Life of a Wallflower

I could never understand why I still tried so hard, for people who will never care for me. I just want you to understand, that I have no friends. Sounds bullshit? Maybe to you. Perhaps I might be oblivious to the people around my social life? Perhaps. Why is it that the notion of people's mind is that everyone should have a friend? It's such an awful deception and lie. But what I do know is, I really don't have any friends. Yes, maybe I have "friends" but no one is really there for me when I need it. To them, I've always been the "funny one" in my "friends" group, but they have no idea that I'm actually in a really dark place in life and I'm afraid that if I tell them, it might be a buzzkill and they won't want to hang out with me anymore. I wish I had someone who really cared about me. My whole life, I just had people who wanted stuff from me and pretended to be my friend to get on my good side. When I ran out of stuff, I ran out of friends.

People always said, "Kah Sheng, you have a nice body and decent looking face, I bet you sure have a lot of admirers and friends." Truth to be told, people think that I have a lot of friends, but I really don't. I am just here for everyone. If someone feels sad, I'm here for them to talk to. No matter how much I dislike them, I never want anyone to feel alone. I'm the friend that nobody really talks to or wants to hang out with unless they really have nothing to do or want something from me. I really have no real friends. Everyone thinks I'm attention seeking when I say "I have no friends" when I'm actually not and it's really annoying.

The fact that I'm working, I'm still eager to meet up with people despite my fatigue. But no one ever asks me out for a meal or dinner date. No one ever does because I look like a Malay, have acne scars and ugly as fuck to the people around me. People gave me a thousand and one reasons not to meet up with me but I don't know why the hell I'm still trying to meet up with people which in return, rejection follows.

My daily life would be going to work, take a bus back home, have dinner at home, gym, watch youtube and sleep; from Monday all the way to Friday. The weekends are just, me and me alone. I hate that I really have no friends that honestly wants to hang out with me, or genuinely wants to know me more and stay in my life. Other than my dad and my work associates, you know sometimes I would like to go out for a meal/hang out with a genuine friend and just talk and have a good time, to feel appreciated and valued. But what an audacious thought I wish to have. I truly have no friends, no one makes an effort to talk to me, so I honestly gave up, on the community and myself, like it wouldn't matter if I wasn't here anymore.

People always said that they're busy. To everyone, I'm never a priority. I've learnt the hard way on the difference between someone who speaks to me in their free time, and someone who frees their time to speak to me. Because when one day I'm on my breaking point and I'm about to end it all. My last hope for someone to be there for me won't be there because of his busyness, then maybe, in fact, it's true that I'm never anyone's priority. I mean why would I be to anyone? 

You don't know pain until you're staring at yourself in the mirror with tears, streaming down your face, and you're just begging, begging so hard to yourself to just hold and be strong. That is real pain. I'm tired of feeling unloved and unwanted. Nothing hurts more than knowing I meant nothing to everyone whom I came across in my life.

Sorry if I don't look like 'Hagen Troy' or 'Jerome Alexander Chan'. They're famous/cute/good looking, whatever you named it. But people like me with the biggest heart never had the opportunity given by others to show what I really have to offer to them. I know I'm not good looking at them, neither am I cute or have the sweetest smile. My face is cratered with acne scars and look god damn fucking hideous. This resulting from the monstrous appearance of mine leads me to anxiety, reduced self-esteem and depression with thoughts of suicide. People might think pimples/acne and scars are no big and its just part of a growing phase of teenage life to adulthood but no. For fuck's sake people who said it's no big deal never had to deal with extreme cases of acne and scars in their life.

But what I do know that is that if you need someone to have a good heart to heart talk, someone to cry upon or someone to love by, I'm sure my heart is willing. But because people choose looks over the heart, I know I'm never going to be valued by anyone. 

To others in the gay community, I'm in, all they want from me is sex or nudes. Aren't I worth more than just that? Is it so difficult to ask for true friendship or relationship? I honestly don't know how to make friends anymore. There are so much brewing thoughts within my mind. It's such an unhappy place to be at. Sometimes, I just can't tell anybody how I really feel. Not because I don't know why. Not because I don't know my purpose. Not because I don't trust them. But because I can't find the right words to make them understand.

I rarely had anyone close to confide in and talk to. I literally can scroll through my contact list in my phone and never could find someone to say to myself, "You know what, that's the person I'm going to call when I have some things to talk about." My blog is my personal "being" who could know me so well, probably that's because it's me talking to me anyway. I wish I have true friends to honestly feel like I meant something to them in their lives. When I realised that I have no "friends", that I've never really had any. No one who willingly invites me to dinner. No one who hangs out with me, that's where I really ask myself, "What's wrong with me?"

Sometimes I can never understand how society works. I work hard, I gym hard, I flaunt my body figure and people thinks I'm a slut and faggot. Someone handsome comes along, work hard and gym hard as well, flaunts his body and everyone thinks he's like a handsome model. I don't fucking understand. Maybe I just don't have the good looks. Because looks bring you anywhere in the world. Fuck everything that people tells you that it's the inside that counts because from what I've known and seen, looks surpasses everything. Personalities can change, but you can't change your looks. Take for an example, I can be a shitty person, but I can turn over a new leaf the next day and still remain handsome as always.

Those that lost their lives and about to lose it to suicide, were good and honest people, who were in deep, deep excruciating pain. Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. Suicide eliminates the probability of it ever getting better. I've stopped explaining to people about the issues I have because they only want to understand it from their perspective. When people asked me how am I, I know they're not caring. They're just merely curious about my life. They have no real intention of helping me and it's so true because some read my blog and never bother to do anything for me. Sometimes, my silence and jokes mean "I'm tired of explaining to people who will never even care to understand."

I don't let people in often and I mean what I say. If I tell you that you're my friend that, that means a lot to me. If I tell you that I love you, know that it is not a phrase or expression, but know that I actually love you in the best and most honest ways I can. My eyes are tired. I think I'll close them for a bit. I hope I'll never have to open them again.