It's kind of hard being alone

Nowadays I felt that my friends are avoiding me. I kind of regretted telling them my problems because they don’t see any value and worth in spending their time on me. In the past, we could hang out almost 3 times a week or so but now it seems like twice a year. Friends always hang out during casual plans and it shouldn't require a save date. 

However, nowadays to even having me to take the initiative to be proactive in salvaging the friendship is just so tiring. I wonder if I ever come across their minds for once, because it’s always so pathetic of me always trying to message them. I wish for once they would be bothered to be proactive to just think of me and message me to meet up. Even to meet up need at least a month notice. Booking a coffee for May 2013 is a sure fire sign that hanging out with me is more of a task on the to-do list than it is a casual and relational activity. I’m sick of advanced planning.  

Sometimes I tried so hard to message others but they are not responding to my texts or private message, that’s fine, perhaps they are just busy. But It hurts to know that they are posting like crazy on Facebook and even uploading photos of them hanging out with other people on all the super fun things they have been doing while ignoring me. Yes, maybe Facebook stalking makes me look desperate and stupid. But, desperate times have its desperate measures. My eyes don’t lie when I saw the things on Facebook. It just hurts to know. 

Sometimes I wonder if any physical friend thought of me today. It kind of feels stupid of me to be so desperate everyday looking for someone to hang out with and talk to. I don’t know why. I don’t even know why Christians can just come to church, worship, listen to so many sermons, pray for others, can agree wholeheartedly on the fact that fellowship and friendship is important but they rarely prove it through their actions. I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m just a people person you know, because I know the things of this world has no value but just investing my time on others, just knowing them, sharing our problems and how we can help each other out as well. 

But I guess people don’t see the way I see it. They just want to spend more time on school, on work, on this and on that. To achieve their dreams and get the best job and in the end, when they are nearing their death beds, all these things doesn't matter anymore except for the memories we had with the people around us that matters more. And that’s why I’m willing to spend my time on people than on work or on school.

Perhaps I could just say that they are sick of hearing my problems, when offering a solution for me is difficult and comforting me has been tiresome. I don’t blame them because I have been me, I know what it’s like, I just wish they wouldn't avoid me. I don’t expect them to offer me one time solution that cures it all you know. I just want to hang out around with them. 

We all have an intense need for personal attention from others. Even Jesus asked His disciples to watch and pray with Him. Although it is not a simple thing to balance life’s demands against the needs of those we love and serve, but I believe failing to do so is emotional betrayal. People kept telling me that they love and care for me but few had time to even message me and sit down and chat with me. Words are easy, but actions are hard. One measure of our love for Christ is our sensitivity to the needs of others. 

I wonder if any Christian friends of mine are still sensitive to hurting people. I wonder if they had lost that you know, since they are always hanging around with happy and joyous people. Nowadays the verse “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” has been taken on a one sided view. They only rejoice with those who rejoice but rarely would I see Christians would be willing to take the extra step to extend their hands to people whom they don’t know or know, to spend some time and help them. Because I guess reaching out takes a lot of extra effort than to rejoice with others. It’s always like this. Christians want the easy way out and I hate it. 

Every time when I see someone hurting secretly with no one to turn to, my heart would break and I would do anything to help them, be it messaging them, meet up with them to hear their problems and see how I can help them. I wonder why is it so frequent to see that nowadays in Church where everyone can be so “fine” you know. Where few would dare to say anything truthful to each other. It has been such a taboo in Church to even say our heartfelt pains and hurts to others. It only happens during altar calls when I see people coming to the altar, crying and people would hug and comfort them. They would then talked for several minutes after that and that’s all. Sure I may not see the back scenes, but I have heard several of my friends in Church also faced that problem where no one would be willing to take up the initiative to have this sensitive heart and bear the burden for the hurting people. They are always just left out. So many times Christians, like me, don't get the love and support I need in times of crisis, because I remember the last time I asked for prayer and people would somehow judged me instead of being loving. So a lot of times I hold things inside out of fear of judgment.

It’s always so amazing where I see so many of the people in church lifting up their hands, worshiping God and the preacher would always talk about how “we need to encourage one another daily that we will not fall away from the living God”, and then the congregation could all go “ Amen!” and after that everyone just lost that moment when they walk out of Church you know. Even to find someone to talk to in Church in order to pour out our hurts and pains requires an appointment and it usually takes about a month later to meet up, and by then, who knows how much things have changed. It’s so disheartening to see all these things happening in Church. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to reach out to those alone and hurting people in Church and outside of Church. My heart just hurts so much when I see so many hurting and broken people around me. I wish I could do so much more for them. 

