Goodbye, that's all I can think of.

If people knew what kind of person I am, and the life I am living in, they wouldn't really want to associate with me anymore. 

 

I don’t know whether God still wants me. In all honesty, I feel that God has turned His face away from me because of all the things that I had done. I know what the bible says, but I can’t really receive it. I know God loves me, it’s in my head, I know it, but I just can’t receive it. Probably I can’t accept it because I know of all my wickedness yet I know the bible says God loves sinners like me, how can it be? The thing is I am like a dog that goes back to its vomit, always wanting to sin again and again. 

 

What if, what if I tell you that I still miss my mother every day; will you get bored of my emotions and words? 

What if, what if I tell you that I am suicidal, will you judge me and tell me to “snap out of it”? 

What if, what if I tell you that I hate how the way I look, with all my scars on my face, will you still not be my friend anymore?

Many times, I just want to stay in my room and never go out, because of all my insecurities that are trapped inside of me. 

Recently just watched 200 pounds beauty, even though it’s a really old show, but I liked how to movie portrays the perception of beauty in this society that is distorted, that people who are defined “Ugly” has no place in this world. But no one likes to look ugly, it’s not like they ask for it, and it hurts definitely knowing that they are always getting judged. 

Looks and beauty goes a long way to where you will land up to in life. If you look good, handsome, your face is flawless and things like that, girls will be attracted to your looks; people will hire you and so on. But unlike me, face full of acne scars, short and ugly, I am just like a turn off to others. The worse thing is that people just start staring at my face and comment about it. I am always ashamed of how I look. I hate it when people start focusing on my imperfections because I get that enough in my everyday life. It’s like adding salt to the wound. 

I seem to be a person that is hopeless, always getting hurt seems to be a process that is inevitable

I am a person who don't deserved to be saved, in this world, it’s like I am just floating lifelessly

Through the days and nights, no one knows the pain I am going through, to use my own tears to clean my hurts.

 

Just let me go, since there is no chance or hope for me, why continue the pretence to make everyone lives difficult?

Just let me go then, please don't make it so cruel for me, close your eyes and maybe you will slowly be numb to me

Just let me go, since this is the pit that I have dug, all the problems are my responsibility 

Just let me go then, stop telling me to clench my teeth, for you are not me and you don't know the depth of my hurts

The thing is, when you realised you have so much sins within you, and you tried so hard to tell God how sorry you are and you are willing to change, but nothing seems to happen, it feels as if God doesn’t want to have anything to do with a filthy person like me. An unrepentant soul. 

It seems that I have lost it all, this time for sure, I messed it all up. I see no hope in me, no future, no joy, and no happiness. It feels as if I never had Christ in my heart before.

Sure I may laugh, smile, or even crack a joke, but there’s always this deep unsatisfied desire to fill my incomplete spiritual void within me. The thing is I don’t know how. I tried crying, I tried praying, I tried worshipping, I tried reading the bible, I tried talking to God, I tried applying what the bible says, but I am always falling short of its standard. It seems like I am using works to substitute the void that only God can fill, but I tried telling God please fill me but I end up worse after that. At the end of day, I feel so spiritually dry again, it’s like I can never reach God’s attention.

 

Hear my cries, Oh Lord

My heart is overwhelmed with great sorrows and anguish

I cry out to the lord but there was no answer, a silence looms hanging in the air

My worries and fears grip me so tightly

My soul longs for death so desperately but yet fears what lies ahead after it

Lord, my heart is in such pain and agony

I just want to say I am deeply sorry about all the things that I’ve done and my heart is full of regrets

Yet I find no peace within me, a void that leaves me empty and dry

I go to the East and West, but the Lord does not seem to be there

I search deep within my heart, yet I feel that the Lord has abandoned me

 

When my mom died, a part of me died

When my relationship with God slowly died down, it seems like another part of me died inside

Now I feel like I am going through a waking death, physically alive, dead inside

Through all these, my tears are about to churn out from my eyes

Who can I turn to then, my Lord?

I cry out but no one hears me

I cry out to you but it seems so empty

No one knows the state I am currently in

 

Lord I am so messed up right now

My heart felt like it is being ripped apart

I just don’t know how to keep things going on

I am like a person without hope

I walk through the day crying in desperation

And the night falls, comes along the terror of disappointments and guilt that surrounds me

 

Lord I am begging you, save me please

I am feeling so useless Lord

It's like I am good in nothing

Wherever I am at

Everyone seems to be doing something better than me

I see no purpose in me

God I'm too messed up for your love

They tell me come as I am but I am too horrible for you

My whole life's full of sin because it’s what I am good at

But Lord I pray you understand

My whole life is a mess; will you still take me as I am…?

