I tend to pretend I'm okay when people are around me so they don't see I'm not okay. People have their own lives to worry about so why bother them with my own? They also won't understand what I am going through because I don't even understand it myself sometimes and all I know is that I have been going through these for years. Feeling like even if I am with friends all day and laughing with them, as soon as I get home, my day gets sad like everything went wrong when I know my day was okay, but I'm just sad. I get sad for no reason at times. I wonder if anyone notices how sad I am with all the smiles I'm covering up with, but I'm sad everyday, but some days, I haven't had the energy to hide it. Whenever I try to recover, things just end up getting worse, that's where I thought, why try when it's going to keep crashing all over again. It's been a long time people asked me how I was, but I lied to them saying I'm fine because I don't want them to know how much it hurts me and to hurt them. Some people say I looked older/mature than the people around my age, well, I guess I've gone through a lot of shit in my life. However, I'm not like anyone else who can tell myself that things will get better tomorrow, I'm not that positive anymore. I can't explain it. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live, either. I hate it when people said they care about me but just can't be bothered to read about my blog to know what's happening in my life. They just wanted it easy, to talk to me personally and hopefully give me a one time cure it all solution but how can I regurgitate out everything at one go to let you know all the shit I've been through!? Some people ask me if anything is wrong but I find that none of them really want to know actually.
I think everything would be okay if I didn't wake up in the morning. Maybe the world would have been a better place if I wasn't even born. I honestly feel that when people say they love me, they are just lying. I know I over-think and I’m insecure, but i can usually tell when people are lying. I also feel like no one would really miss me. Hell, people go days without talking to me, and I probably don’t even cross their mind, I mean why would they? I’m not important.
There’s just something in my heart that keeps telling me that I’m unworthy to be loved. Like I don’t deserve it. Like it will never happen to me. I feel like no one will ever go out of their way to make sure that I’m okay. No one tells me that they appreciate me. As selfish as this sounds, I like to get compliments every once and awhile. I like when a person tells me why they love me. I may not believe that really love me, but reasons to why they do actually make me think that they might be telling the truth. Maybe it sounds stupid.
All I know is that life is really breaking me. I don’t really trust anyone anymore. I know I love people a lot more than they love me. I get let down a lot. No one really wants to hang out with me. I feel like people avoid me; avoid my problems.
I know I've changed. Pain does that to people, but I never thought it’d get this bad. To the point where I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like no one can relate. I feel like no one cares. No one loves me. Why would they? Sometimes I just think that people can never see the beauty in me.
Getting up every day and going through this again and again is hard. The worst part about it all, is that I have to go back to school, do my projects and portfolio and to live up to my facilitators' expectations, in which I have no interest in doing all these anymore because my life is as broken as it can gets, and I have to pretend that everything's fine. But somehow...I like my depression in a weird way, it's like I'm addicted to it.
People asked me to turn to God. If only they know how much sins that I have committed and done and still doing that has caused the barrier between God and me. Trust me, it hurts so badly, and no one knows how desperate I am in wanting my spiritual life to be better. I just don't really know what to do anymore.
The sad moment when I realise how alone I actually am. No one ever messages me on Facebook or text me or anything. So it gets to the point where I don't want to put in the effort with people who don't put in any effort for me, so I end up spending my life at home, never going anywhere. I hate getting too close to people because when I thought they would be there for me, they eventually leave.
.PNG)
Some days, I feel a thousand different emotions all at once. Other days, I am nothing but numb. I am tired, tired of this roller coaster masquerade as my life. I want to kill myself. I think about it often. I've tried, years ago and the thoughts went away sort of, but they are back, and the urge is stronger than ever. It's really weird you know, I kind of want people to worry about me, but when they do, I just push them away. I guess I don't want to talk about my problems but actually I do. But I'm afraid of their reaction. I'm afraid that they will never see me as normal again. I'm afraid of the pity in their eyes when they realise how screwed up I am. So, I keep a lot of shit to myself because in reality, nobody really gives a shit.
There are just days where I lay in my bed and just cry, because I think I am ugly and worthless, because I'm not good enough for anyone. I've counted all my flaws, making myself feel worse. I cried because of the people in my life just disappeared, cried because I can never understand where my life is going, cried because my family is dysfunctional, broken and no one understands. People tell me to stop complaining, that I have it so much better than kids in Africa, even though they don't understand my life either. I don't want to feel like an attention seeker, so I bottled everything up. Around my friends and my dad, and I created this lying smile and people believe it. But then at certain nights, when I am all alone in bed, the guy who everyone thought was always so happy, is crying his broken heart out. I'm always afraid people would compare me to everyone, because I know I can't compete.
