Spiritually, I feel dead. I believe in God, but I don’t know how to trust in His power. Physically, I feel drained - depleted of all energy, and other days, I can go on for a long time, taking all my frustrations out on whatever fuel I have left to work on. I've been hypocritical, judgmental and in a state of rage. It’s the person I never wanted to become. Here he is: Cynical and Skeptical Pessimistic, Depressed and Numb. I really wish I wasn't in this state. It’s torturing my mind every day, with all the battles that are going on inside my head.
The black cloud that’s been following me hasn't quite dissipated yet, or as fast as I would like it to. I expect too much, and often get disappointed with people or situations. I really don’t know how to describe what I am going through. It almost seems like no words could describe the craziness I am in. It feels like I have screwed up my Christian walk, my life, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. In other words, I’m in a mess. I really want to be like those other Christian friends of my, joyful, praising the Lord always, lifting hands during worship, clapping their hands as loud as possible, always ready to share about the good things the Lord has done.
But when it comes to my turn, I don’t clap my hands as loud or lift my hands as high as others during worship. I really have nothing to share; I have no outstanding testimony like what the rest shares. It almost seems to me like my whole Christian walk is a fake. I am not saying God or Christianity is fake, I am just saying that it seems like I am a fake. A fake ‘christian’ trying so hard to prove that God exists in my life and doing a work within me but yet always sinking deeper into hopelessness and desperate in trying to survive spiritually.
People think that I am doing fine, and said that my faith is strong and things like that. But I beg to differ, because if it’s strong, I know how to trust in the Lord and able to be thankful in every circumstances. But I am always this person just not sure whether my trust is in the Lord, like how do I know I have get through the day without using my own strength but the Lord’s strength? I always seem to be this pessimistic person that everyone is trying to avoid. I guess it’s true; no one wants to hang out with a sad person.
Faith hasn’t been lost though. I pray and read the bible but I don’t know whether God still wants to use me after so much things that I had done and gone through, but deep within, I needed more of Him, more of his filling. In a fit of despair, while praying and praying and not hearing God’s voice - I just gave up praying earnestly, it’s tiring, I don’t know what works for me anymore.
I am afraid I’m in a delusion thinking that God still wants to use me but in fact He doesn't really want anymore because there’s like 7 billion people in the world that can do the things that I can do? I mean what makes me stand out from the large crowd? After my mom’s death, I got so angry, so depressed, skeptical, and sarcastic, filled with hatred to the point that I want to kill my Christian friends, and just want to die so badly. I have seen so many of my Christian friends all telling me how great God is when I looked at their life, almost free of immense problems. No matter how much I share to people about other people free of problems, they would always tell me, their problems may not show that obvious, but I told myself, “Yeah, at least their parents don’t die and things like that.” I mean come on, obviously God is good when you got the new iPad, got good results, I mean who wouldn't say God is good?
People told me God forgave me. I’m not sure if I've forgiven myself though. I seen through the scriptures of the bible where God was portrayed fierce and angry, many lives were lost and killed because of their sins and yet I am told God love me? How sure can it be? I know Jesus died for me but what makes it so sure that just because Jesus came, I will be forgiven again and again and again? I have seen scriptures said that “Not those who call me Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only those who do the will of the father.” How sure can I be that I have done the Father’s will? I want to die so badly just so I can be with Jesus, but yet if I die and go to hell, it will be for eternity. Can you imagine the pain it is, trying to get through the day on earth, and if I die, and end up in hell. It’s just pure sorrow.
The horrors of hell being described in the bible are painful. People think that after my mom’s funeral, that’s the end, but no. There’s always an annual visit to the columbarium where my dad would burn offerings to my mom. So many times, I just don’t know how to break the news to him. Several times, he would share how he wishes to see my mom one day again.
Sometimes when I closed my eyes, I see a black shadow of my mother, being burned in the lake of fire, and all I heard was screams, the agonies. No one really know what it means to lose a mother, sometimes I really wish I could kill all my Christian friends’ parents just to let them know what I am going through, every second just trying to stay strong. I really wish I was strong enough to just tell my dad how much I love him. He always tells me about him dreaming about my mother and was with her, and when he woke up, he cried. I just don’t know what to do.
Sometimes, I just want to run far, far away, just to escape from all the situations I am in. It’s just so painful, as a son to watch these kinds of things happening at home, but my Church friends doesn't know, assuming all my Christian friends happily enjoying shopping and playing DOTA out there. But its funny how I always come to church trying to entertain people around me, constantly joking around with them just to make them happier, asking them about their spiritual life, but it’s always this wish within me, that someone would see through my laughs and just comfort me of what I am going through. Church to me is no longer home. I find it so difficult to share my hurts to the people around me. People just don’t know where I am coming from. Why I am behaving this way, they only know my existence when I am in church, but other than that, I don’t seem to exist in their lives.
