What does waking up means anymore?

Suicide has been on my mind the past few days. I can't seem to shake it off, yet it seems so comforting to me. It hurts to think about it, but it's scarier that I might actually mean it one day. People tell me to cherish life. Not that I don't, but the conceptual beauty of life is difficult and distorted that's ahead of me, and I find it hard to believe it's beautiful anymore. I'm terribly broken, damaged, useless and it's no point going on in life. The thing is I'm insecure as fuck.

Please don't ask if I'm okay because I might do something stupid like open up myself to people and I'm really tired of getting close to people and watching them leave me like I'm nothing. I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up. I know it's frustrating for some people who are with me to see me going down again and again, and I'm terribly frustrated with myself as well. I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

I cry these silent tears, because behind them are a thousand words which people will never understand. And no matter how hard I try to show them my side of the coin, it never feels enough. I can't quite convey to you, the emotions I feel, just the way I feel them. The words that come out of my mouth seem disjointed and disconnected, and they never flow in the manner I would wish them to. Because people who have thoughts like mine can never go back. They can never be like regular people. The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.

I don't really have any motivation to do anything anymore. I don't feel like wasting my energy on all the pointless day to day bullshit of life. It's like one day everything's going okay, and the next day, it's all falling apart faster than I can put it back together. I'm sick of trying so fucking hard and getting nothing in return

I think, that mental scars are the saddest of all. Because no one will ever see them. And, no one will ever care. Maybe, maybe I'm a little sad. Sometimes, it's too hard to smile. Sometimes, there's nothing to smile about. What do you do when everyone is moving and I just can't? I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. And you know what? I don't think I'll ever know what to do. Sometimes, it's just easier to hide under my covers and ignore everyone. You know, sometimes I even ignore myself. I guess I'm good at ignoring myself and others. Maybe, I'm a little more than just sad.

I guess I am a human contradiction. I have no self-confidence, yet I act like one. I want to turn my life around, yet I want to die. I want people to think that I am strong, yet all I want to do is cry. I want to be the best at everything, yet I always seem to fail so terribly. I want to stop hurting myself, but that's all I seem to do. When I wake up, I want to be happy. But I don't want to wake up anymore.