I still miss my mother as much as ever. Everyday I just thought of her, whenever I open my door to my house, how she used to sit at the sofa in the living room, watching television, she isn't there anymore, and how much I miss her every single time, and how painful it must be for dad all these while. Because I know how much I'm willing to sacrifice for my loved ones, even it means dying to bring my mother back and God knows how much tears I have shed for my mom. If you have ever lost anyone important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
Dad...if I die one day, please forgive me. I don't mean to hurt you in this way. Thank you for all these while, all these years you have been so good and loving towards me. I can't even do anything good for you. I love you so much, I really do. I can't bear to leave you and I can't bear for you to leave me. Dad, I'm scared...I really am. I'm scared of losing you too one day. But I beg of you to not hate yourself if I die one day, because you're my best dad I can ever have.
All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.
Wow, I never knew I had someone to relate to. :(
ReplyDeleteyeah, me too. and I really don't know why i'm feeling so proud of me being able to relate to being such a terrible disappointment like op
DeleteAll I can say this whole thing is me. I feel like a disappointment. I put my feelings aside and concentrate on others. I stay in relationships longer than I should cause I don't want anyone to hate me. People say I am a great person. But deep in my depths I don't feel it.
DeleteNo matter what I do I always let my parents down. I used to be the straight a golden girl and now I'm failing all my classes. They don't understand that things just stopped making sense and no matter what I do to try to explain it to them I just get in trouble. I really don't even feel like trying anymore. I just want everything to stop.
DeleteI get it though... from a deeper standpoint than general relation to another grieving soul. I myself have helped people like fully rehabilitated them and they fade off almost like I never existed, but the Thing that actually grasped me from reading this,our only problem, ( our as in those who feel helpless) is that we are so worried about hurting or driving people away with our feelings we are scared of the reaction. I have a girlfriend that honest to God is probably one of the best people in the world today and because of my own insecurities I can't treat her the way she deserves. I'm not abusive don't get me wrong, but my emotions always seem to crash at the worst times and that's just because of the things I have pent up. Truthfully, though I will say this, people are a distraction from yourself they don't make you happy they dont make you who you are, You can help 1000 people but if at the end of the day if of your thoughts are dragging you down you need to embrace whats driving those thoughts like fully look back and realize when the change started. Then if possible if the situation has changed then accept it and move on. It's not easy, but only because humans are habitual so if your usually upset your body is used to that feeling but if you let it go like truly let it go you will feel that weight lift I know and I've only let some go it's a process but not impossible I wish all of you not luck not hope but clarity and through clarity... happiness
DeleteI second that, some people are going through real stuff and need someone to relate too! This person has literally put my life into words, in which i have failed todo for years. Im glad i came across this because at least i know im not alone. So to all the trolls in this post I give you'all a big "FUCK YOU BRO" and leave us ALONE and get a LIFE!
Deletefag
DeleteIt's amazing to see someone that I can talk to, but honestly, you do deserve to live. Maybe I don't know you, maybe I'm not the I love you you were looking for, but I do love you. These people on here who keep saying mean things can go fuck themselves, because clearly they feel just as bad and are afraid to admit it, so they seek validation in others torment. I'm sorry this happened to you, all of it.
Deletesame this is so relatable
DeleteFinially someone i can relate to, almost about everything.
ReplyDeleteI fee exactly the same way you do. I read the pain in your story. OMG I could have written this myself.
ReplyDeleteAre you still there? If so, please write back. I am here, still and willing to talk.
TMW
Hey Becca, thanks for reading. I'm here also if you need to talk. =)
DeleteThis people sound just like me........ D:
DeleteIt hurts like hell and I have people to talk to that have and are going through like I dont have anybody to talk to like my family hates me and my friends just judge me so much and it hurts even more1
DeleteI agree wholeheartedly. I know I have never been able to verbalize my emotions, but this describes them perfectly.
ReplyDeleteThank You.
I feel you! Seems like no one try to understand and nobody cares bout you ��
ReplyDeleteLife is really unfair!
