When other people got healed and things like that, it makes me wonder if my prayers weren't strong enough. Perhaps some part of me wasn't pleasing to God and He doesn't want to answer that prayer. That's why after my mom passed away, I find it extremely difficult to trust in God, or worse, I may have already lost that trust. I can pray all I want, but after all that praying, the trust isn't there. I don't know how to make that trust to be ignited again. I believe in God when I pray. I tell Him about my struggles and my honesty, but I just can't find that moment of trust and peace at that point of time.
Sometimes I just want to run as far as away as possible, because it's just so tiring to be stuck in the mess that I am in. It's tiring to come back to God after I have sinned, a repetitive process again and again with no sign of godly sorrow that leads to repentance.
I just felt that I am out of touch and out of hope. No matter how many times I tried telling God how sorry I am and how much I want to be changed, something inside of me says "God knows you are going to screw up and break that promise again. Don't even bother to try and ask for forgiveness because that's like working for your salvation."
I know I can't based on feelings on how I feel about God's love, but I can't just help thinking every time God is disgusted at my sins, and I just can't make it right before him by coming to him before I am tempted.
I doubt myself, I doubt my prayers being effective because I've prayed once and it didn't worked, and it affected my faith in prayers all the time, thinking that my prayers aren't effective at all. Maybe Christianity was meant for others, but I guess it doesn't really work out for me.
I have actually pushed the very one I love, my own mother into hell. It's something no one can comprehend the pain and hurt that sets eternally within the heart of mine. It's so difficult to sense God's love
And to those who said the reason why God takes away things, is to give us a better one, to me, it's totally incomprehensible.
God...If You can hear me again...I don't know. It's like I am trying to deter people away from you. I thought, how can You be good to me? If there is one anything right now I ask for, is conviction of my heart to start believing in you totally again God. Realign everything I once used to love, have and want about you. I am so scared I will just keep running away from you God. I am so scared that I will continue so much of my sins that I will come to a point of no return. I fear that your presense will depart from me without me knowing it! Sure You had said in Your word that Your presense will be with us forever but then, what if I sin so much that You are so greviously hurt that You don't want me anymore?
Christianity seems to have so much things to do. I hear so many preachers talk about what to do, how to do this and that, how to lead a holy life and so much more, I just don't know where to start.
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