Lingering words in forgotten time

I wonder if killing myself is the only thing I can control in my entire life, and that's why some people think committing suicide is a sin because it is like beating God at His own game. To me, sadness is such a confusing emotion. It makes me depressed but it is so addictive. I can't stop sadness, sadness to me is my familiarity. It's comfortable and it's easy in the sense that it comes naturally to me. But everything else is hard and difficult to perceive and to deal with. 

I know I seem like a happy person outside, and I act like it most of the time. But deep down, I'm not. I know people have it worse than me, but I still have troubles of my own. And how do I tell my friends, the smile that they have seen over the past years were fake? I guess the worst part about being sad is that I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I think the worst gift I have ever received in my life. I know I should thank God for the life I had, but it's misery I am feeling. I feel like "life" left me behind a long, long time ago. 

I don't like the memories I have either, because the tears come easily and once again, I will always break the promise I tell to myself for each day that I will be better. It's a constant battle, a war between remembering and forgetting. The constant pain follows me wherever I go, and the shadow reminders of a wasted life I have clings onto me. "I guess it's too late," I told myself. I've screwed up my life, and I feel like I bother people just by being alive. 

This is what I am now. I have periods of enormous waves of depression that just keep drowning me, where I go completely off my path, and lose all sight of reality and reason. It's another of those heavy nights, where I don't want to do anything, not wanting to sleep or leave my computer. My dearest companions are the words that are quickly forming up in my mind that I just can't keep up with them. I guess some people are dying from overthinking. We fill our brains with harsh thoughts, negative thinking, criticism and it brings the body down too. 

Recovery was something people wanted me to have. But the reason why I don't feel like recovering anymore is that whenever I try to recover, things just end up getting worse. I guess the hardest part about recovery is when I'm not really so sure whether if I want to recover. I've lost count of how many times I told God that I will change to be a better person, to stop sinning but I end up filthier and sinful than the day before. I thought I was able to slowly ease the pain of losing my mom, but the horrible nightmare and guilt of eternal Hell haunt me, there was no peace in me; sorrow overwhelms my existence within and it sears my conscience. 

There are some things I am afraid of. Like straying away from my faith and ending up in Hell, or that my family died without Christ. But if I am truly honest, what scares me the most, is that if people were to peel away all my layers, and untangle all my secrets, they would find that the deepest parts of me were not what they wanted. They wouldn't want me then; they wouldn't like to deal with who I really am. 

I always wanted to run away from everything. Call me a coward if you want. But do you ever get that feeling when you just want to leave and start walking somewhere whether you are in a group of friends or elsewhere? You just want to go somewhere completely new and different, somewhere where you can just sit down on a hill or by a lake or somewhere for the entire day and just relax and not care about anything or what anyone else is doing? That's me. I just wanted to leave. I want to stop trying and not care. I'm a little tired of feeling like a failure. 

I'm never the one who gets called first. I'm never the best friend. I'm never the one someone would fall in love with. I'm never the best at school and in Church. I'm never the one people would remember. I just exist. And I am sick of it. My family doesn't notice that I am constantly upset, nor my friends in Church and school. I feel all alone in this big, judgmental place called "home". When was the last time anyone ever needed me? I don't even think there was a time at all. All I think is that I'm the one always needing someone else. Maybe I'm just too freaking complicated for anyone to love. 

I need God, but I don't know if God needs me. Somehow I reason out with the existence of 6 billion people on Earth, why would God ever want me? I'm that sinful and debauched, I think about gay sex, I missed my mom, I hate people with seemingly good lives, I'm that depressed. Why would God wants anyone like me? I have given up long ago on myself thinking that I would be better if I tried again, to be good. I was a failed defect product of Christianity, I am a disgrace. What could I do, I ran as far as I could spiritually. 