Never knew I actually have someone to relate to. This post is freaking accurate. I bawled my eyes out after reading this, realizing that your words reflect my feelings and my entire life.
ReplyDeleteFinally, someone to relate to (bear in mind my ADHD give me a difficulty in doing so). For a while, now I myself have been suffering with a mild case of depression, and here are all my reasons:
ReplyDeleteFirstly I feel like a complete disappointment to my ow family because they either tease me or harass me about anything (e.g. my hair, my skin, my style, my interests, my hair, heck! Even how I smell) and not once did I ever hear them say AND mean that they were proud of me (especially my mum, who bullies me whenever I bake, the only hobby I actually feel proud of)
I also feel depressed because of school reasons to: I get bullied just because I stand out from the crowd, I get rejected, I have too much anxiety to ask for help with my poor grades, not to mention that I feel part of the trouble when the whole class gets yelled at for something one person did. I had also lost a lot of trust in people because f this.
At first, I thought that I was alone, but you know what, your story has helped me a lot. It let me know that I am not the only one with depression. Oh and just one thing, sorry if you've heard this like 1,000,000 already, but quit the bullshit about no-one loving you, because you know what, I now love you and thank you so much for helping me :')
That's the nicest thing I've heard for a long time haha I'm glad it helps you dear.
DeleteIts funny reading this and feeling myself sewn into every word. Its almost like no matter how hard I (or anyone) try, nothing really helps. The pain is still there. The depression is still there. And the only thing that isn't, is the will and strength to keep going. What a fantastic world we live in.
ReplyDeleteSad but true; you just summed up my whole life and I am going on 50! My father just told me ‘he couldn’t describe how disappointed he is in me’. I also put on the ‘happy face’ and make sure everyone else is okay…but I just want to die. Nothing is right in my life; I wasn’t able to even have kids so my father could enjoy them. My mother also died when I was young…but she was a model, my brother and father are very active in running and achieve and excel every goal they set. Where the hell did I come from? Why am I here….
ReplyDeleteThank you for this, I feel all of this deeply, you're not alone,I hope we can feel good again someday.
ReplyDeletei can relate to all of this. all of it.
ReplyDeleteSo many people here can relate to this, including myself. Doesn't this say something about the society we live in? I don't know how long I can continue like this. Hope ya'll doing good.
ReplyDeleteI'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost 30 ,a few months away,i told myself years ago that i don't want to be alone and depressed if i ever reach this shitty age.Like you ,i have friends but i greet them with the same fake smile,they are already set in their lives and i don't want to bother them with my negative shit.I lost hope that i would ever meet someone ,but life had other plans and threw me a bone.We met right before christmas and celebrated new year together,we instantly fell in love,but my lack of motivation,paired up with depression took it's toll and it was over a few months later.I have flaws and fears just like everyone else and no matter how much i try ,i can't get past them...so yes,i find myself in your words...i feel the end is near
ReplyDeleteI used to have friends and my parents loved me now my friends don't want to hang out with me anymore they are not the same people l get bullied at school l don't get good grades anymore my future is decided by my parents a lot of people hate me and think l'm stupid it really hurts l'm left alone all the time
ReplyDeleteI know theres a lot of people saying this, but I feel the exact way. For everyone in my life I just feel like a disappointment, and that the only way I’ll get better is to fill me up with meds that are supposed to just get rid of the feelings I have, so that way I’m the end they don’t have to hear anything I have to say. I literally see my grandmother for the first time, and mention one little thing about how I haven’t been feeling well lately( I have cyclical vomiting syndrome) but that I was proud of myself for the fact that I felt like I was getting stronger, and instantly she starts yelling at me in a public place how I only talk about the bad stuff in my life, and how I just look for pity, and want people to feel bad about me, when the whole time I was honestly only trying to tell her something I was genuinely proud of myself for. And because I care way to much about what people think about me, she only made me cry. But I tried my hardest to stay put together, and she just decided to makes fun of me for the fact that I was crying, and for the way I was trying to stop. And now she doesn’t even want anything to do with me. To the point where she has been trying everything in her power not to see me when I already don’t see her as it is. And I live 15 minutes away from her.
ReplyDeleteEveryone instantly yells at me anytime I seem like I have tears, even though I’ve been this way since I was a kid. I’ve always hated how much I care for everyone and about everyone. My own bio dad left me and my mother, I had to find him, and when I do he ends up getting another random chick pregnant and expects me to be ok with the fact it took him 6 months to tell me he was having a girl, and the fact that he just told me over text by sending me a picture of the sanogram. And then some people don’t even understand why I’m upset.
