The God I struggle with

I went out today to meet my friends, and I couldn't handle reality. I saw so many good looking guys and I was so easily attracted by their looks. They caught my attention and I wasn't really concentrating on my friends' conversations. I kept quiet throughout the whole session and my eyes kept glancing through the crowds. "I hate myself", I said in my mind a hundred times whenever I see a good looking guy walked passed. My heart sank and immediately, it felt like I died on the spot. To know that I look ugly and be attracted to guys at the same time. I hate myself.

I really really want to die so badly. How much pain do I have to go through until giving up is okay? To be gay, and trying to be a Christian, is spiritual mental torture. To have this feeling that God looks at me with disgust and unwilling to turn His eyes upon me, I ran spiritually away every time I sinned against God. Every day, I wake up to find myself still breathing, it depresses me.

You know how much it depresses me and makes me cry each time I'm reminded that I can't be turned on by the opposite gender that I'm supposed to!? I know I sounded pathetic, but honestly, I'm trying as hard as I can to be physically attracted to girls, be it their looks or personality, but I just can't; I can't! It hurts me a lot because I have to act like I like girls in Church and outside, in front of my leaders and friends.

People I have come across in Church so heavily condemned homosexuality without first understanding why is it so hard for guys like me, to like girls. They bring out scriptural verses like how God hates the acts of homosexuality and such but unwilling to empathise the pains and agonies that gays have to go through, trying so hard to shake off the tendencies of attractions towards guys but to no avail.

They kept saying it's a choice, so then,

(If you think homosexuality is a choice, please imagine making that choice yourself. If you feel a sudden repulsion at the idea of yourself with a person of the same sex, then imagine choosing that as a lifestyle. Congratulations, you now understand why being gay isn't a choice.) - Tim

Somehow, I came to the thought that God loves me so much that He created hell just in case I don't love him back. 

I have been a Christian for 5 years and I'm 21 years old this year. Ever since I accepted Christ, 3 years back, my mom suffered an illness, I remember praying so hard to God, with all earnest faith that He will heal my mother, but she passed away eventually. I was so angry with God, because, for one time, I asked God to heal someone I loved, He said no. But instead, he's willing to heal others of cancer and those with a terminal illness from the testimonies I heard in Church. I was bitter with God. And I'm sure you know the Bible says that those who do not accept Christ in their hearts, they will go to Hell. My mother wasn't a Christian, and the last thing I need in my mind right now is to know my mother suffering in Hell when she was such a loving woman towards me. I felt so unjustified for her.

After my mom passed away, I indulged in gay porn. (It started when I was 10 when I realized my liking for guys) And how much worse being gay and Christian, is to know that I will never be able to love someone, without being plagued by a deep sense of guilt for my entire life, and to know that the only reciprocal love I am capable of, is one that God disapproves of. I felt like God didn't answer my prayers because I was more inclined towards guys, or just simply, homosexual.

Now, I'm at the stage of not knowing what to do, I tried to pray and read the bible so hard, but I just don't simply connect to God (most probably because I felt that God doesn't want to have anything to do with me due to my sexual preferences). For the past few days, I tried to forget about God, and honestly, I felt such joy and happiness for the first time. It's like freedom, but then I couldn't let go of God, because I still hold on to the belief of "What if God really exists and that there's a hell waiting for me?" And you know, me being a coward, I really don't want to go hell.

So to me, being a Christian now is to be constantly plagued by the guilt and hurt of being a gay Christian and realising that my mom could be in hell. Knowing that God always looks at me in disgust, and make me hate myself even more so that I will be subservient to God and to continue to grovel in the absurdity and torment of my religion called Christianity.

Or being a free thinker allows me to feel so much relief, removing the burdens from my chest, able to love guys without feeling the immense pressure of guilt, to know possibly that my mom could be in a better place, and to accept reality.

To suffer in guilt the whole time, or to be set free from any thoughts of religious thinking? But then if God is real, comes the consequences of hell.

Indeed it is, my mind is really a terrible place to be in. So many thoughts, so many hurts and so many confusions. Now, I'm at a crossroad in life, not in a physical way, but spiritually and mentally. Challenging my faith in God and being gay was most upsetting to me. It's a painful contradiction.

I never really liked the church, because ever since I challenge them with my thoughts and questions, they classified me as if I was a lunatic. To them, I'm like a vile creature before their eyes. I was seen as a horribly disgusting person in the church. I never view things the way they see it. From what I see in most Christians, the closer they are to God, the more they will tend to sift out anything positive, anything good even if they can't really find one, they creatively come up with an idea that fits in the stories of the bible.

