The world is dead

I felt very hurt, like no one would want me in their lives. Because no matter how much good I put in into peoples' lives, I'll never be wanted. If a person wants to be a part of my life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. And I realised how foolish I was, to love everybody that comes along my path, but having no one to even love me at all. I must be too kind at heart. Despite the tremendous rejection by countless people that comes across my path, I'm still that foolish guy to believe that someone will still want me one day.

It's not admirable or even proud to say that I've dated several guys before in the past. But through all these past relationships I had with them, I've learnt through it and tried to be a better person; a better boyfriend. I'm not perfect, no one is. 

But I know I've tried hard, very hard to make my relationships work, and I've fought hard to keep them. But at the end of the day, what matters is that I've put in my best and if my partner still can't see that, then it's their lost. I shouldn't blame myself more for losing them. I'm tired of putting in so much effort when they don't even gave a damn about it. 

There are some people who will never see me as being good enough. That is their shortcoming, not my. I need to learn to be merciful enough to myself to cut them out of my life. I have also learnt that it is not necessary to continue fighting for them when they have never even fought once for me at all. People who will never think about you, never message you until you do so, never ask about your well-being, or they don't even try to make an effort to stay in your life at all. 

I'm done. Done with all these delusional guys, manipulative guys, and compulsive liars who said they love me, but have never tried any effort at all. Because in whatever form of relationship, it takes both parties to make it work. And that's the worst part. Liking someone so much and knowing that they'll never feel the same way about you.

I might be scarred, but when the right person comes along and accepts my imperfections, I will definitely try to put in my all, once again.

But I guess that's a same foolish thought that I'll think it will come to pass. I've already accepted that I'm never going to be anything special for anyone. It's kind of true, you know. Everyone that comes along my path somehow just left. I'm also annoyed at how people that kept saying "Oh Kah Sheng, you know you got to love yourself first before others can love you." I mean what the fuck man, really? Who created this shitty theory? I mean not like you're going to love yourself more when other people love you. What? One fine day you just wake up and you're like "Wow okay, I guess I love myself at 101% today, yep probably other people will love me now!" 

Shit no! That's not how it works. How in the fuck do you know you have love yourself enough or at the maximum level? Do you have a checklist to tick to say, "Yep, pointer no.1 checked!, no.2 checked!" Or do you start feeling airy and you know everything just works well for you!? You fucking feel butterflies in your stomach and the sun's shinning for you, the birds are chirping sweetly for you and you smell the air, and you're like "Wow, what a wonderful morning!" Fuck no, okay! 

Seriously I swear to God, people who mentioned all these shitty theories have never thought about what the person is going through, thinking that just by throwing all these phrases and sentences, you're giving a one time cure it all solution. Because in this sad world that we're living in, we're so quick to give a solution that we think that probably might help others but without first understanding the situation they have gone through. 

It really brings tears to my eyes when I think about how hard I'm trying just to be happy, while others don't even have to try at all. All they have to do is to just exist, and happiness just happens for them. Friends like being with them, they have a great family, they looked handsome and have a wonderful partner. And then these shit holes, who's suns' kinda always shine on their side despite their ups and downs, then start to tell others who have it worse off than them and said, "You know what buddy, life's great! You just got to open your eyes!" God, the amount of stupidity that comes out from their mouth, when they don't understand that not everyone's life greener on the other side. I guess that there are people out there who have a good time in life. I was beginning to realise I wasn't one of them.

I honestly think that the gay community really sucks. I swear to God that I've tried my hardest to make friends with people that I've come across but people are just so god damn shallow and superficial. I don't even know what I've done wrong, because for all that I know of, I put in my 100% effort to actually show that I'm interested in hanging out with that person.

Yet, it's sad to know after that one meetup, they hardly contact me anymore. I've tried again to contact them, and yet they pretended that they had never seen my messages or would mentioned that they are too busy. I'm sick and tired of putting in too much effort hoping I would actually come across a person one day, who would be so willing to actually want to spend time with me. 

You don't know how it feels, to be outside the crowd. You don't know what it's like, to be left out. And you don't know how it feels, to be your own best friend. People might be wondering why do I keep relapsing my sadness. Well, it's like this. Your mind gives you a hundred reasons to be happy. Yet your depression says, wait. Here's a reason to be sad. Every single thing that's wrong, that probably that you've done wrong, in your entire life. All of that memories; and then slowly that voice over rules everything. 

I wonder if people could see me the way I see myself, if they could live in my memories, would anyone love me at all? I scrolled through my contacts, looking for someone, anyone to share my loneliness. Inside my head, I realised how everyone is so busy in their own schedules. And that's when I realised, how alone I really was. 

Nothing hurts more than trying so hard to be good enough, for myself, for people around me as well, for the guys I'm interested in, but only to be replaced by someone better. I am broken in so many ways that I don't feel like I'll ever be repaired. 

And all of a sudden, I felt really tired.
Like the world had drained me for everything that I had.
I'll keep my death in secret tonight,
Because no one needs to know, and besides
I didn't kill myself, 
The world have already killed me from the inside.