Many times I just want to shut off from the world, the people, even myself. I hate how my life is like right now, and yet I have to be involved in other’s people lives when I can’t even settle my own life.

I really wish I can restart my whole life again. I really do. I screwed up my physical life, now I have messed up my spiritual life. What have I landed myself into? I just can’t make things right. 

The world is a very scary place, because when you think you are good enough, someone’s going to be better than you, and it will never stop. There’s going to be so much comparison and at the end of the day, it just demoralises your confidence. 

 

I’m just so sad and I can’t find hope no matter how hard I try. I try so hard to stay strong and act like I’m feeling better every day because of all the guilt inside me. I feel guilty because I’m so unhappy and it makes my friends upset. 

My heart is so broken, and it hurts so much. When I stand up I can feel it, like a heavy weight in my chest that wants to drag me down. When I think about things that make me especially upset, it feels like there’s a knife in my chest. There’s this monster inside me that wants to rip me to pieces and it makes everything so hard. 

 

I see normal people that have a hard time with things like school or work, and it feels so unfair that for me just getting out of bed every morning and taking a shower is so difficult. And to make things worse, going to school to meet facilitators’ and friends’ expectations are tiring and demanding, with the project works that keep coming and coming, mentors demand it to be better, industry standard based, I don’t know whether I can continue taking on the pressure. I feel so pathetic. 

 

Every time someone asks me if I’m okay I want to tear up and tell them that I’m anything but okay, and that it hurts for me to be alive. It hurts so much, I don’t understand why being alive is such a hard thing for me. Waking up and facing every new day, breathing and being alive is so painful. I’m mad at myself for what I’ve done and my regret is that I’ve messed it up and not being able to save my mom. I try not to think about it because it hurts me too much and the guilt is unbearable. 

 

The guilt inside me could fill a freaking ocean. It isn’t something I can change but when I try to not think about it and pretend it never happened,  I feel like I can keep that guilt locked somewhere inside me where I won’t have to worry about it. One day I’ll either try again or I’ll be ready to face what I’ve done and somehow get over it. It all feels so far off, I feel so hopeless but I know that inside I still believe that all the people who tell me that it will get better might be right because I know they wouldn’t lie to me. 

 

I’m scared of how long it’ll take or if it really will ever get better. I don’t want to live a life of pain and be left with nothing but regret in the end if I haven’t gotten better. All the ones who say it’ll get better will go on with their lives while I stay this way, and that isn’t fair. I’m afraid of how lonely and upset I’ll feel in the end if I never get better and all the ones who told me that it would get better were wrong. I wonder if it’s worth it. Even if I do get better it won’t change this time in my life that I’ve lost. Even if this illness does get better, I’m not sure if my broken heart ever will.

Still missing my mother every single minute. She suffered about 10 years with diabetes and died with infection. I had to watch her pass in front of my eyes. It’s so hard to live without her, especially because I'm only 17 at that time and now I am 20. She was my best friend and my loving mother. I wish I could have saved her. I've been self destructing for years out of guilt for not being able to "save" her

 

Where are you God? I feel so abandoned, now that I believe in you more than ever I feel like you aren’t here to help me. I try to pray almost every day; I just want to know why I have to go through this. I always hear stories about how people ‘find God’ when they are hurt and alone. Then why do I still feel so alone when I turn to you every night while the world is asleep and I’m sitting in my room crying, begging for help.

What am I doing wrong? I’m trying so hard to do the right thing but I feel like everything I do is wrong. Sometimes I listen to my friend’s suggestions and then I feel like I’m not making a mistake. Whenever I decide to do anything on my own it just leads to something bad. Why am I so useless? All I do is let everyone and myself down all the time. I just want to be saved but I don’t think anyone can save me. I just want this hell to end but the monster inside me won’t ever go away.

 

The thing is no one really cares about other’s people problems. There’s only so much that they can do to stay and listen, but other than that, don’t expect them to be really there when you need your close friends to talk to. I don’t want to lie but when I tell people the truth I think they think I’m crazy and that I’m trying to get attention. I just want it all to end and go away. I don’t even know what taking care of myself means. And when I talk about it, it just hurts more. Why am I so alone?

