Army Daze

Here's a recent update about me after having not posting for several months now. I've been in the army since June 13 2013, been about in there for 2 months already, and I'm already hating it each day.

I hate National Service. I'm never happy inside and I despise it. Booking out on Friday evenings and booking in on Sunday nights; time passes by so quickly during these 2 days every single time. 2 days a week is never, never enough. Having said that, on Saturday nights, the dread and mixed-up feelings slowly creep within me because I know booking in time is coming soon. Booking in was the worst feeling I can ever get in NS.

I know that a lot of people will tell me to "Man up, suck it up, and grow the fuck over it." But honestly speaking, not everyone is that positive being in the military life, and I simply don't care what others say about my views about how NS will have life-changing experiences and it is "good" for a guy to go through it. I guess I'm always unhappy inside, and no matter how hard I try to be positive inside, it dies down less than an hour or so. I don't know what can keep me motivated to continue through each day.
I have never been fond of NS in any way.  Every morning, I had to wake up at 5am and it's fucking torturous. Having to be emotionally, mentally and physically drained the day before, and yet have to wake up at such an early hour. Moreover, to know that I have to go through another torturous and draining activities ahead of me is simply depressing. I guess I really never really like army life. Because there are no heroes in a war. The real heroes are those who prevent it. 

I'm always paranoid in the army. What do I mean by that? I'm always the law-abiding dog in there. Whatever the sergeants said, I just do. Because I know that the smallest mistake or disobedience can lead me to punishments. I simply live in fear every day, because of my platoon sergeant. Every day, I pray that I will not get "tekan" by him because you will never want to get on his rough side. I guess I would breakdown in front of him if he "tekan" me. 

I also hate it when my section or platoon mates would take their own sweet time to go from point A to point B and make the sergeants get angry and we all have to do punishments. I fucking hate it. I mean c'mon, just follow orders, quickly get it done and we all don't have to do punishments. I also hate it when my sergeants shout because I get petrified by scoldings easily. Yeah, I'm a coward to simply put it.

Hopefully, after BMT, I would go to the slackest unit ever and that my life there would be simpler. I guess after BMT, it is enough for me. Sorry but I guess in life there are already a lot of challenges, I don't want to pile up another additional burden of the pains of the army on my shoulders already.

I hate everything about the army, especially that there is no hot water to bathe! I fucking hate it when some of my section mates are fucking selfish and wouldn't listen to some simple fucking instructions. I fucking hate it when they everyone is taking their own sweet time walking up and down the stairs or towards one point to another. It's fucking annoying and irritating and then we all have to get punishments and scoldings from the sergeants. I fucking hate it when people around me keep asking me stupid questions, like "Do I have to bring my admin t-shirt?" Fuck, wasn't the instructions already given and can't you use your ears to hear? In the army, learn to listen for God's sake! I fucking hate it when the time passes by so slowly in the army. Felt like an eternity there. 

Yeah, I know people will tell me that by having this negative mindset throughout my 2 years in the army, I will not enjoy the army and lead sad and painful days ahead. But why must I pretend to like the army when I so knowingly know that I myself am honest enough in my heart to know that I dislike the army. It's no point covering a lie with a pretentious truth. It's no point to say "Hey I'm going to stay positive in the army" when I'm dreading the army life. Well, I guess having a positive mindset for others, helps to kill time faster in the army, but I guess it doesn't really work out for me that way.

So many times, I thought of declaring my sexual orientation to the medical officers just so that I can have a simpler life in the army. Because simply, I really hate the combat lifestyle of the army. I hate holding guns, I hate doing drills, I hate regimentation, I hate getting scolded, I just hate everything that I need to go through in the army. What I'm afraid after declaring is that, more complicated issues may arise, such as them having to inform my dad about it and that I may find difficulties finding a job in the future. Feels like I'm being blackmailed.

I'm going to book in, in several hours time. God, I hate that dreaded feeling that is in my heart. I just hope the sergeants will be nicer to us and not have the sudden PMS and start to shout and shout and shout. Please, life is already so hard, make my life simpler in NS.