I don't know how long I can continue on.

I am so tired. I don't know if anyone out there can hear me or even know what I've been and am going through. It seems like I am the lone survivor in this world, where the society that I'm in, seems so loud, it's like I am screaming and no one can hear me. 

I don't know how long I can continue on, pretending that I am fine when I am not. It’s amazing how when you are falling away and no one really knows, and you can act like you are all okay in front of everybody like it doesn't matter at all.

I hate it when I am trying so hard to do so well in church, integrate with people around me and making them feel like they are appreciated. But when it comes to my turn, I seem to be forgotten by others, the feeling of being inexistent to others seems, hurtful. I never seem to be appreciated there; even a small encouragement means a lot to me. Whenever I shared this to others, people always tell me look for appreciation from God, not men. But are church people that insensitive to be thankful and encouraging towards others? I haven’t been back to my own church for 2 months, yet rarely people would bother to know what’s happening in my life. 

I wish people would care more for me, for I once cared too much, and hope people would do the same thing for me, because I’m willing to do much more for them. No one notices what you are good at until you stop doing. I guess this is true in real life, even in church. I guess it’s a sad sight to know that both the church and the world seems so alike in their actions sometimes. 

I then reached a point in my life when I realised that there wasn't anything in my life that made me happy. I had good friends, a loving father, I was studying something I really enjoyed, but I was always unhappy. I was sometimes suicidal, but I feared that if I died I would wake up in hell for turning away from God, and I never dared to kill myself for that reason.

I think this time it has gotten too far. I don’t know when was the last time that I really spend time with God, praying, reading the bible and doing devotion. I have gotten into a state where I just couldn’t be bothered about anything more, but how I wish just to end it all.

I couldn’t be bothered to pray, read the bible, or even care more about my spiritual life. I know I had to do something about it, but I just lost that passion for to pursue holiness. I think Christianity wasn’t meant for me. I don’t know. It’s like I get to see other peoples’ prayers get answered while mine, I don’t know, sometimes I would like to think they are just coincidence. 

Sometimes, I just wish what I believe, wasn't real. I would just like to wish there's no heaven or hell, or if I dare say, God. When you know your loved ones who died in front of your eyes, knowing they are in such horrible pain on Earth and have never accepted Christ in their life; as a believer, you know that they are eternally condemned in the lake of fire, which to me, is heart-wrenching. As much as I would die to do anything to save my mom, there's nothing I can do. Sometimes, or rather most of the times, I just wish all these spiritual stuffs in this world doesn't exists at all. I don't have to worry my mom being eternally condemned and even such.

I guess I can't really let go of the past. I can't forgive myself for letting my mom die. It seems like I've killed her. All these years, I have been self-destructing, with the guilt that is harboring within my heart, blaming myself for all the things that happened to her. I couldn't forgive myself even if I would want to...Mom, I'm sorry. I wish I could still keep you here with me. This house that you used to live in, is all quiet with me being alone at home. The silence looms hanging in the air, and imagining the thoughts of other peers of mine, enjoying the company of their parents and siblings around. Oh, the jealousy that consumes me. I wish I could end it all.