People don’t have their parents dying to
know the pain. The pain doesn't last temporarily, it last a whole life long of
guilt. I've seen some of my friends whose parents had passed away, but mostly I
know, their parents are Christians and I can’t find anyone I can relate to and
find comfort in my situation.
People around me have told me that they
prayed for their parents to be saved and they did before they passed on. But I've prayed for 2 or 3 years but then my mother didn't even believed when she
passed away. The thing is, I can pray all I want, but if it doesn't happens, it’s
devastating. Praying for a person’s salvation and that person got saved is one
thing. Praying for a person’s salvation and that person didn't get saved is
another thing.
A Christian need not have to struggle with
despair when death strikes one of his/her loved ones who believe in Christ
personally. When the Christian dies, his/her soul is safe in Jesus’ care.
He/she enters heaven to be with the Lord Jesus Christ forever.
But Christians, like me do struggle with
the death of an unbelieving loved ones. The main reason for the struggle is
that our loved ones died without eternal life. In many cases, guilt enters in.
I grieve with guilt because I blame myself for not being earnest enough to lead
my mother and also my father to know Jesus Christ. Coping with grief and loss
of my mother itself is tiring and distressing.
The death of my mother in my home is
hurting me a lot more than the rest of my other family members. This is because
I view the whole matter in a “Heaven and Hell” perspective. You and I know that
when a person dies in his/her sins without God, is barred from entering into
heaven. In fact, he/she joins with the rest of the lost mankind in the abyss of
hell. Imagine my own mother being in there. You know how devastating and
painful it is to me?
Sure enough, all of us have our own
problems, but some of us just have it worse off than others. I know I’m 20
years old but deep within me, I feel so alone and the lack of understanding and
of physical love. That feeling has been there for such a long time that it
becomes a part of me and who I am.
People have told me my mother could have
been saved during her last day on Earth. In fact, the Bible does not give
encouragement or comfort about such thinking, that they might have made some
secret repentance because the Bible makes salvation contingent upon a
confession. (Romans 10:9-10)
I don’t really know what I want. I’m not
looking for advice because I know it’s hard for people to find the right words
to comfort me. I don’t blame them because they have never gone through the
pains that I've went through. But I just wish they knew how much it hurts to be
me, to be in such a torn and sorrowful situation, then they might then know how
much strength it takes to live on every day, trying to stay strong and positive
and not break down throughout the day.
I wish I could see my mother again. 2 years
had passed by and I’m already missing my mother so badly. I wonder how I can
get through the days and decades of years ahead of me. I’m afraid of losing my
father. After my mother had passed away, reality hit me so hard, reminded me I could
lose my Dad anytime. I’m afraid, I’m scared. I don’t want to be all alone in
this house. Life is so unfair and painful. No one has to go through the shit
and pains I have to be in.
I really wish I could run away, from all
these pains. I’m sorry God, I’m sorry to you all if I had let you all down. I
wish I was better. I've done so many wicked things before God and men after my
mom’s death. I wish I could love myself a little bit better.
I wish I had more faith when I pray, each
time as I pray, I wonder if God could hear a worthless sinner's prayer like mine. I'm tired of being in the same situation every time I'm tired of sinning. I'm tiring of barely surviving through the day. I'm tired of people around me staying strong and I'm not. I'm tired.
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