A 'moral god' would not have punished anyone for using the free will that he insisted they have. Why create something to have free will then get upset that it acts on its free will? If anything it sounds, it sounds more like an angry extra-terrestrial throwing a tantrum.

And yet so many Christians wouldn't portray the "horrifying" side of God, they always present God as "God of love", "God of mercy", "God who provides" and etc. Whenever they pick verses from the Bible, they always try to make themselves feel good and how they want God to bless them. How self-centred they are. If they are going to believe in God and the Bible, they better believe the whole thing of the "Horrifying" side of God and "Good" side of God, and they don't better cherry pick the bible verses. Hypocrites much they are.

Guess what! God loves us so much that He created hell for us just in case we don't love him back. Old testaments are full of horrific tortures. God created laws that people could easily break and then demands their blood when they failed. Then people thank God when Jesus came, but then Jesus sacrificed himself, to himself (God) and saved us from punishment from himself for sins that are defined by laws that He made. What He basically did was saying "These are the laws, if you sin, I'll burn you alive, but worship me forever and I might not have you killed". He created the laws by which people are sent to hell for easily breaking them, then people thank him for some reason when He promises not to burn them alive for all eternity. The reason why so many people came to Christianity in the first place is that they don't want to go to hell, not really because they want a relationship with Christ. 

And how did all these brutal stories sound sweet and lovely for children? Because they water down all the negative parts of the horrific sides of the Bible, and make the stories as fun, inspiring, "God loves you" and such for little children and people, and most importantly, because children like animals, that's why Noah's ark story is such a popular choice for kids. But do they ever consider the fact of 20 million people that died because God got angry when people didn't act the way he wants? No, it wasn't really explicitly told to children, but they always like to tell kids "God is loving" But amazingly, people can talk about how God is loving to save Noah's family and all the animals but disregard the fact of 20 over million people that died on that day. And mind you, Hitler only killed 11 million people. But did people say Hitler was a loving person? No! But people say God is loving, just because the verse says God is love, God first loved us, and He sent Jesus Christ to died for our sins. If God is love, Hitler must have won a noble prize.

Christians I met argue it was because of the freewill of men that causes their destruction. But wait, before God created anything, He knows everything. He gave men free will, and guess what God knew that Satan would tempt them. And until now, I could never understand why God would put a tree of knowledge there in the garden when He specifically doesn't want Adam and Eve to eat it. The analogy is like me having to place a glass of water in front of you and I told you, you can look at it, but you cannot drink it. Then why in the first place would I put that glass of water in front of you? To tempt you indirectly? A test of faith? Really?

And what happens when Adam and Eve ate the fruit? 

Genesis :16-19
“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.”
To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’

“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat food from it
all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”

Wow, did you see that? God seems to have seemed anger management issues. For someone who supposedly knows everything everyone will ever do, the God of the Bible sure does seem prone to extreme mood swings.

Tell me, if your child hangs out with gangsters, smoke and everything, thought of stealing and hit other people, would you think of killing your own child? A "moral god" would have understood the flaws & failings of its creations and forgiven them without getting all Nazi on them. If you have said no to killing your own child, congratulations, you have successfully placed your morals and code of ethics higher than God.

1. God created us for us to have an awesome love relationship with him. (not to forget the freewill that goes with it)
2. God created Hell for Satan, and later for people (with freewill) who do not love or believe in Him.
3. God is all knowing, he know us from birth till death.
4. God knows millions of people who are alive right now, will choose not to believe in him even the gospel is even shared to them.
5. Yet, the 'loving' God still happily creating them knowing that they will go to hell even with their freewill involved.

If those people who have not heard of Christ and die, would they go to hell? If no, God would personally speak to them right when they die right? The chances of them believing would be higher since they are experiencing God personally?

But then if we evangelize, people have a higher chance to reject us, because they have neither seen God or hear God. And when they reject, wouldn't they go to hell? So isn't it better not to evangelize then? 

Also, God knew who would accept him and not accept him before He created men. Isn't that right? Since He is all knowing? So you cannot really blame men if God has already foreknew that person is going to reject him even if he was born?

Christians told me that they experienced miracles and answered prayers. Strangely enough, God seems to have more power to answer petty-like prayers like giving you food on the table, give you enough wisdom to pass your papers, give you enough rest over the night so you can wake up early to go to school or work, help you find your parking lot, give you the "right" people so you can feel as if God's wanting to bless you and make your day better while millions of kids are starving to death. And anything that seems coincidentally fits into the Christian's desires, they will naturally think its from God. There are so many narcissistic Christians who cared about wanting to have their prayers answered in order to suit their desires.