Didn't Jesus say that the world would know His disciples by their love for one another? Lots of people in this world are searching for God's love and sometimes we just ignore them because of their sins, unpopularity, ugliness, dumb, quiet, and so on. If we dismissed the thought of helping others when we know they are broken, hurt, in pain, sorrows, depressed, under pressure, alone, and etc, is that called love? Love without action is dead.
I want to cry every time I hear songs that relate to me because I've realised that there are so many people out there who needs help and the church is just sitting there acting all holy and stuff, not really going to the extent of caring for their own brothers and sisters in Church, or they are just choosing who to help in church. I'm not trying to judge but maybe if Christians would be more pro-active in involving in peoples’ lives, walking in their shoes, be empathetic and sympathise with them in what they are going through. After all, that is the example Jesus showed us to take the time to hear other peoples' cry, showing compassion and reaching out and touching them.
People just don’t know what I am doing behind the scenes; they always think I am always in a self-pity state, not wanting to do anything. But the thing is I am always trying to look out for the lonely people in church, making them feel accepted; trying to get in touch with the people who have backslidden, trying to make people feel welcome in church as possible. And always I hear peers of my age getting the applause of being talented, helpful and things like that. Many times, I tell God, I felt so under appreciated, it hurts so much, so much that I want to die.
My writing has suffered greatly because there is too much static - too much noise to filter out. It seems like I am almost losing my mind. I hate myself so much, of all the emotions that I am going through and also because of my appearances. I am short, ugly, and have bad skin. Every day I look in the mirror with disappointment. There's not one day that I don't stare in a mirror and want to just hide in my room and never be seen. My insecurities have held me back from so much in life that I am always ashamed of how I look. I hate it when people start focusing on my imperfections because I get that enough in my everyday life. I have spent so much money on products for my face, visited multiple dermatologists and have done almost anything I can do because having clear skin was something I desired more than anything. I was and still am so sick of going out in public and having people stare at my skin, instead of my eyes, when talking to them. I know people are going to tell me that I shouldn't let my acne/pimples bother me, but it's hard in a world where people point out every single flaw of yours. The only thing I can really do is eat better, cleanse daily and hope for the best.
The thing is people always think I am vain, but I am always this person trying to keep long hair to hide my pimples and scars on my face. I have nothing to be proud of in my life and I never will. I want to just die, it would be preferable to live my whole life hating myself and wishing for death and pretending to be optimistic to get by. I am overwhelmed with rage and grief whenever I see my reflection because I can't stand who I am. I cannot emphasize enough how much I hate myself.
In fact, no one really believes me when I tell that I want to die. One of the reasons why I never told anyone that I was depressed or suicidal was because I knew I'd be judged, or simply be told to "get over it". I am still trying, trying so hard. I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it seems the only way to survive in this world. Yet trying to be strong is so difficult. A phrase that’s easy to say but a hard thing to do when you’re broken. And I guess it’s always true that it sucks when I have to pretend that I am okay just because I know no one will truly understand my pain.
I tried to restrain myself from telling people my problems as much as I could, but no matter how much I tried, there’s always this part of me that just wants to let the whole world knows what I am going through. But yet I’ve seen everyone going somewhere, everyone is so busy, people have dreams to achieve and who really have the time to hear what I have to say in this world that tells people time is money?
I can't communicate with other people because I don't understand what they want and they don't understand what I want. I just know that I'm weird and am absolutely pathetic. Being unable to function as a normal person isn't acceptable to me.
I am trying so hard, but no one knows. No matter how much I tried to be with people, hanging out and just making them laugh, no one knows what I am going through. And the worse thing is when they never really consider you when they are making plans among themselves and it just hurts to the point that you just wish you could disappear forever.
It’s painful to see how Christian friends of my age able to share miracles and testimonies, but somehow their miracles are like their grades are good, the bus comes on time and things like that which to me, makes it so materialistic and superficial. But nonetheless, I concluded that a “Strong Christians can stumble your faith in Christ.” The reason why I said this is because the more you hear about what God is doing in other peoples’ lives, and you look at your spiritual state and life, and somehow God doesn't seem so evidently working within you, you tend to ask yourself, “Is there something wrong with me? Why is it that God seem to use other people but not me?”
I know I have put several people in certain awkward situations where they don’t know how to respond about all my questions and hurts, but it’s okay. I don’t expect an answer that solves it all. Life is so hard and difficult. At my age right now, I wish I could be like other youths, enjoying the company of their friends, have fun and things like that but no, all I see ahead of me is a long term of trying to stay strong and alive. I love the Lord, I really do, but I always have this image of God ready to reprimand me each time I do something wrong or just can’t make it up to His expectations. I am always caught up in so much of my habitual sins that I don’t know whether the Lord still wants me and use me for His glory. Sometimes I really wish I have a gun in my hand and just shoot myself in the head. I know I am this kind of christian that seem weak and powerless, not able to do anything. I know I screwed up so many times and I really want to be better. I guess maybe, I'm not a true christian after all. I still love God but I can't feel him through all my pain and sorrow. I keep trying to reach out to Him but I still feel so alone...
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