Because it takes great courage to die

People say those who committed suicide are weak. I personally think that those who committed suicide are the bravest, because it takes great tenacity of courage and determination to take their own lives. I don't think they are insane, because it takes great steps in planning out everything. They thought of their family, their loved ones and their friends before they take their own lives. They know the risks and they know once they do it, they will never ever come back again. They have the courage to take their own lives, and that to me is great courage and bravery. It takes great amount of strength for broken people to keep on breathing and trying to survive everyday but it takes more determination and power to plan it out to take their own lives.

In this society, it’s kind of sad to know that no matter how much they emphasize that family is of utmost important, they still want you to work and work and work until you die. Even you die, the world goes on with you and without you. They don't really care as long as money is coming in. People just have a way of breaking promises when it comes to me. 

I’m at this point of my life where I am afraid to talk to anyone about my problems. I am eager to tell people about it but most of the times I kind of regret it. I will then push people away after I've told them because I felt stupid, weak and useless. I think it’s because people once say they do care and after that they just disappear and they want to have nothing to do with me. It’s kind of scary to ponder whether if I made the right decision in the past to tell people my problems.

I’m such a professional in faking a smile and telling lies to others. I’m honestly afraid of getting hurt over again and again. I know as a guy I shouldn't feel this way but I can’t. I can’t emphasize how much I hate myself and for being able to feel this way. My life is as broken as it can gets now. I really have no one comfortable in talking to about my problems. Each time whenever I feel like I need to talk to someone, I feel like I’m annoying them. 

I know I need to talk to God, but there’s a barrier between God and me. I really feel desperate and hopeless. If only people knew how despair I am. I hate telling people my problems also because of the fact that whenever I tell someone my problems, they would suddenly mention they have problems too and it makes me feel unworthy to talk about my problems. I guess that’s why it’s better for me to keep quiet and hurt inside rather than having the people around me getting hurt. I think it's better for me to block everyone I know in life.

The rain just pours outside, the weight of darkness looms hanging in the dark skies, slowly engulfing me from the inside. Cold, lonely and hurt, it feels so difficult to just make it right again. I can’t be as optimistic as I can in the past. People would ask me whether if I want to get better but honestly I can’t give you a direct answer yes, because I really don’t know if I can better. But sometimes, I just don’t want to get better. That hope just dies down inside me somehow someday. 

I realized that the more depressed I get, the more intelligent I became. It became so hard for me to break free you know. I need stronger words and power to motivate and convict me for me to break free. Nobody knows who I am, not the real me. It's like nobody cares enough to find out, yet I'm so fickle minded, I tend to shut people out if they try to get too close. I don't really know what I want anymore. Sometimes I wish I had an easy answer for why I'm this way. It's going to be okay? Really? I think that's an insane lie people tell each other to cope or something. For some reason, the more people I saw, the more alone I felt.

Some people become so depressed, they cease to feel anything. In extreme cases, they purposely inflict pain on themselves just to feel anything at all. There's a reason why I hide everything away from people just so that they no need to worry about me. Everything I say comes out all wrong and I'm not trying to sound like this. I just don't know how I'm supposed to communicate and I'm sorry I hate myself and I try to change, I really do. But I just keep messing things up. 

What hurts in life the most is knowing people don't miss me. They don't ever feel the urge to text or call me. It's like they hardly know me anymore. I always have to make the effort if we talk and I hate it. I used to be so comfortable around the people I know, now I'm constantly feeling judged. What about all the memories we had? I am regularly being reminded about my friends and the people I care about wherever I go. Don't they ever think of the memories we had or have they replaced them with new, better memories. I'm sorry I might have changed, I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be and I'm sorry if you don't have time for me anymore. I'm just sorry things turned out this way. The places that I've played, the places I called home, the people I thought I loved, all of them, has been reduced to a memory of another life. 

People can't understand why I'm like that you know. They don't even try to understand the broken environment that I am in, all they could only to do is just judge me in their minds, no messages, no calls. Slowly they are just good at avoiding me. I can't understand why Christians would do this you know. I wasn't looking for money, I wasn't looking for materialistic possession, I wasn't looking for fame, I wasn't looking for attention. I was looking for their understanding and love. 

When I was a happy guy with no trouble in the past, people around me kind of loved me, they wanted my company. But when I started falling down, I didn't do anything wrong, it was just that my life was totally messed up and screwed. Now that I'm always so alone for so many months. When I said to my friends that I'm sad and I can't do this anymore, they freaked out and their only answer was "Stop being so negative! Don't ever talk like this anymore! You need to change your mindset!" Have you had any idea how horrible it feels to look in the mirror every morning and see the person you hate the most staring back at you? 

I guess it's kind of depressing and frustrating to know that it can be very hard for people who have no difficult life issues and worries to wrap their heads around with depression and sadness. I wish I could trust my friends enough to tell them about what I'm going through but I know they don't really want to hear it. Right now, I still maintain the happy facade around them, too scared to let someone else in. Reminder to myself. Fake a smile. Don't let them know that I'm hurting. They don't care anyways, because it takes a lot of effort to help someone, and they don't want to. Saying that I'm okay is so much easier rather than explaining all the reasons why I'm not. 

I hate how people say "I'm here for you." when really they aren't. I hear those words and I just brush it off. If they were there for me, they would have been there most of the times I fell apart. I'm always walking around with these glossy eyes. "I'm just tired," I say. But you know what? It's bullshit. Yes, I am tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. I am tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things I find no enjoyment in doing. I'm tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over me even though my days are packed. I'm tired of the loneliness that presses me down even though I'm surrounded by people everyday. So why can't I just say it? 

Humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say "I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallible." I guess we've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness and coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious. Well, I guess that's how the world runs. People have no time for brokenness, all they care for are results, money, change, instant this, instant that. 

I hate how people don't really notice how I feel. How is it that most Christians who can sit in service to listen hundreds of sermons and praying to be more Christ-like, yet they have no sensitivity for the broken people. I just can't simply understand. Can they not see that I'm hurt. Can they really not feel the pressure? I need them to understand. If they can see everything, then please open their eyes. Because so what if I'm smiling? If they know everything then why can't they see that inside my world is shattering and it hurts? 

I hate when I have to get to that point now where I just want to give up. I don't want to have any feelings or emotions. I don't want to talk to or see anybody. I don't want to go to school or work, I don't want to go out in public. I want to stay in my room by myself. I feel like nobody understands me or what I've been going through. I just feel alone in the world. 

I'm just so afraid that day will come.