I'm sick of everything

It hurts to know  where I'm a nobody, I don't matter much to anyone. No one respect my work and hardly anyone appreciates what I'm doing, it’s like I'm cancer in this society. They just want me off from their life. The people around me I know at least holds a title, a status in life. 

I hate it when Christians keep blessing those who have already been so blessed but just can't be bothered to bless those who are hardly been blessed. Double standard Christians.

The reason why I don't share much about me because in this world time is money. Everyone has their own problems, I mean why must they spend their time on me? People aren't really interested in the shit I'm going through. When I shared my hurts and weaknesses, people just knew I can't handle things well in life and slowly, they don't want to have anything to do with me. 

I don't really want to let anybody know that I'm "sinking". But yet a part of me inside just want to let people, anyone mature enough to know what I'm going through, just anyone to talk to. Sometimes, I don't even know whether I'm doing selective hearing on what advice to choose from the people that gave to me. They don't go through the hurts I'm going through and it's so easy for them to say whatever they want to say. The thing is, they just don't know my intelligence level, they said things I've thought through before, and they think that I need to unlock my thinking to a whole new perspective, to let go, just be free and happy in life. People gave me hundred of advices, but then they are rarely there for me. I thanked their kind intentions but it's like they have done me a favor by keeping me alive, and to them, that's their job. Keeping me alive instead of killing myself, but wouldn't want to meet up with me.

Yet I guess the sad truth is that nobody likes a guy who is melancholic. It's like a wimp to others. To them it just shows that I am weak. What choice do I have but to tell them that I'm doing well. 

It's very easy for normal people to say that teenagers, like me don't appreciate our lives and we need to toughen up. Let's face it, there's a lot of stigma, especially in a society like ours, attached to suicide. Are we weaklings? Are we pathetic? No. You have to be there to actually understand what they face; what I faced. Yet, one of the reasons why I never told anyone that I was depressed or suicidal was because in a conservative country like Singapore, telling people you are suicidal is a laughing matter, and I knew I'd be judged, or simply be told to "get over it". 

I'm actually undecided about living or dying. I don't want to die but I also do not want to live the life I have.

It’s so painful to see my dad cry, to miss my mother the day when she passed away. It breaks my heart to see my mom dying and my dad crying. I was broken from the inside out. I don’t know what to do. All I hope for in life died inside me at that moment. All I ever cared for at that point of time was to have my mom to be back alive again, even till now. I just wish that she was in a better place called heaven. I don’t want her to suffer any longer. She suffered long enough on earth. She done so much for me and yet I didn't do anything for her. I’m the one that is supposed to go to hell, not her. I love you mom so much. I miss you so dearly. You may not mean anything to anyone when you passed away, but you meant the whole world to me. It breaks my heart to know my only mom that has a body I knew was being reduced into nothing else but bones and ashes. It breaks my heart so freaking bad, even till now. It felt like someone ripped apart my heart and no matter how many times I try to fix it back, there’s still a missing piece. I don’t know if I’m doing better or not. Some days it just hurts like hell. I think what drifts me further from God is the hidden pains I see around me every day, apart from sin.

I forgot what it’s like to have a mother. I never thought I would lose her. I mean which son would think of losing his mom every day. I always thought I could keep her by my side all the time and able to protect her, love her and take care of her. But no, God decided one day to take her away. I don’t know what to think of God anymore. I can’t see Him as a God of love towards my family. To others, the God they have in their mind is constantly perpetually smiling on them all day long.

I’m sick of other Christians who don’t seem to have huge mid life crisis problems in their life and all their problems are so minor and they go around releasing their faith and advice to others based on their past experience on what God has done in their lives, such as helping them in exams, friendship problems and such. I mean seriously? Like their parents don’t die, their parents have jobs, their parents are Christians, and they are just fine. I mean what could be worse, their grades? I’m sick of them complaining about life when others just have it worst. I’m sick of their theology of everyone is going to heaven when they die, when the scriptures clearly stated that only those who have Christ in their hearts would go to heaven. The only problems they have is when they go crying to God when their grades are low and bring out all the scriptural verses like Jeremiah 3:33 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.” They used that verse in the wrong context. Then they would cry out to God, “God, didn't you said you have plans for me, then please help me get good grades and then get into a good school and etc.” I’m sick of that.

I’m sick of other Christians having it better than me. Could it be Jealousy? Maybe, but try living in my shoes for just a moment and know what it means to be me. I’m sick of people who just heard of my name and have this impression of me being melancholic all the time, when they don’t even have time to listen what I’m going through or know what I've been through. I’m sick of Christians.

