Every day, I am bombarded with so much thoughts that I just can't handle. Thoughts like why this happened and why that happened, and if I can't find an answer to it, I just say "God has His own mysterious ways." I am wrestling with feelings of, "How could God leave people in agony begging day after day, month after month, year after year for Him to honour His own word"
I know its human nature to feel bitter in the midst of prolonged suffering and I realised the human-ness at wanting God to honour His word and then feeling angry that He doesn't. If He torments us, it's His right? If He kills us for His good pleasure, He is not evil but good? And how is that different from a murderer? God says "Do not Murder." Even with the intention of killing someone in your mind is already considered murdering. Then if God has the intent to take away someone's lives such as using tsunami, or whatsoever, then isn't it considered murdering?
How can God really have our higher good in mind if He is leaving us in agony and killing us off in the end, I really don't understand that? If He is love, why would He give us such bitterness and strife when He could fix it all if he wanted? Sure, Christians may say God use trials to test us and mould us into a better person, or like "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
But how can it be in all situations? I mean if you get rape, you telling me God used that person to rape you and mould you into a better person? It doesn't really make sense to me?
I don't know about whether you have read the news about a 10 year old girl gets eaten by a crocodile. Her life ends there! I mean if she was born to be eaten by a crocodile, what the heck man? Where God’s blessings were where Christians talked about How God wants to bless each and every one of us. I also thought, Crocodiles don’t even sin right? So it was planned by God right? And if everything in this world is planned by God, then accidents wouldn't be accidents at all because everything is planned by God? So if I get murdered, it's according to God's plan?
I just find it so hard to accept the fact that God is a God of love; sure He loves me and died for me, and has a plan for me in my life, but what about others, like the 10 year old girl? She planned to exist so that she can be eaten by a crocodile? Some say it’s a misfortune? But how can it be if everything is planned by God? God could have clearly have prevented it. I don’t think its misfortune, God seen it and could have help her. If God plans how the girl is going to die, then it isn't a case of misfortune right? Because it goes according to the way how God wants her to die?
Just as it is written: “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.”
What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses,
“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”
It does not, therefore, depend on man’s desire or effort, but on God’s mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. (Romans 9:13-18)
I thought God don’t hate anyone, but why favouritism was involved? Jacob I love but Esau I hated? How do you feel when you are Esau?
And if God has chosen whom He wants to have mercy on, then how do I know God already has mercy on me?
I don't hate God, I still believe He exists, I thank Him for Jesus who bore my sins and died on the cross for me, I still worship Him, I still love Him, my heart still longs after Him, but I just can't peacefully reconcile with both the fact "Sufferings in World VS God is Love" together.
I know I have 'No where else to go' so I sense I had better reconcile with God lest He throws me into hell eternally but, it's a lot of suffering and questions right now within me and I don't know how to deal with it? I thought He was our good Father, and that the bible said He is our present help and deliverer and that He loves us and etc? How can it be love to leave us in agony hoping and searching for Him desperately unable to function, seeking for answers and suicidal from the suffering and yet He wants us to trust Him?
I have seen so many Christians proclaiming God is good when I see their lifestyle is what they are being provided in life. Sometimes I felt that several Christians are acting like "Barbarella" from the 'Noose'. Why? It's because their gratefulness for God comes from what they have in life!
Their thanksgiving sounds like "Dear God, I just want to thank you for all the things you provided in life, I thank you for the nice flat I live in, my parents got stable jobs and have good income, good grades you have given me, I entered into a nice decent university that I requested to You, I got a lovely hand phone cover that I got it at a 20% bargain offer, I have sweet friends I can hang out and take pictures with, Oh and God I just want to thank you for the last piece of clothes I am able to buy and able to find an empty seat in the crowded bus, in Jesus' name, Amen!" =)
They somehow expect that life revolves what God can give them! I can also be happy if you give me all these things and praise God the same way they do.
Sure I may sound hypocritical and jealous, but you need to understand that Christianity is not about what God can offer you, it’s about what you can offer to God! People told me that I need to be honest with God, but each time when I come to Him in honesty, it's feels like I am complaining and I am reminded of how the Israelites complained to God and God wasn't happy. And then I just felt so demoralised that I don't feel like praying.
Sometimes people just don't get the pain that I feel. Every one has pain, what makes me so special just to share to others. I guess its better to hide it. When my mom died, I felt like a part of me died too. In all honesty, I think a part did. I miss my mom terribly and it's nearly 2 years but the pain I felt in the first year is indescrible and people didn't get it. They didn't get that I didn't feel like celebrating sometimes. They didn't get that I didn't call so much and they certainly didn't get the pain and tears I cried for so long. They thought you will get over it in a few months but that is not so. I still have some rough days, where I just miss my mom so much and nothing can change the feeling of just missing her and knowing she's not here with me anymore.
One of the most difficult issues that I struggled and still struggling being a 1st generation Christian is that, "Believing God is all good, praise-worthy, trustworthy despite knowing where my mother is heading when she died without Christ."
This is something profound that many will not go through it and understand why I am behaving in certain ways.
I don't know how to express this sense of emptiness, the "lost" that is tearing within my heart. It consumes me so deeply. It's time like this, when I close my eyes and I realise how lonely, lost, hopeless, and desperate I am. Am I indulging in self-pity? Maybe. And yet there's always a reason within me to justify my thoughts...But these words that I could not express is slowly killing me inside. I just couldn't believe my mom's gone like that.
Sure enough, most of us have grown up watching television shows portraying families losing their loved ones in those melodramatic scenes, but never did I imagined myself, that I would lose mine as well, my only mother. It just hits me so hard. I never knew this day would come, so quickly. As a teenage son, I always thought she would be there till I hit my 50s.
Even till now, I don’t know what to do. Sadly, life still has to move on with or without my mother. People still demand more from you, to be more productive in society and things like that. But sometimes, I just wish to pause and ask myself, what am I living for...?
I cry not because I am weak, I cry because I know that I have lost a loved one that I will never have her back. Crying doesn't indicate that I am weak. Sometimes, tears are words from the heart that can't be spoken.
At times I just can't do anything right. My life's a mess. I just don't know how God is going to turn this whole mess around in my life. I am just holding on to that little hope I have in Him. Life is so hard...Sometimes, I think it's the hardest thing there is. I guess it's coming to me; I am tired. I am tired of things happening so much in my life.
Each time when I look at people sharing about their week/what God has done in their lives/testimonies/miracles/etc, it is always that materialistic thanksgiving. I don't know how to explain this pain within me but it just irks me. Its like "Oh, I like to thank God for sending me friends to eat at Sakura during my birthday!" or "Oh, I thank God for this friend of mine, she bought me a present!" or "Oh! You know what! I prayed that the bus would come faster, and it really did!"
I find it so difficult to share about my spiritual struggles to people around me. Nowadays, people don't seem interested in what I am about to say, but the things within me are killing me inside. I just wish people would be interested to listen to me.
I told myself, "Don't let my memories kill me." Finding comfort in this pain is almost painstakingly impossible. Am sorry if I seemed to rant so much about life.
I think God must be angry at me because of how I am speaking about Him...
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