That's how it feels like

It's hard to tell people how I feel when they don't understand what it's like to lose a mother. I guess emotions are words from within the heart that can't be spoken. I have so many words left unsaid mom, and each day, it's just tearing me from the inside out. I just wish you were in a better place, you know, being taken care of, no fears, no pains, and no hurts for you, because I really love you and want to protect you. But I can't anymore mom, I'm sorry. I know it has been 2 years since you're gone, but it wasn't like yesterday you passed on, to me your absence has become my numbness, and I couldn't feel anything anymore. 

I've heard so many of my friends told me it’s every individual’s choice whether they would want to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour, and I can’t be responsible for the choice they make. But it is another thing if that individual is your own loved ones, especially my mother. Most of these friends of mine who have given me this advice, their parents are Christians. I have heard so many of them told me “At least I’m going to see my mom/dad in heaven one day.” When I heard that, I was happy for them, but not me, I was broken and hurt when they said that. There’s this deep knowing that I couldn't see my mother anymore. But I guess they just don’t care either, as long their parents are in heaven, they can’t sympathise and care about the sorrowful plight I’m in.

It is one thing for Christians to love God without going through real pains and struggles but it is another for Christians to love God with their best after going through so much pains and struggles. Because it is easy to love God without any real pains and hardships. 

For once in my life, I hated people to be happy. I hated people having a better life than me. I hated people who have a complete family. I guess I hated everything that is unfolding in my life, because I've not taken a break from all these yet everything just keeps coming. It's so hard to breathe.

If people could feel the hurts, pains and emotions I've went through, they would be in tears.

My emotions engulfed me in gloominess when I saw my mom on the hospital bed lying there motionless, with tears welling up my eyes.

Speechless and left broken after seeing my mom passed away in front of my eyes, I was choking on my own tears.

Memories and Regrets filled my heart. My mind was in a mess. I don't know what to do, as I sat there at my mother's wake feeling so blue.

Cremation of my mom was the horrendous feeling in my life. It was devastating to watch her coffin being slowly pushed inside the blazing furnace. It was a child's nightmare, and there was nothing I could do to bring her back.

Loneliness came creeping in, and slowly consuming me from within. I have never felt so alone in my life, being alone in the house most of the times, just wishing you were back here once again.

To make things worse, guilt and despair enters in. So many times I just wish this was a nightmare, and to look around me was reality. The agony I had every single moment of every day I had when I feared that my mom didn't accept Christ, and to realise her destiny, while most of my friends I know in Church, their parents got saved, and it just hurts like hell to know mine may not have.

Despite all these stupid dramas and just trying to keep on breathing and surviving. I still had to go to school and church, to put on a mask, to let people know I'm alright, to make them happy, and make everyone's lives better. Because no one really cares whether or not if I'm hurting. It's just hard to walk to school and church alone and sometimes I just wish I could die. 

After trying so hard to make people happy, hoping I could be happy in the process. I've lost myself, I felt I was something to them instead of being someone. It hurts to know when I meant so little to them when I'm willing to do so much more for them. 

After all these 2 years without my mother. So much regrets and reminiscent memories of her just kept coming by. Feeling so lost, messed up from within and I don't really want to try. 

I realised how lost and lonely I am, when people can hear me but can't understand what it's like, to be me, to have a battle inside my mind, and to go through all these every night.