Screw everything

The first question many Christians will ask when they are hit with any kind of a severe storm cloud and trial is why? How can an all-good and an all-loving God allow me or someone else close to me to get hit with such a severe trial or tragedy? How can God allow some of His own, especially the ones who are faithfully serving and following Him, get hit by something that at times will literally come right out of the pit of hell itself?

If God is our true heavenly and loving Father who has nothing but our best interests at heart, then how can He allow some of the following kinds of torpedo shots to come our way?

Few Christians would have never even thought of such scenarios that come to their lives. 

• Your 16 year son has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and has only been given another 6 months to live.

• Your 18 year old daughter has just been raped and murdered.
   
• Your 4 year old son has just been abducted and raped by a local pedophile.
      
• You have just lost three members of your immediate family in a fatal car crash or some kind of natural accident or disaster.
   
• You, yourself have been the victim of some kind of random and senseless crime such as rape, robbery or assault.
   
• You just happened to be born into a broken and poor family, where your parents are trying so hard to earn a living and no one understands you.

And I have got Christians in the youth groups that never even went through such things before, and their only hardship they could ever possibly have is failing their exams and that to me is ridiculous!

So many Christians are claiming God is good because no real tough trials have yet to come to them. Wait till it comes, they will be changing their tunes, and then I will see whether they can still proclaim God is good. It’s true, God is always good when things are shinning on their side. 

I come from a broken family and it just hurts so much to just be me. And all around me the people in Church are all fine you know. Sure they may not speak out their problems, but at least I'm sure I'm worst off than them. I wish I had a mother again, because it hurts so much to know that others at my age have their mothers around while I don’t. I find it so hard to even walk around, there’s so much weight and burden on me that I just feel like breaking down and cry. I’m sorry that I’m too weak. I’m just too broken to continue walking on. My heart can feel the agony from within.

Something inside me turns me off when my friends became so close to God while I don’t. They posted things like “God is my strength when all my weaknesses surrounds me” and when I saw so many likes, I just got jealous and bitter. I don’t know why but something inside me just turns me off. I guess because they have never gone through so much hurts and pains I've gone through, and they are still able to post such things you know, and I mean nothing in their life right now that is painful and struggling enough that can shake their faith to cause them to disbelief.

I’m such a failure you know. I can’t seem to do anything right. Why do I always have to feel this way? Why do I make things complicated? Why do I feel that everyone I know is almost indifferent? Maybe because of my sinful lifestyle, God may have hide his blessings upon me. 

Jealousy is such a scary thing you know, it just consumes you and eats you from the inside out. I want it to stop but I can’t. I’m so tired of living you know, I really am. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. It sucks to know that I’m so alone, even it seems that God’s presence has left me. I just feel so lonely and alone.

It’s so scary you know, where I got no one physically to talk to about all my problems. Every time as I scroll through my phone list, I can’t seem to find anyone that has the time to even sit down and hear my problems. I tried talking to God, I really felt like crap afterwards. I don’t know whether God would still want to hear me. I’m so tired of being so broken every time. I’m tired of trying to survive and live. I have nothing to live for you know. 

Every day as I see my dad, my heart breaks. I don’t know how long he will still live. I’m not cursing him but I’m afraid to lose him. And all I get to see around my friends are having a complete, loving family. You know how much it breaks me from the inside out? It hurts so much like hell and to know how lonely I will get as each day passed.

I'm so freaking sick of girls every single time keep saying "Oh that guy is so cute and so handsome!" What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to reply you? Do you even know how much it hurts me to hear that!?

I hate my life so badly. Every one thinks I’m a wimp, I’m a loser or some sort. They don’t get it. They are not me. Until they have lived out my life, then will they know the pains and hurts I've gone through and just to stay strong.