Life is hard, painful and difficult.

When my mom died on that day, I grown to be more bitter against the world, alone yet independent. I felt no one could empathised with me in what I was going through. You never had to experience at my age what it's like to see my mother passed away in-front of my sight. It's painful and devastating. I believe that I've grown up more mature than others around my age, I gone through things that few around my age have gone through.

You know what it's like to lose a mother? It felt like a fraction of hell living within me. And to make it worse, in all honesty, I felt that she died as an unbeliever, and it felt like hell. It makes me feel as if I was a guilty murderer who murdered my own mother. It seems hard to even feel better. One day I seem fine. The next day, all I want to do is cry. Sometimes I miss her so much that I can't explain the hurt I feel. It goes so deep, as if it were in my own soul.

Honestly speaking, I don't see no reason why men shouldn't cry, just so they can put a strong front in front of others and to show their manly ego. There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 words. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. 

Does anybody else feel this? I find it very hard to talk to anybody. I find myself hating everybody, especially people who have normal lives. I don't exactly know why, but I think it's because everybody's a hypocrite and nobody gives me a chance, maybe they did, but they never understand me. I hate going out because there's people out there, so I avoid going out.

I feel like they should suffer and feel how I feel just so that maybe they could understand why I am the way I am. It may also be because everybody I've ever gotten close to, has left me, or I left them because they turned into somebody I disliked. Because of this I've started to hate the world and society. I see all these people complaining about things that don't even matter! And I think to myself, “what about me?” Why do they get sympathy? Nobody understands me at all. Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel as though I don’t have any friends close by?

I just realised that people don’t like to associate with other people who are suffering because they have no benefits to other people, and what’s worse is that these people that avoid people who are suffering are sometimes Christians. And strangely, Jesus wants ‘us’ to exemplify our love and extend our arms to reach out to those who are suffering but in this world, Christians would rather tend to hang out with people who are more joyous, happy, and fun people.

It's amazing how empty, alone, scared and confused I feel in trying to live my life without my parents in my later years. Most days, I’m conscious of the loss of my mom already. Then there are days where I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that I don't have my living mother.

I hate it when Christians who never go through shitty problems in life and go about releasing their faith and ‘life-lessons’ on to people whose life are worse off than them. 

People who know me will probably tell me to snap out of it. How? Snap out of what? I don't want to be like this either. You think it's fun? People told me to be grateful for what I have and see how others suffer even worst. But I thought, people told me not to compare myself with others when I told them about my problems when other peoples' lives have it worse than me. So how double faced is it that just because others are less fortunate I can compare with them? I know they are trying to tell me I should count my blessings. I do, trust me I do. But how does this solve the situation that I'm in? Losing my mom, the burden of sharing the gospel to my dad, staying strong for my dad, earn a living to support my dad, staying strong inside, trying not to break down and so on. I still feel that life is not worth living despite being grateful for what I have. I am too tired to carry on and try. 

I'm always just amazed at Christians that don't give a shit about tragic news, all they care for is joyous and happy news. They only care to hear about happy stories of what God is always doing. They shunned away people who are going through tragic times, but always hang around with others who are fun and outgoing. What's wrong here? Do you even know Jesus was given the title known as the "Man of Sorrows" in Isaiah 53:3? Do you think Jesus was happily going around laughing, telling jokes and such? No. All he cared for was reaching out to the people, extending his hands, showing compassion and love to the people around and guiding them back to God. Jesus don't go around hanging with happy people, Jesus hangs around most of his time with the broken, despised, hurting, sorrowful, repentful, and sinful people! But no, I have seen so many people can't give a crap about hurting people. I just don't understand why. Of all their years going to Church and listening to sermons and such, why aren't their hearts sensitive to the broken when they could easily sing worships songs of wanting to be broken, hearing sermons of being there for someone and so on. It's so frustrating! 

There's 2 types of Christians here. Christians like me who go through shit in life but still trying my best to love God, and Christians who don't go through real shit in life and love God. That's the real difference. Anyone can say God is good when life seems normal and fine. Trust me, I have been there and done that before. When shit happened to me, I struggled every single moment to just coming back to God. It's really really tough. But anyway, it all boils down to my fault. I'm always the only that's causing disunity among people and making people irritated.