. I didn’t ask for all these things to happen at all. Who in the right mind will ask for all these crazy things to happen?
As the rituals ended, we departed from my block and the undertakers took the coffin and put it into a van. We were then told to follow behind the van as a form of “Walking-the-last-round-with-my-mother.” However, it was still all too sudden that my mother had passed away even though it was 4 days apart. It was too overwhelming for me, too much burden and anguish within my heart. It was difficult for others to understand what I am really going through and I had to go through these rituals, the death of my mother, and the comments from my relatives and all these crazy events that were happening.
I went into the crematorium to witness my mother’s body being cremated. It was such excruciating devastating pain for me and my dad. It cannot be helped but the nostalgic moments kept coming back about the time spent with my mother, with tears flowing down from my eyes.
As I sat on the chartered bus back to my house, my mind was embedded with the fact that I really find it difficult to believe in God. I really do. I told God that “You know how difficult it will be to share the gospel to my father if You take away my mother and yet You take her away. What is it that You really want? Why must You make things so complicated in order for people to receive salvation?”
I told God it wasn’t fun in ruining my family, by taking away my mother and being forced to go through the rituals, having everyone at the wake to see my actions. And what was very poignant was that my dad said, “Son…don't you think our religions separate us apart? I will burn joss sticks and joss papers to mom. Next time when I die, don’t burn offerings to me.” He wept as he said those words. I was left speechless and broken down in tears.
I asked God, “Why to make religion so disastrous in families?” You know…so many thoughts came to my mind. I asked God, “Why do You have to make it so complicated? Why religion in a sense is so disastrous in families? Is it really that worth it, that I follow You, I see my mom passed away, when I follow You, I see my dad in agony, when I follow you, I lost everything?”
I continued asking God, “I am just a 2 year old Christian and is it really what You want the best for me by doing all these while I see others enjoying their Christian lifestyle having the best of their time. Why do you make salvation so difficult for my family? Isn’t it unfair when I start to believe in You, all these crazy events happened over the past 2 years while others are just having what they want as Christians?”
I told God, “Why…why make things difficult for me..? It hurts so much to be me, just being in my life myself. I hate my life so much. I wish that You can kill me right now. It’s just too painful to see my family broken apart and I can’t bear to see my dad continue this agony of pain anymore, to see him watching the television to recollect his memories that he had spent time with my mother.”
I continued, “I love my mother so much and I embraced her so much, kissed her, hugged her when she was alive. But why take her away when I see others not appreciating their mothers. It wasn’t fun ruining my family.”
As a 17-year-old son, I did not work and couldn’t give back to my mother when she was alive. During the rituals, I had the urge to offer joss papers to my mother as a form of “Giving-back” to her as a love offering. But I choose not to. It pains me so much that I chose God over my mother during the rituals, refrained from burning the joss papers as a way to give something back to my mom, but I can’t.
Some told me, “Do you think God is enjoying this when He did this to your family?”
Emotions and doubts overwhelmed me. I replied in haste, “But why God doesn’t want to prevent it from happening. He has the power, the capabilities to stop Satan and make salvation available to my mother and easier for my parents. But why couldn’t He…? And what purpose is there for Him to do all these?”
I mean I am a Christian for 2 years, but to suffer so much now for God like…why others who are born Christians do not need to go through this pain that much? It’s like I just believe in God and all these things happened. I know there is a lesson but of all ways to teach, why death?
During the funeral, I heard from my mother’s sister saying that since my mother was born, she has sickness all the way till her death. I then questioned and asked God “Obviously, isn’t it difficult for her to believe that there is a God who loves her since she is suffering so much on Earth? And yet if she dies…and goes to hell…isn't it unfair to my mother because how can she not have her case justified? That having to suffer over 50 years on earth…It’s not easy for her!
This was my mother’s cause of death.
Cause of death: End Stage Renal Disease with Septicaemia due to Lupus Nepuritis
It’s difficult for my dad and I to really stay strong in these times of anguish and grievances. Perhaps I am not strong enough. As I read Job when the Lord speaks, He spoke about how He has created everything when The job wasn’t there and Job couldn’t control the creations. But each time I wonder, words just couldn’t express the pain that we are going through. It's not about getting sentimental, emotional and nostalgic...it's the sight of reality to see the loved ones who are suffering in your eyes that pains you.
Indeed the song..."He gives and takes away, and still, I will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name." Songs like this were so passive to us when we sing but now I realised...It's really difficult to trust in God when times like this happen...
It’s really tough being a 1st generation Christian…
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