Each time I struggled to come to God, partly because of my sinful lifestyle, but also because the recollection of thoughts and memories that kept recurring in my mind. The vengeful voice within me says “Why worship God when He can’t help your mom. God knows what it’s like for my family if He took her away, but He allowed it to happen, while others who have cancers, terminal illnesses and such got recovered. What do you do with that?”

Another part of me reason, “God is God no matter what happens. Even Jesus said that whoever loves his parents more than Him, is not worthy to be Jesus’ disciple.” I struggled every single moment, day and night, to keep coming back to God. Some days it gets better, but most of the other days, were just defeats and dejected faith. I’m tired of coming to church to look at people, to be reminded of their normal fine lives and my isn't at all, and they don’t have this notion of idea of what it’s like to lose a mother. It’s not losing your special toy or whatsoever, this is one pain that hurts more than anything in this world I could possibly think of right now. I just can’t connect to anyone in church because none of them lose their parents; it’s like a barrier between the church and me. It just adds salt to my wound. They don’t see the way I see things. They just don’t get the way why I’m behaving like that. I’m just sick of being me all the time, having to deal with so much bull crap every day.

I think one of the huge reasons which really turn me off from God is Christians.
Christians who can’t sympathize with me because they have never gone through such pains in life.
Christians who don’t have mid life crisis issues such as losing their mothers.
Christians whose life are just fine but requesting a better life ahead with good grades and career.
Christians whose faith are just so shallow and don’t even care about the life of others when they say they do.
Christians who can just sit on the couch and watch television while the rest of the world is just going to hell.
Christians who kept posting politics stuff on Facebook and discuss with other people how the world should be run as a better place when Jesus tells us not to be so concerned of this world when they could be jolly well think of how they can reach out to others more.

And then these "Christians" tell me to put my faith in God when their lives are almost seemingly pathetically minor problems. I’m not perfect either; I've done these things before, in fact, am still doing it. But I’m just so frustrated at normal fine Christians whose life almost had it all, and are just so comfortable in where they are, almost refusing to help out when in Church they are like “Oh God, change me to be a better person” with tears welling up in their eyes and mucus hanging loose on their nostrils. I'm sick of Christians rejoicing with others when they hear good news but once there is terrible news, they just disappear and remain silent, no comments and no words. I hate it when Christians only know how to celebrate success and joy with others, but rarely would extend their arms to help out to those who are hurting out loud.

I hate it when Christians can just sit down and can't be bothered by other Christians who are falling away. They know them but they don’t bother. They rather push their "convictions" and "responsibilities" to other Christians, thinking that other Christians will help the backsliders. Christians would see status updates of other Christians falling away but they can't be bothered to even show any concern, no comment, private message, call or even an SMS. But it’s always interesting to see them showing concern to other Christians they know better. Its funny how Jesus talks about every member of the body is important and that when one is sick, all the body members also suffer too, and yet these Christians can just sit down there, minding their own business, like as if the fallen brothers and sisters were never part of the family in church.

Another reason why I can’t seem to be in peace with God is because I wasn't running away from God during the time when my mom was still alive. I sought after Him almost every day and prayed and tried to do all the Christian things. When my mom passed away, I thought, it must be either my sin that caused my mom’s death because in the old testaments, numerous counts of death happened because of their own sins or someone’s sin. Or, it was God’s initial plan to take away my mother. I find it so difficult to come back to God after that. I had so many questions to ask and so many issues unresolved. 

Breathing has been so much difficult than it used to. I hardly survive the day every day, with no aims and goals. I just want to curl up in bed and just sleep till the end of time. In fact, I think I enjoyed this melancholic lifestyle of mine, it has happened 2 years ever since after my mom passed away, and I think it has become a part of me. It’s kind of depressing to know that each time I would come to God with a heart of disbelief. It makes me wonder if God does hear my prayers because in the Old Testament, where people kept on sinning and such, God wouldn't hear their prayers. I then thought, what makes me so different from these people, just because Jesus is the new covenant?

I had to come to God under obligation because I don’t want to go to hell. It wasn't so much out of love that I come towards Him. I’m so lost right now that it is out of fear that I am coming towards Him. The thing is I’m expected to love God and worship Him and so on and forth after my mom was gone when I prayed and cried so hard to God at that point of time. It’s like someone took away my mom and I’m expected to love Him, give thanks to Him and worship Him and such. There’s so much hesitation, hatred and confusion, but no one gets it. Most Christians don’t get why I can’t worship God so easily and how I can't let go of how God is not so loving and such. They just don’t. I struggled so hard to just even sing those worship lyrics to God and even sit still in sermon. There's so much inner struggles and pains within me that I just can’t seem to “feel” better...I can't continue anymore. I'm tired. I'm just so sick and disgusted at myself. All I could ever think of right now is wanting to die.