True Christian

I don’t know if God could ever love a person like me ever again. I keep sinning every day. Sinning is one thing but continuously practicing habitual sin is another thing. That’s why I doubt my authenticity of my salvation. The Bible ask us to “Test ourselves” and “Examine ourselves” to see whether we are true Christians. I’m starting to wonder if all these while, my genuineness of my walk with God could be my own self-generate thoughts and emotions, thinking that I truly had a relationship with God. But in fact, I may not really have. I don't want to think that I'm going heaven and one day, suddenly God said to me "Depart from me, for I never knew you." 

The Bible says that “He who practices sin, is of the devil.” (1 John 3:8) The one who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work.

The Bible also warns us not to harden our hearts and quench the Holy Spirit. I’m afraid I’ve done that. I have harden my heart so much that God might have taken away His Holy Spirit from me. People have told me that the Holy Spirit will never leave us. I don’t doubt that, but I believe that are certain circumstances that will cause the Holy Spirit to leave us. That is why when King David sinned against God, He pleaded to God not to take away the Holy Spirit away from him. This is because King David knew how lost he will be without the Holy Spirit.

The Bible also said that our body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit, and we are called to sanctify our body and to keep ourselves pure and holy. But look at me, I have indulged in so many sinful activities, my mind wonders around like a fanatic looking for opportunities to continue on in my sins. What a hypocrite I am!

I enjoyed being in my sins so much that I don’t feel Godly sorrow that leads to genuine repentance. I always look forward to keep on sinning yet I really hate it. I want to do good but my flesh wants to do all the evil. I have reached to the stage where I just want to keep doing evil. I don’t know if God would still be willing to accept and forgive me if my heart is not even committed in wanting to put in my 100% to repent. But it’s so hard, to just turn away and flee from the devil. My mind is always wandering around; when temptations come, I can’t even be bothered to pray. I hate myself so badly. I don’t think I even have a chance to make it to heaven. 

I have heard so many of my Christian friends said that “God loves me and He won’t throw people to Hell who believes in Him.” But you know what? Confession does not really guarantee that we are really saved. If I am really a true and transformed creation in Christ, I must genuinely bear fruits (Matthew 3:8) Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. 

Jesus had already said that “Not all who calls me Lord Lord will enter into the kingdom of Heaven, but those who do the will of my Father.” I thought, “I have not even done God’s will at all. What hope is there left for me!? I’m at the brink of destruction! I’m at the edge!” Jesus even said that few will enter into the kingdom of heaven, for the road is narrow, and many will take the broad path into destruction!

I don’t even know what to do. I don’t know if God could listen another prayer of mine. The Bible even warns that those who turn away their ears from hearing God’s law (Disobedience to God), God is offended by even their prayers. (Proverbs 28:9) If one turns away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer is an abomination.

The prayers of wicked men, like me are repugnant and disgusting to God. This is what “Abomination” means. Do you know how strong the emphasis God uses in His word to describe people who prayed without obeying Him? “Abomination!” It’s scary and how serious God is! And we all have this idea that God is “lovey-dovey” and will not do such horrible things, but no. God will not honour the prayers of men who do not honour God and His Word. That’s why I’m fearful. Every day I wonder if God would even hear the prayers of mine.

The Bible even continues saying,
(John 9:31) We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will.
(Psalm 66:18) If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened

People told me God hears the prayers of the righteous. (Proverbs 15:29) The LORD is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous. By that, the righteous are those who abides in Jesus Christ and their obedience are towards Him. But I’m not! I sinned like a fanatic! That’s why I think I’m not righteous, I am a sinful and wicked person, whose feet are ready to set into sin! How can I claim myself to be a Christian and yet not live in the path of purity and righteousness?

(1 Peter 3:12) “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.” The Bible proclaims that God is offended greatly by people who pray while embracing wickedness and sin, and disregarding His Word. I have heard so many people kept telling me that God will always hear peoples’ prayers. But I believe that there are people whose prayer God will not hear. (Isaiah 59:2) “But you iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that he will not hear.” To allow anything to separate me from the fellowship of God, so that He will not hear my prayers is a very serious matter. It is a sad situation for those who try to pray to God but God will not hear them, and yet I am still so unrepentant!

Sure, we all know God is love and merciful, He’s gracious and kind, willing to forgive us if we confess our sins. But I believe that if we continue to keep on sinning, there will come a time where God allows the person to continue in his sins and when we are not sincere in our repentance, God will not truly forgive us.

^{(Romans 1:18-32)} 

God’s Wrath Against Sinful Humanity

²¹ For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. ²² Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools ²³ and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.

²⁴ Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 

That’s why the Bible says “Do not put the Lord, your God to the test.” It's like to say "Don’t test God every time to forgive me when I know what I’m doing is wrong." 

(Hebrews 10:26) "For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins" which I believe is talking about the unrepentant sinner who knows what he is doing is wrong, but does it anyway with no effort made to return to God.

It is a fearful thing to fall in the hands of the living God! God is fully able to destroy both soul and body in hell! Jesus clearly stated that God can do far more than just kill a person’s body, He can cast the person’s body and soul into Hell!

That's why I worry more than others of my Christian peers, which they don't really see why can't I have peace in my heart and the burden I'm having. 

"I'm trying again", these words that I have told God and myself probably a thousand times, but I really want to walk in obedience, I really want to bear fruits for Christ to show that I am a true Christian, but I'm always falling so quickly and ready to sin.

God, I know I'm not a righteous person and I have sinned thousand times. I'm not worthy nor deserving of Your grace and mercy, but I hope You would listen again, that I really want to start anew again, to read Your word and to really apply it in my life. I know it's going to be tremendously difficult, but God, please help me to persevere and to be consistent in my relational walk with You. Help me God. I don't want to die in my sins. Help me please God. I pray in Jesus' name, Amen.