 

There’s so much pain inside me that it hurts to smile now. I may be able to force a smile, I may be able to laugh falsely, and only a few times genuinely, but it still hurts to know that there's really no one who can see it. I feel so alone so many times, like I could die at any second.

I thought the feeling of loneliness would go away if I spent enough time with others but, it’s still there and it’s eating away at me. I know that people love me but my anger and sadness never seems to subside. Even when I’m with people I feel so cold and alone. How do I find how to be happy and whole again. I put on this smile and pretend to be happy, but what’s it like to really be happy?

 

I can’t wait to be done with my life. Every day is another day where I have to face people and pretend I’m not devoured by the insides, where I have to be there for them and be their rock, their support. I don’t own a gun. I have medicines, but I’m too scared that they won’t do the job. I don’t want to cut my wrists open because I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to cut the second one because I’ll have sliced my nerves. That leaves me only 2 options: hanging myself or jumping down the building. I’m just waiting for the right moment to get it over with.

 

I tried getting help, but people aren’t feeling and going through what I am going through. It seems the world really wants me to die. I can’t keep on living for other people. Right now, all that’s keeping me alive is my dad and the fear of going to hell. I don’t want my dad to weep for me. I don’t want him to suffer because of me, but it seems inevitable. My heart is so broken I can’t deal with myself anymore. I can’t deal with the mask I put on every day. The world kept me alive years ago when I almost died. I told myself that there was a reason and tried to get life working for me again. I don’t really want to die, in all honesty. It just feels like I have no other choice. I failed at everything in life. Everything I have done so far has only led to failure. It never gets better, only worse.

 

If church is a school, I failed at it. I feel so useless there. No matter what ministries I join, I am never going to make things right, either people are going to “kick” me out because I've got some issues in life which they don’t even bother to relate or I am really bad in that ministry. It’s like I want to serve in this area where I can put my talent in use and also dwell on things that prevents me from thinking about negative issues, but Christians somehow are just out there stopping me, telling me to back off indirectly, telling me it’s for my own good and things like that. I don’t hate them, but I just can’t understand why they are doing these things to me. It’s just so hurtful.   

 

I love God, I really do. But when I come to think of how on Judgement day God is going to speak to me about the things that I have done, I really fail at everything. I can’t meet up to His expectations. I failed at sharing gospel to my parents, I failed at putting my best in church, I failed at evangelising to my friends, I failed in school, I failed in handling emotions and friendships, I failed in keeping myself sanctified for God and seemingly, my future seems so bleak that it seems like it is failing. 


A second issue (that is perhaps hitting me even harder):  The yearning to be with someone.  I have been alone without a girlfriend. For so many years, that I wish I could be with someone.  I see so often couples holding hands, couples hugging, couples kissing, and I wonder if I can be in that situation.  Just the other day, I saw my cousin with his new bride, and I almost broke down completely. It really hit me hard. Don’t get me wrong, I was so happy for him, but I wished I could be with someone too. I wish it could have worked out for me too, so I could have been in a similar position.

 

After a long time of hoping and praying, hoping and praying, hoping and praying, and trying to be optimistic about life, I feel like I have really hit rock bottom in life. The taste of motivational thoughts, sayings, videos, etc only last so long, and then once reality hits again, comes along with another rejection or disappointment. There is little change or progress after so much efforts, and I feel so hurt and betrayed, abandoned and alone. Thoughts of ending it all are, and have been, a constant companion. But I don’t have the courage at this time to end it (at this time, anyway). I think about what my dad would have to go through. 

What’s heart breaking is that when you see people are going strong for the lord, getting all hyped up, trying to live out being the salt and the light of the world and trying their best to evangelise to their friends, and here I am, all these things just add salts to the wound, making it feels as if my spiritual life is just a complete failure and mess, lamenting about how life is miserable, how badly I want to die and how I seemed like a failure before the Lord. I am sorry God; I failed so badly, I am such a hypocrite. I love you so much but I can’t even live out to your commands.



Now, I am simply waiting for the right time to hang myself or to jump down from a building. I don’t want to fail at it. Every minute I have to wait is worse than hell, I am sure of that. To all the people that love me and count on me, I am so very sorry I failed at life too.

Goodbye.
That’s all I can think of.