Why fight anymore?

I know you don't get it. But I'm just so very tired, of everything right now. As C.S. Lewis once said that "I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence, hurt more." I know I've tried hard, too hard for everything I hoped and to achieve for. Sometimes I feel like I try too hard and then never get anything in return, I feel unloved, and I hate the person I am. I feel like I'm wasting my life and I feel like I shouldn't be on Earth. 

I'm tired of lying when people ask me if I'm okay. I'll tell people that I'm okay because that's what people want to hear. Because I know for sure that they don't really care. They just want to know how or what my life is like. Neither do they want to give any help at all? I'm so tired of going to work and going home from work. Each day, I look in the mirror, I cry. I think I'm ugly and have no one wanting me at all. I want to die, and the worst thing is the next day, it happens all over again, until the day I give up. 

The funny thing is, no one ever tries hard enough to fight for me. Usually, I'm the one doing the fighting. I'm the one putting in the effort and trying to save something might not even be there, to begin with. Countless of times, people just give up halfway. Why? Is it because of me? Was I not good enough? These questions roaming free in the back of my mind. Over and over again, the same routine, the same situation that keeps coming back and resurfacing. Yet even with the number of times it recurs, I still hold no answer. 

The truth is, I stopped talking to people who so easily gave up on me. Every time, it feels like I'm the one doing all the initiative to chat with people who so easily said that they want me, but they just stopped. I stopped, stopped talking to them, not because I don't like them anymore, but because I thought I was annoying them and it hurts to be reminded that I desperately felt like I need someone to tell me like I matter to him.

And I'm just waiting, waiting for someone to say "Hi, I actually do miss you and would like to hang out with you to get to know you more." Because I miss someone that actually wants me, every day, every hour, every minute, every second and it hurts. I'm not a needy person. It's just when days, weeks and months goes by and not one who actually message telling you that they miss you as a friend, I asked myself, "what's wrong with me?"

It's okay for a handsome person to feel depressed because there are friends who care about him. But it's horrible for an ugly person to be depressed because no one wants him to be with. The threshold level of pain varies from person to person, but one who suffered from ugly looks are at a disadvantage. They have more things to worry about, especially when they are reminded of how horrible their looks are when they stare in the mirror. Yes, it's shallow thinking, beauty is subjective. But truth to be told looks matter at the end of the day. 

If you asked me if I'm suicidal? I would actually love to kill myself. I wouldn't say no to a convenient accident. I think it's a torture for that person who is hurting so badly and so much to be asked to continue living and fight off the battles when no one cares about that person's existence. This is what I'm best at. Fucking walking alone. 

I think I'm tired. I'm really tired. I've never felt this tired before. So tired I can't continue. Taking my revenge on the people that have hurt me crossed my mind before. But I knew revenge isn't the solution to the problem. Revenge will only deepen my wound. I've sorted out my thoughts. So I chose to leave this world, without hurting anyone. Like once someone said to me, people want to know me, but they don't want to know me, neither do they want me.