Do you even know what’s going on in my life and mind before you start labeling me as an 'emo' piece of shit? Life is just freaking unfair. All those Christian peers of mine who have not gone through shitty problems became Christian leaders and all those who have gone through shitty problems are not leaders but rather got "demoted". Seriously? I’m so sick of that. And they go “Oh, my worse problem? My worst problem is when I lost my wallet, when I failed my exams, when this, when that.” Honestly, it’s full of materialistic superficial bullshit. True faithful Christians are those who still love God and believe in God when they have really gone through real painful trials and hurts in life, not some minor superficial level such as failing your exams, never gotten good grades or never got into the course you wanted. These are not real trials that shake our faith. 

I have seen my mother go through immense hurts and pains in life, I’ve watched my mother died, my uncle died when I was in primary 6, I've seen my relatives and my grandmother crying when my mother passed away, my grandmother fell down so many times and was hospitalized. I have seen my aunt in the hospital bed because of blood clot, I’ve seen my dad cried and tried so hard to stay strong and earn money for the both of us, I’ve seen so many pains and hurts around me that it affects me so much. I live around people who suffers greatly in life and it became a part of me, and who I am. Brokenness was my environment and sorrows were what I carried around. I have heard so many of my Christians friends telling me that God answers their prayers, and most of the times it's always "God helped me in my exams, God helped me when I am in doubt, God helped me when I was alone, God helped me when my friends back-stabbed me, God this, God that." To me, it's normal, really. And when I look at the situation I'm in, I wonder if prayer wasn't really meant for me you know, like why God was able to answer theirs but not mine. Instead things just keep getting worse. I’m a needy person as well. I have no siblings and every day I’m just keeping the problems within my heart, and yet I’m trying so hard to love God and I still do. It just that I have fallen here and there most of the times. Now I got so many stupid Christians leaders who have normal fine families, whose parents are alive and working, loving Christian parents, have jobs, got cars, have a nice home,  got almost everything in life, life is so good and God is so fun to serve. It’s so easy to praise God and lift up your hands on Saturdays and Sundays, but when they talk about their worst problems, they go “Oh I failed my exams, and it was tough.” Seriously? It’s full of bullshit. If I share my hurts and pains, they will then start to avoid me because of my melodramatic emotions. Live the life I live first before you start commenting shit on me.

I don't understand how I can post something like "I need someone to talk to" and only 1 Christian pastor would bother to reply, while the whole church just can't be bothered. I guess I wasn't handsome or famous enough. I have seen people in my Church who are famous and handsome, post things somewhat like mine saying "I don't know what to do" and they got like 30 over comments. I just don't get it. I think that the Church is so double-sided. People can easily rejoice with others but are unwilling to help others. People can easily talk to others whom they know better than those who are crying out for help. People who can easily walked past hurting people and keep blessing those who are well blessed. I don't understand why the people in Church are doing this. It's such an eyesore. 

I freaking hate my ugly face. I can't freaking tell you how much it hurts waking up everyday just to look at my face with all the scars on it and it just demoralises me at that moment, how badly I just want to curl myself in bed and just freaking die. I hate people who comments on my face when they don't even have pimples to begin with. It makes me feel like taking a knife and just stab their face and let them know how it feels like. People kept telling me people like me with acne scars are handsome. Are you freaking bullshitting me? 

You think this is freaking handsome!? It's bullshit, people nowadays like guys who are handsome and have flawless face. If not, people wouldn't have like K pop boy bands. I freaking hate my life. I can't empathise enough how much I loathe and hate it. Every moment that I'm breathing its just weighing me down. I feel like ending my life but people keep thinking I'm that emotional shit you know. People just don't take me seriously. I'm thinking of overdosing myself with pills. 

People nowadays in Church are so selective in who they want to help out. I'm just sick and disgusted at that. I'm sorry I wasn't handsome and famous enough for you to help me.  

I don't know how long I can carry on. My thoughts are eating me. I kind of hate people who are having a normal life. I don't know why but it just irks me. I'm sick of people and I'm sick of me. Maybe all these years I felt so separated from the world. I just need a companion.