Do you know what it's like to have barely any friends that are there for you? Do you know what it's like to have no one understands you? Do you know what it's like to have no one to talk to? Do you know what it's like to have your mother dying in front of you? Do you know what it's like to hide your pain every day? Do you know what it's like to feel like crying most of the time? Do you know what it's like to feel like whatever you do, nothing is right? Do you know what it's like to want to hurt yourself? Do you know what it's like to over think everything? To be tired all the time? To feel empty? To be tired of everything? To want to give up? To not feel wanted? To be gay? To be judged? To fake a smile? To feel sad for no reason most of the time? I know what it's like, and that nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad, how horrible they truly are and to know that it hurts like hell. 

Whenever I'm outside, I walked with my head down. I didn't enjoy talking to anyone. Not even my family. Not that I don't like them, I was so tired of everything that I don't seem interested in preparing myself for communication. When the day would end, I would be in my room and sink myself in. I stayed awake every night till 2am, praying and hoping for a change in my life.

But it gets harder and harder to fake a smile and act okay when it's getting harder and harder to survive. People said "Be honest and real" but to be truthful, in a society like this, no one wants to hang out with broken people because people felt like they are a burden. People who have physical scars hide them with clothing or a mask. Those with emotional scars hide them with a smile or a laugh. Sometimes when people ask me if I'm okay, I stutter. Sometimes I wonder if should tell all my secrets, and say that I am not fine? Would they listen? Would they care? Or would they turn away, leaving me alone, and regret asking? But then I just want to turn around and say "No, I'm not okay. I'm terribly damaged and heartbroken, lonely and lost, and generally feeling like shit." But I don't. Instead, I lie to them. I fake a smile, I fake a laugh, and maybe one day I will end up convincing myself that I am okay. Maybe. But I'm really tired of people acting like they know me and the way I feel. 

What it's like for me every day? It's nothing, it's emptiness, and when I do feel something, it's this overpowering feeling of sadness and worthlessness. The pain is unbearable. I don't want to move or do anything because all I want to do is just disappear. But people tell me it gets better, I've heard that for years and it hasn't. They tell me to stay strong though they don't even see how long I have fought because they don't really care. So what am I supposed to do? 

There are just those nights where I stare at my ceiling, unable to fathom sleep, then ask myself an infinite number of questions, then sit there and debate on whether or not if I actually want to know the answers. During the day, I could sometimes ignore it, sometimes shove it aside; distract myself with other things. But when the lights were out at night when I was alone, the thoughts came and I couldn't stop them. 

The feeling where I wonder who truly cares about me and who is just using me, who is there for me and who is so desperately waiting for me to fail. The feeling where I just feel like I am not good enough, that I need to be this and that. I crave for the attention I know I can't have. What attention you might be wondering, the need for understanding. The feeling where I get so frustrated because whenever I'm optimistic in trying again, everything just falls apart again. I want someone to vent to but no one will understand me. The feeling where I question and over think so much all night, that I'm left with myself in a very dark place.

After that, I don't know. I guess I was pretty messed up. Mentally and spiritually, it's like I went down a deep dark hole for a long time. I have given up trying to climb out of the pit. I ate more than usual at times, and certain times I don't feel like eating. I slept more than usual and there were just times when I couldn't stop crying. 

People who don't feel suicidal don't understand it at all. Every day, it's a struggle to live. Times I cry myself to sleep and always think that people would be better off without me. I see people every day and I just put on a fake smile so that they don't ask me what's wrong, because I really have no way of explaining the way I feel. I feel so completely alone all the time like no one would ever love me or want to be with me. Even when someone compliments me, I can't accept it, because I think they are lying or just trying to make me feel better. Every day, I feel worthless, ugly and unwanted, and that's how it is every single day of my life. 

If I die one day, people will know everything that I've been hiding. They will see my pains and hurts that I've been hiding in my blog. They will then finally see how screwed up I was and there will be absolutely nothing they can do about it because no one gives a crap about me unless I am handsome, inspirational, popular or dead. 

If only my eyes could show my soul, everyone would cry as they see me smile...