My negativity and thinking of people is going to hurt me is probably my defense mechanism. There are just so many days, that things just seem to be "wrong". I don't feel hopeful or happy about anything in my life. I'm crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing or something that normally would be insignificant. Even getting up every single day requires so much effort. I'm trapped and slowly dying from the inside out, and carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. I cannot seem to express properly. Whenever I smile, it feels stiff and fake. It's like my smiling muscles are frozen. Somehow it seems like there was a glass wall between me and the rest of the world.
I wonder everyday what it's like to die. In fact I'm always looking towards it, but I'm afraid. I'm not afraid of death but what is to come. I'm unsure of my salvation. I profess myself to be a Christian but my lifestyle doesn't seem to reflect it. I live in sin everyday. I have recurring thoughts of death and have suicidal impulses. Everyday to me is a cloudy day, even on a sunny day.
It feels as though someone was choking me, I'm suffocating so much. I'm always so agitated by people around me, I get hopeless and anxious so many times. People would laugh at me when I told them I'm feeling depressed. They would always tell me to unlock my thinking you know. Stop dwelling in such things and so on. But trust me, my life is as a shit as it can ever gets, They don't live my life. It's always so easy to give comments when they are not the one that live my shitty life.
That's how depression hits me. I wake up every morning, just being afraid that I'm going to live. I'm already scared to tell people how much it hurts, so I keep it all to myself. People told me to stay strong but they don't understand what it feels like to feel so weak. So many times I told God I'm really sorry but I always keep messing things up. I'm such a screw up. I guess I just have to smile all the time so that nobody knows how agonising and lonely I really am. No one gives a crap if I'm happy. No one gives a crap if I'm sad. But everyone cares when I die. I just feel so intensely sad right now.
I don't really want to wake up anymore. I don't want to get out of bed and I don't want to keep trying and I don't want to fail anymore. I just want to give up. I just want to go away or disappear. I've had this deep pain and I am beyond being sad. There's this helpless feeling deep sorrow inside me and I can't get rid of it. It's eating me alive. People ask me if I am okay, when I am obviously not. I am dying inside, but I simply say: "Yeah, I'm fine." That's the lie I have told the most, but I just want them to be happy. I'm trying, I really am. I'm really tired of living and I am scared of dying.
I'm afraid of being happy because every time when I'm happy, something bad always happens. I just feel alone. It feels like I have no one there for me. There are so many shitty days. Things somehow just go wrong, every single day it seems like it's an uphill battle. A battle to get out of bed and to face the world. I get home from work and I'm all alone in the house, the silence is so loud. I lie down on my bed, thinking of the day just how awful it was. Just smiling and pretending to be fine, how some of my friends treated me and I ask myself, "Why am I still here when almost everyone wants me to be gone?" I always imagine myself leaving and I'm curious to know how people would react if they found out I was gone one day. I struggle with even looking at the mirror every morning to see all the scars on my face, my appearance of my body and other battles that teens face every single day, I know I can't stick it out any longer. I can't hold on. Playing the happy card and using my fake smiles will only get me so far. Whether people would know me as the funny kind they know of, I know I just can't hold on any longer. I get out of bed sad, but also very angry. I want to make a point to everyone. I always hope people would read the pains in my story just to feel the sense of agonies I've been feeling. My tears are tearing as I type, and I guess this is reality, this is happening.
I'm wondering when I will pick up the bottle of pills, and without hesitation. A handful of them should do the trick. I guess it's always funny how when I'm dead, people start listening. So many times when I'm just sitting down with my friends, I just know that I'm the least important friend in the group and I felt like it wouldn't make a difference if I was there or not. Even as I write this letter, I know it will never be read. I have nothing to like about myself. Do you know what it's like to hate every inch of yourself? Every night, I play scenes in my head, and hope that when I wake up, I will feel good about how I look but every day I wake up and feel the same. Ugly and never ever good enough. I hate going to work, when I'm on the train, I feel that people are giving me that cold long stares at my face, with all my scars showing. It makes me insecure. I can't lie going on telling me myself, that I look good, I'm wonderfully made and such. No I can't. It's killing me on the inside. I've have already so many wounded scars in my heart and yet comes the physical scars on my face, with the add on of the burden of mental and emotional pains. It's so hard to live when everyday, people are just looking at my face and have so much to comment on. I don't know why everybody hates me so much, or maybe I do, because now I hate me too.
I can't stand the pain and I can't make it go away. Whenever I tell people that I'm upset, people would tell me that there are people worse off in China or in Africa or anything like that but it won't change the fact that I was upset. And even somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact of what I have been through as well. To me depression is not a phase, it's a disease. It's like screaming when nobody can hear. It's to be falling apart. Sometimes I don't get it people think that if I try to die and I fail, then I'm attention-seeking. But if I succeed, then I'm worth it? People would say that I can't last a day in the real world. I would say that you wouldn't survive one night in mine. You know who I hate more than anyone? Myself. I know I mess things up most of the times, but I really try.
I always try my best to be there for people, because I know what it's like to have no one. It's hard when I have no real reason to fight it. Why pretend everything is fine when everything pretty much sucks? I always distance myself when people become close to me. I keep pushing people away when all I want is someone to be there for me. I always feel I'm annoying them but I know in the end, everyone is going to leave. They always do. I'm just too depressed to go outside.
Suicide is always on my mind and nobody knows it. I would rather people think that I'm fine. It's better than knowing how much I hate myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment