Behind my smile, is everything people will never understand. Everyday is really a struggle. I just don't want to be here anymore. People would make jokes about people who are committing suicide. But they don't know how sad and depressed someone has to be to want to end their own lives.
To me, it has come a time where I've fought for so long, there comes a point when I just can't take it anymore. I've been waiting and waiting because people kept telling me "Things will get better." but honestly, everything tends to get worse. I kind of felt like I don't know how to live anymore. It's more of like I don't want to. Everyone says the pain will get less as time passes, but I don't believe them. I think they only say it so I can face getting out of bed every day. I think today might be the day, but it never is. I hate the part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and actually participate in life.
I constantly wonder how my life looks like in other people's eyes. Do they think I have easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Or are they fascinated with who I am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things I've had to overcome. The thing is that people are so quick to judge nowadays. You only see a person from what they want to allow you to see. I always try to put things together because that's just how people would prefer it. I guess that's my way of hiding the truth from people. If only people knew how broken I am and how I am holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. But I guess that's just how life works out, people just don't know, and sometimes that scares me because no one will ever know why I am the way I am.
I think every teenager is a hero. When we are young, we feel so much pain. Going to school is like going to a war, to stay strong and to keep it cool and people will let you down most of the time. Sometimes, it's very, very difficult to stay strong, but you have to. Then there are just these day when I'm in school where I just freaking hate everybody.
Sometimes, I want to die. It wasn't actively, but if something bad were to happen to me, I wouldn't necessarily be upset about it either. I don't think I have to the courage to actually go through with committing suicide, but if I were to be walking across the road and a car was coming straight for me, I'm not sure I would get out of the way.
Every single time when I look in the mirror, I am not able to find one thing I like about myself. I just feel like no one cares. I have "friends" but I feel like none of them really likes me, that they are just with me because of obligation or pity. If I ever push anyone away, I don't really mean to. When I tell you I'm feeling fine or I don't want to talk about it, I do. I am just looking for the right words. When I get really quiet sometimes, it is because I have too much to say. I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment. Not to hurt you but rather so you can finally understand how much it hurts to be me.
I can't look at myself without wishing I looked like someone else. But what's the point of screaming out if no one cares. I'm at the point in my life where things are neither good or bad. They could be better but they could be worse and I can't look at anything with a purely pessimistic or optimistic point of view. It's that point in life where I just have to forge forward and hope for the best. I just pray that in hope someday I will be able to catch that happiness I tried so hard to hold in my grasp. That's the thing about happiness, it is fleeting.
Right now, I really don't see the reason for trying, or for talking, or for breathing. I'm just done. Everything seems so pointless. Sometimes I just sit there and cry wondering why I even bother trying so hard. What makes me depressed? Everything. Nothing seems to bring me joy anymore. I don't really remember what it's like to not feel broken. I guess I'll have to keep it all inside because I would rather have the pain destroy me than everyone else. But I kind of guess people know I'm hurting but they don't care because they don't know what to do or how to help me. But that's all right.
People told me I'm worth it, that I mean something to someone. But right now, I really can't picture anyone would really want me in their lives. I can't picture someone thinking about me at a point in their lives. I can't picture anyone would be happy to meet up with me, I mean why would they even do that. I'm just me, a difficult person. Nothing extraordinary or special. I can't think of any reason to stay on this planet. I know Jesus died for my sins, I'm eternally grateful for that, but right now, I'm as broken as ever. I'm not the same anymore. I'll admit it, a lot of shit got to me.
This is one of the nights where I just break down, realising how lonely I am, and that nobody even cares. Being a teenager and figuring out who you are is hard enough without someone attacking. My dad don't know about any of it. The crying, the confusion, the frustrations, the pains. He thinks I'm the goody son, the fine and alright son. He don't know that this son of his has been gone for years. The sad thing is that everyone thinks I'm happy.
I honestly don't think people know how hard and difficult this is. No matter how much I tell people about my problems they would compare me with others and they will tell me that I don't have the right to be feel like crap and such when so many people have it worse. I guess it's better to keep things to myself because it's better for them anyway. It's far less complicated rather than explaining it to them. I wish I would die. I've thought those words many times, but it's a hard thing to say out loud. It's even scarier to feel I might mean it. But sometimes I took things further and wondered how I would do it. My family and friends would probably have a heart attack if they saw my blog. I really regret telling anyone anything. It hurts to know no one gets what I'm going through. Do you know the feeling, when you can not even explain what is wrong with you? It's ok if you hate me, I understand. I hate me too.
I pretended I was fine. My problems, I didn't tell anyone when I'm outside. I have it all bottled inside of me. Acted like I was the happiest person in the world, had the perfect life. I was 'happy', everyone believe it, even I started to believe it. I was fine, it was all fine. Until I was alone, in my room, at night. That's when the thoughts came flooding back. People think I'm attention seeking, but it's only because they have never experienced it themselves. I blog about it because, blogging is the only place I can be myself. So when you read this, know that I'm not asking for attention. I am filled with such sadness and I am so tired that I could die. Do you know what it is like to walk into school and feel like you are worthless? I want to explain how exhausted I am. Even in my dreams, how I wake up tired. How I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave.
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