The Hurting That Won't Stop

On 5th April of 2011, my dad and I went down to the columbarium at Choa Chu Kang Cemetery at about 10am. When we reached there, the place was filled with a vast crowd of people paying their respect to their loved ones. It was just dad and I as we walked solemnly towards my mother’s grave unit. It seems like yesterday she just died only even though 6 months had passed.

 

How do you feel if it was your own mother's picture there?

It was a month where the Taoists believers will come and pray to their loved ones. So many of them don't know Christ at all. It was just painful to know that so many of their passed away loved ones, are spending their eternity in hell which I was afraid my mom will be too. But unknowingly, these people are clinging on to their hope to see their loved ones in heaven. It just breaks my heart so much that so many lost souls are out there.



People preparing to offer joss sticks to their loved ones

You don’t know how spiritually drained I was, as if physically was not enough, and to be accompanied with mental and emotional, It was just too excruciating for my dad and I. I looked at him; it was just too painful for him. He stayed silent to cover up his hurts and pains. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. Life’s a real screw up to me and definitely, to him as well. Everything was just crazy.



My dad's preparing to offer up some joss sticks to my mother

When I reached my mother’s grave unit, I saw her picture embedded on the grave wall itself. I felt so torn apart, so bitter and angry but yet depressed. It’s like I just lost everything really. My dad always hold on to this little hope he has that he will see my mother once again in heaven together. It just breaks my heart each time. To witness such brokeness lives they had in my mom's and dad's life. They don't deserve this.



Offerings for my mother

If I may be thick skinned a bit, I would want to share everything.

Somehow I felt that whenever I go to the Church, it seems like it is a masquerade, with smiling, successful, several wealthy, happy, and almost perfect families there. I have no family to sit with. My family is broken. My family are not believers. I am alone in almost all the situations I am in, not successful in life, am not rich, don’t have stylish clothes. To them, I somehow felt that I am a ‘loser’. It is almost like “survival of the fittest” in the Church. I do not fit in. I am not like them.



Sometimes I do feel like I am the only one who fails, the only one who falls. Everyone’s lives seem so perfect and everyone seems so strong, so I just tucked it all away and pretend that I am okay. It doesn’t just have to do with going to church, but with life in general. Sometimes I just have so much pain and confusion in my life that I don’t know what else to do but act like it’s all okay when really I am ready to fall apart because I feel so alone.



I’ve been going through a hard time since September 2010. My mom was diagnosed with a disease that killed her and for a long time, it seems like I struggled so much when the Church told me they will be there. Now they see me like as if I am alright, I am fine, everything’s well, don’t bother to talk deeper into it. I had to come to school to face my school mates’ attitudes, to put with them, to pretend I am alright, doing good and almost everywhere with a fake smile. I fell apart each time I am alone.



I do know people at times cared for me, but whenever they talked to me, it seems so easy for them, it’s like their life problems are probably school works, friendship problems, and generic issues. And when they gave solutions, it doesn’t really solved much of the situations I was in, somehow at times I felt worse. Now I am expect to give them a smile to show them that through their advices, I am doing well because I don’t want to hurt them.



Perhaps I am asking too much? I don’t know. Now it seems like I felt as if nobody cared and I got suicidal. Many times I contemplated to commit suicide. I am still in the middle of all this drama and I’m trying on to get through but it’s very difficult to. I feel that nobody cares and I do go to church. I don’t like all these crazy stuffs that are happening anymore and it’s just a bunch of drama and crap.



You know, I am sick and tired of people telling me “Hey you know Kah Sheng, we are not perfect, and we can’t be there always for you and bla bla bla.”

I sat on my bed, as I watch the minutes tick by. I get a thought in my head and I start to cry. 18 years with you and to know that you are dead. All I knew and all I wanted to do with you died too. They say they know I'll be okay. What the heck do they know. They don't live each day with pain, and think of the day you went away.



I don't really care whether if you think I am emotional, melodramatic kind of person as a teenage boy.
After 1 month, throw me away like some piece of crap.
Everyone's too busy for shit and stuff.
Everyone gave that “Bo-chap” attitude to one another.
Don’t tell me how to live my life when you don’t even want to walk with me.
Don’t tell me you really care when you don’t.
You can talk to them but you won’t talk to me.
Yeah, you can give up some excuses saying I’ve forgotten about you.
This shows how much I meant so little in your heart as a friend.
I thought of you every single day because I look to you as physical help in need.
Don’t tell me you love me when you have no time for me.
See me like never see me like that, might as well be strangers.
Would the Love of Jesus be enough to make you stay?