Come to think of it, why is that almost every Christians I know who claimed that their prayers and miracles that they had experienced are those of every religions and those free-thinkers can also achieved without the help of the real "God". For example, anyone (not just Christians) can find a parking lot by chance even without the help of God. Or how when you thank God when He helped you in your exams? I'm also sure there are people who passed their exams as well even if they were Christians or not. Many friends I know are not Christians and yet they get good results. This is absolutely a joke on Christian's prayer on what matters most. Seriously? And interestingly, God will give people good results but ignores the starving, murder, rape, suicide, cancer, diseases, illness, pains? 

The fact is, whether you pray or not, it doesn't change the fact whether you going to get your parking lot or get good results. Because if that's the case, nothing good will happened to non-believers because they did not believe in God. And also, why is God so limited in His power. For example, ask God to help you find your car keys but unable to help someone who is getting rape? I mean hello God, where's the priority? And what about those unanswered prayers that people have prayed for years and years and God said no. How about accidents and horrible disasters that God could have intervene but chose not to, but instead chose to answer your prayers of "Finding your car keys" or "That your bus arrives on time?" I think prayers answered, are by environmental settings, chance and probability.

Some say miracles really happened, like cancer or terminal illness patients got healed when they prayed. But what about those who had cancer or terminal illness didn't get healed even though they prayed? Are you telling me God is choosing favorites on who he wants to heal or not? 

I recall hearing a story not that long ago about a plane crash where everyone was killed except for an 10 year old girl. She was traveling with her parents, who were both killed. Obviously God must have hated every single person on the aircraft except for that 1 person that he favored, and mysteriously made it look as though that person survived by nothing more than random chance to test your faith.

I challenge you to explain to that girl why God love her parents. And don't give me that "God works in mysterious ways" or "His ways are higher than ours" answers. Because these are words that believers kept saying when their faith are challenged in trying to answer the "genuine*" sufferings of this world.

*Many believers I know think their genuine sufferings are is when they can't feel close to Christ and when they are at rock bottom internally and spiritually but they are not in like life and death crisis and think that all their lives revolves around the grades. Sorry but I don't really think these are genuine sufferings. 

Christians worship a God who kills people, how it wants it and when he wants it. How many families have cried over their dead children and parents, through tragic accidents and terrible disasters, when the so-called loving God could protect them, but He chose not to. How he could just stand there and watch, and then go "oh my...". I dare you to tell the families how much God loves them, but then praise God to you, because why? Your bus arrives on time and you passed your exams. God's plan is perfect huh?

Christians can say that the girl who survived is a miracle, but really? There are no miracles in accidents. Never. If there is a God why didn't he save all the other passengers? How about all those hundreds of passengers in the plane that die and going to hell, because God is God and He can do whatever He likes? Isn't that egoistic and self-centered, just because He is more supreme than us?

God gave men freewill, and it goes like "You know what, either believe in me or burn in hell forever" Then what's the point of giving men free will when God already demands that people believe in Him, it's seems like coercing the person to believe because there's a punishment (hell) at the end. Seems like a dictator to me. 

Try going North Korea for once and see how it works there. Kim Jung Ill was portrayed as a glorious eternal leader, whoever do not believes in Him shall be sentenced to death or harsh punishment. Freewill yes they have, but they were coerced into believing in Him. Sounds familiar huh.

If you love a girl, do you give her the choice to either freely love you or not? Do you threaten to kill her or torture her for life if she don't love you back. Doesn't that sounds very immoral and selfish, and self-centered? Even if she said she love you, you coerced her to love you even you gave her the freewill to either love you or not, because it's for your own selfish pleasures and also because she is scared that you will torture her for life. Even so, her love is not genuine.

God seems to be completely obsessed with people getting on their knees, begging for forgiveness based on rules he implemented, to save us from problems that he created, so that we can somehow escape a punishment that he instituted.

And also, I'm so sick of Christians who kept saying the old testament laws doesn't count. Really? Then why still keep the 10 commandments? Now, if you are saying the old testament laws still stands, then why aren't you keeping it?
Jesus certainly intended his followers to uphold the old laws.

(Matthew 5:17-18) 
17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 
18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished.

Exodus 31:15. Six days shall you do work: in the seventh day is the Sabbath, the rest holy to the Lord. Every one that shall do any work on this day, shall die.

