I loved my mother very much when she was alive. I would spend time chatting and talking to her, sometimes we even "play quarrelling" together at home and even we would kiss and hug each other when we see each other walk around the house. But I really regretted not sharing the gospel sincerely. I always present it to her in such a way that it was "Fragmented Evangelism." Simply saying would be "Bit-by-Bit" Gospel sharing.
Well, my family believes in Taoism and it’s difficult for me to really share Christ to them because their beliefs were very strong in their 'gods'. Sometimes the way I would present would be walking to my mother and hug her and later say "Jesus loves you, do you love Him?" She would sometimes nod her head or say "Ya la, ya la." I know words without action would be useless to prove that I am a Christian or Christ changed me. Sometimes I would mop the house, sweep the floor, and help my mother hang clothing outside the window to dry or massage her back for her. We at times would sleep together and even embraced one another closely. These were some of my ways hoping my mother would get a hint knowing that I love her affectionately and deeply, showing Christ love to her.
But I know I would also need to base on God’s word to share to her, like reading Bible verses to her but I was rather reluctant and think of what my mother would say. I dragged and delayed in sharing the gospel to her and giving excuses by telling myself, “I would share tomorrow.”
My mother was very loving towards me, even though at times loving in scolding me too. She would wake up every morning to buy breakfast from the market for me when I am asleep. And sometimes I would even complain about the food she bought home. We would spend time talking for a moment in the afternoon and I would continuously ask her “What’s for lunch or what’s for dinner.” These were our random chats at times when we were bored at home.
On Wednesday, 22 September 2010, my mother was admitted to the hospital. Well, because she was a dialysis patient for over 10 years, it was normal for her to have frequent visits to the hospital, so I wasn't much affected by it or having much concern because it was too passive for me to feel anything. My dad told me that the doctor said she had an infection and it was very serious and she needs to be put into the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) for observation. The doctor said that she needs to go through a major operation to eradicate the infection. However, the doctor said it was too risky because she has low blood pressure and her kidney, lungs and heart were failing. So they had to stabilize her heart first before operating her. The doctor told us to be prepared because of the chances of her surviving the operation will be low.
I was deeply affected by what the doctor and cried out to God in desperation. I told God, “I will trust in You and believe that You will heal her.” On Thursday, 23 September 2010, the doctor said she may begin to go through the operation and it started around 2pm to 3:30pm. The operation was successful and I was very delighted and thanked God for the successful operation. When I visited my mother, she was able to move her hands and able to recognise us. It was a painful thing to see my mother in the hospital wards with tubes inserting to her body, machines around her and it was an agonising moment for my dad and I. Although the doctors said that the operation was over, they told me that the danger was not over because my mother was still weak and unstable. We said goodbye to her and left the hospital at 10pm and reached home and I slept at 12.30am. I thanked God and asked God to continue healing her for a speedy recovery.
Then, at 1.15am, my dad woke me up and said: “Son, the doctor called and your mother is in critical condition.” I sat on my bed in astonishment, fear, anxiety, shock, and wonder. I told God “What? Again? God please, help her.” We rushed down to the hospital in my dad’s vehicle, with him crying as he drove. I was left speechless throughout the ride, I just couldn't believe that these kind of things are happening to me. We then reached the hospital at around 2am.
The doctor told us that my mother had a stroke at the back of the brain and was in a coma. I cried in my heart, all the things I have done with my mother at home brought me to tears. “I told God “Why…? Can’t you just heal her and stop the pain?” I stood beside her; both my dad and I were in tears, broken and in agony. I told God, “God you know how much I need her and I can’t bear to see her gone. God, please don’t take her away and ruin our family.” We stood till 3:45am around there and the doctor told us to wait in the waiting room as he needs to check my mother. We went to the waiting room and my dad and I had a serious talk. My dad told me “If mom is gone, you have to be strong. I will take care of you.” I cried and cried and it was just too painful for me to accept all these sudden events.
We were too tired and slept till 5:30am thereabouts. The nurses then rushed into the waiting room and told us that it was an emergency. We rushed into my mom’s ward and the doctor stood there with a solemn look. I knew it was bad news I was about to hear. The doctor told us, “Her heartbeat is very unstable and at any time, she may pass away, be prepared.” My heart took another devastating blow from the news. Immediately, I cried to God again “God please, please I beg you to restore her and heal her. Please don’t take her; I have not shared the Gospel to her.”
I looked at her, her face was emotionless, and tubes were inserted to her mouth, nose and hands. I couldn't bear the pain and suffering she was going through. We then waited outside and the doctor took another check on her. The doctor later told us, “I’m sorry, we did our best, and she has passed away. You may have your private time with her.”
The moment I heard those words from the doctor, I was very extremely devastated. The only question on my mind was “Why? God, why did you take her away and not let me share the Gospel to her?” My dad spoke in Hokkien to her “You go first, see the light, take care of yourself.” He wept and wept and was in constant tears. I was left speechless. Being left with my dad and I, in the family. I cried and ask my mom “Why do you have to leave me!?” Why!” I regretted not taking good care of her much when she was alive.
I was getting all emotional, sentimental and nostalgic moments of memories came to my mind. The times when my mother took care of me when I was a baby, the toys she bought for me, the time when she took me to see a doctor, the time when she took me to school, the time we would spend in the kitchen chatting, kissing and hugging one another.
I regretted with guilt in my heart, remorseful in tears and words just could not describe the pain I was going through. Questions came to my mind and I was just shooting God. I simply do not know what to do because I know in the Bible it says that “Only those who have Jesus, can go to heaven.”
These words shook me so much and I plead, bargained and cried to God saying “God please, forgive my mother. She suffered so much on earth, having to go through dialysis every single day for 10 years, taking care of me, buying the things I want, cook the food I liked, and loving me so much. Please let her go to heaven. Don’t take her to hell.” I know that God’s words in the Bible are fixed but I was in the desperation of wanting my mother to have a better life in the spiritual realm. I don’t want her life to be in eternal suffering, having to suffer on earth and later in hell. I pleaded with God and cried and cried. I just simply don’t know what to do. I was struck with guilt and accountability of my mother’s death on her spiritual side. I wished I could do it more rather than delaying. I wished I would spend time more with her than I ever did, and all these wishes of wanting to do things with her keep coming and coming.
As I went home with my dad, I was in remorse, guilt and sorrows. I called and messaged several people about my mom’s death. We then went home, as I stepped inside the house, I broke into tears. Knowing I would see my mother at the couch watching television. Now, she is no longer there watching the television. I walked into the kitchen, looking around the places where she would stand and cook, and where we would hug one another. Tears kept flowing down. I went into my parents' room and looked at the bed where she would sleep. Where at times we would sleep together and embraced one another. Now, it was just a shattered dream for me. I was screaming in my heart, anguish overwhelmed me and sorrows engulfed me.
I just pray that God will allow my mother to go to heaven and allow her soul to have eternal peace with God. I don’t want to have eternal separation from my mother even though I know what the Bible says. But I plead with God for mercy, compassion and forgiveness for my mother’s soul. I really am very guilty, accountable and remorseful for not loving her more, doing things for her more and even sharing the gospel boldly to her more. I know it’s no point crying over spilt milk, but I really wished I could do it more. Sometimes I just wished that this was a horrible nightmare and I would wake up from it.
Please cherish your parents even though they hate you, scold you or nagged at you. Because you will never know when they will pass away and leave you hanging there, empty and void. Be filial to them when they are alive because you will regret when they are gone. Love them genuinely and sincerely and show them through your actions and words. I really miss my mother a lot and pray that God will be merciful to her and allow her to heaven…
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