Exodus 35:2. Six days you shall do work; the seventh day shall be holy unto you, the Sabbath and the rest of the Lord: he that shall do any work on it, shall be put to death.

From these verses, I can literally stone you to death if you work on the Sabbath. But we don't do it now, Why? Because Jesus is the new covenant? Of course, there are those who would argue about the Old and New Covenant issues, 

So, why do Christians eat pork then, If both the old and new testament suggests that it is not right to eat pork? Are we then deceived into believing that the Law does not apply to Christians because Jesus is the New Covenant? And that we are not subjected and bound to the old testament laws?

If the above sentence is true, and we say that we love God, we have to keep His commandments right? And one of his commandments that was given during the old testament was not to eat pork, so is it true that we Christians should not eat pork? 

How about all these verses? Are you keeping them?

Leviticus: 11:4 Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.

Leviticus 11:6. The hare also: for that too cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof.

Leviticus 11:7. And the swine, which, though it divideth the hoof, cheweth not the cud.

Leviticus 11:8. The flesh of these you shall not eat, nor shall you touch their carcasses, because they are unclean to you.

Leviticus 11:10. But whatsoever hath not fins and scales, of those things that move and live in the waters, shall be an abomination to you,

Leviticus 11:11. And detestable. Their flesh you shall not eat: and their carcasses you shall avoid.

Leviticus 11:12. All that have not fins and scales, in the waters, shall be unclean.

Leviticus 19:19. Keep ye my laws. Thou shalt not make thy cattle to gender with beasts of any other 
kind. Thou shalt not sow thy field with different seeds. Thou shalt not wear a garment that is woven of two sorts.

Leviticus 19:27. Nor shall you cut your hair roundwise: nor shave your beard.

Exodus 21:15. He that striketh his father or mother, shall be put to death.

Exodus 21:17. He that curseth his father or mother, shall die the death.

Why don't you go around putting to death others who curse parents then? Do you ever wear garment that is woven of two sorts?

Christians are so funny. They like to believe the rosy-lovey side of the bible, always focusing on Jesus is love, God is love. How many sermons are preached about God killing people because of their wickedness and such. Rarely, because we love to show the good side of God. It's like showing one side of the coin.

Why do Christians cherry-pick the Bible? Seems to me that Christians conveniently ignore the parts of the Bible they don't like. They say things like "oh, that's not to be taken literally" or "what that REALLY means is blah blah blah", or "You have to look in that context". They always water-down or ignore or interpret away the parts of the Bible they wish didn't exist.

Whenever I challenge Christians, they always know how to say this thing "It's out of context." Oh really? What makes this verse out of context and that verse NOT out of context? How about the verse that so many Christians can recite of John 3:16, is it out of context? How do you know it is not out of context? Because that verse makes you feel good? Seriously? Christians like to cherry pick the verses they like to make them feel good, whatever verses they find it uncomfortable to handle or debate with, they always say "It is out of context."

This is the problem of Christians nowadays, they are not taught to challenge beyond the idea of "God is love" theory. Because ever since they are indoctrinated about the love of God, that Jesus died for us and He first loved us, Christians would simply disregard the facts of anything, anything that seems to contradict the character of God. Such as God has no problem killing the firstborn babies in Egypt. Because I can cite a hundred references to show that the biblical God is a bloodthirsty tyrant, but if Christians can dig up 2 or 3 verses that say God is love, they will claim that I am taking things out of context!

Whenever a Bible verse contradicts the happy, shiny, bubbly, delusional idea Christians have about a God they only simply think that He is love. Why is it always the evil and malevolence and cruelty that is "taken out of context"? Why not the "love"? Because the fact is, there is a hell of a lot more death, genocide, torture, famine, slavery and cruelty from "God" in the Bible that there is love. Maybe, just maybe, it is the "love" that is "taken out of context".

After months of debates with Christians, I guess they had found me irritating, always questioning and challenging them. But isn't what pastors and cell leaders always say? Challenge your beliefs, question what the scriptures say and ask what I do not understand? And yet they think I was a lunatic after posing so many extreme difficult questions. Why is it whenever I use reason and logic to try to understand what the Bible says, it's considered that the devil has planted doubts in my head? "I'll pray for you", they said.

You call pray all you want. Thanks and I appreciate it. But remember, the next time you pray or "thank God" for something you think He has "Blessed" you with, ask yourself why He "blessed" you but not help the homeless or the child with cancer or grow back the limbs of a wounded soldier. 

Do you people as Christians honestly believe that you have what you have because God listens to your prayers and decided to bless you or answer you? Do the poor and the starving not pray? Do the sick and the oppressed not pray? Were the thousands of victims of genocide and rape not praying for it to stop? Are you really so arrogant as to think that God selectively answers the prayers of the first world upper and middle class people and no one else's?

Think about it. Think long and hard. What makes you so special? That you are a child of God? What about the rest? Aren't they too? Think about it.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?” - Epicurus

God so loved the world He punished every human being because Adam and Eve shared an Apple. God so loved the world that he flooded it killing nearly every living thing. God so loved the world that he punishes children seven generations deep for the sins of their father. God so loved the world that he burns his children in hell for all eternity simply because they didn't love him sufficiently. God so loved the world that he created Satan and gave him free reign over the earth. 
God so loved the world that he created Stalin and Hitler. Millions and millions who died in victims of war go to hell, just because it seems God wants our constant adoration so he will go so far as to inflict horrible suffering on us so that we will beg him for mercy. God hates most people and he proves it every day. He certainly prove it in the Bible with his senseless acts of killing and mass genocides and legendary killing sprees.

God so loves the world that when Abraham asked God to spare the people of Sodom God feign ignorance and said to Abraham, "if my Angels can find 50 righteous people I will spare the city". Chances are most the people in that city were not wicked especially not the children but God being the sadist, he destroyed the city and everyone in it and if that wasn't enough he turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. God being not satisfied with that decided it would be fun to watch lot have sex with his two daughters. (Genesis 19)

Did you know, for example, that God has forced friends and family to kill each other for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf? He burned complainers to death, forced the survivors to eat quail until it literally came out their noses, sent "fiery serpents" to bite people for complaining about the lack of food and water, and killed 14,700 for complaining about his killings? God has helped Samson murder thirty men for their clothes, slaughter 1000 with the jawbone of an ass, and kill 3000 civilians in a a suicide terrorist attack? He smote Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts and also slowly killed a baby to punish David for committing adultery?
God has even killed 70,000 because David had a census that he (or Satan) told him to do?He even sent a lion to kill a prophet for believing another prophet's lie, another lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet, and more lions to kill people that didn't fear him enough? He has killed 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest and burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill? Moreover, sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of Elisha's bald head? And killed Ahab for not killing a captured king, and then sent Jehu to kill all of Ahab's family and friends who had ever "pissed against a wall?"

All of these killings, and more, are found in the Bible, and the God of the Bible is proud of each one. Here's what He said about them: "I kill...I wound...I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh." (Deuteronomy 32:39-42) These stories fill the pages of the Bible, yet they are seldom read in church and are ignored by most Bible believers. 

I am tired of the many young Christians who are brainwashed. They are only taught the “love and mercy” parts of the Bible and never bother to read what is not so openly preached. Yeah, go on and tell to your kids, how God is so loving that when you don't believe in Him, He's going to burn your kid in hell forever and ever. How God is so loving to drown wicked men in a flood that kills over 20 million people. How God is so loving that he relishes to kill people that disobeyed him, how he just loves the gory and vile blood that spills everywhere that satisfy him. 

So here's the thing, for all the talk about God being LOVE & the value of human life, the bible God relishes the death of His enemies. When God says, Love me & serve me or burn forever, that's not a choice, that's an ultimatum* 

*(A statement, especially in diplomatic negotiations, that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties if the terms are not accepted.)

When people talk about God, they always introduce Him with phrases and words like “merciful”, “loving”, “God of Peace”, etc. 

The truth is, it's hard pressed to find any of those qualities in God. I see a God that has committed, commissioned or condoned atrocities so vile that He would have been tried and convicted many times over for crimes against humanity and put in a prison for the criminally insane if he had not been God. Every one of the ridiculous events above mentioned would have qualified as a crime against humanity.

Yet interestingly, so many bible believing Christians can skipped through so many of the killing parts. Those that defends God’s ridiculous killings say that those who were killed, were killed because they disobeyed God. To this we say, “Is that all God knew to do”? No lesser punishments for lesser offenses? Perhaps there was, but it seems ridiculous to be stone to death when working on Sabbath. Really? Then everyone should stop working on Sunday now isn't it? Coffee shop owners should close their stores, no jogging and exercising on Sabbath and etc. Can't God just awake the minds of the wicked like how he personally show and speak to Paul himself? God maybe finally realized it, I suppose because after killing millions and millions, His only other murder was of his son, Jesus.