I’m just getting to the point where I see that the people who I do talk to (not ever about what’s bothering me and if I do, it always ends up with them trying to control my life rather than just be there for me the way I am for literally EVERYONE else) only talk to me because I’m family and they feel Im more of a responsibility rather than they truly care about me. And what sucks is I see them give the love and relationship I’ve been asking for years to other family members, and one family member who has been so awful they held a gun to their siblings head, is literally fine and a saint and gets the whole relationship that I literally ask for when all they seem to care about is money or gifts. I just want a relationship with my family and that’s too much to ask.
I’m just that much of a piece of shit my own family hates putting up with me. And any friend I’ve had in the past has stopped being my friend because I’m too much, so any friend who I even get somewhat close to now, I just push away because I cannot handle losing one more person in my life. My chest literally hurts when ever I think about why I’m here or what I do for this world, because honestly, I don’t see one god damn good thing I do for anyone. I only make it worse by being here. And I’m at that point where like you said, I don’t want to die, but I really really don’t see myself making it much longer in this life. I just don’t know what to do because I’m running out of ideas and ways to make me stronger. I feel like the light I had that glowed so bright once, is almost burnt out and won’t be replaceable. Im sorry to rant and make a big fuss. I’m just really starting to completely give up and i just don’t know what to do anymore.
How do I make myself better?
ReplyDeleteI don’t know if I could ever relate to you but all I can say is that I can relate on some levels. I feel like a disappointment to my family because my sister is so successful but I’m not but I honestly never want to be like her because on the outside she seems like a nice person but whenever she is alone with me I feel like I’m trapped in a cage. Even though I know no one will ever read this, it’s nice to get my feelings out.
ReplyDeleteI am reading it and I hope you will live your dreams one day and hopefully people see you as who YOU are and not compare you to your sister because that is just not who you are! <3
DeleteReading this felt like I was saying my own story to the world. I cannot explain in words how much I have cried reading this because it felt so relative and so close to me.
ReplyDeleteI hope you will find happiness soon even though it might be difficult. I don't know you but I just want to say that your words are so touchy that its beautiful and I am so grateful that I had the chance to read your story tonight because it felt like I was telling my untold story to the world.
Thank you so much! Much love
No matter what I do I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm drowning and no matter what I do and how hard I try, I'm going under, only a few breaths left. No where to go but down, I'm glad the pain is almost over. No one to disappoint, no more depression, no more anxiety, no more pills, no more cuts that help me feel in control, no more abuse, no more I'm fines when I'm not, no more looks from the people who pity me, are disappointed in me, or want to hurt me. I won't have to act like I'm happy when I'm screaming for help, for someone to save me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you don't understand this pain if you're trying to help someone you love, but I'm also glad you don't feel this pain. I'm self destructing, I'm a disappointment, I'm in pain and I just want it to stop, I want the black nothingness, I feel to much but I'm also too numb. I'm sorry to everyone, to the people who have had me in their lives, to the people who are and have gone through this, if you understand this pain, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this
ReplyDeletei can totally relate to this because i'm such a disappointment to my mom and everyone else in my life
ReplyDeleteI feel like im the one who wrote this. Im crying. ��������
ReplyDeleteI feel the same, I've never had a friend in my entire life up until a few years ago which was when I was 13years old, but now I'm all alone, I only have one real friend, which lives far away from me, everytime I go to school I feel like a drag If I let people know my true feelings, I agree with this article I also put on a fake smile. I have scuicidal thoughts every day, the sad part is in on the verge of death. I have a girlfriend, and she says if I kill myself or leave her she would do the same, so I can't do anything, she has her whole life to live that s not fair. When she breaks up with me which will most likely happen soon, because I'm ugly, selfish, disappointing, inconsiderate, and just flat out a disgrace to the human race. But I want to live I don't know how, everyday the razor blade slowly is getting closer to my wrist, if someone could help me I would probably feel alot different. But sadly no one cares about someone such as me. For example my best friend the other day said "were not friends anymore don't talk to me" I don't know why he said that but I feel like a failure, can't even keep a friendship so why should I even bother living?
ReplyDeletePLEASE help me
Cheese biscuits
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this ! This literally describes how I feel since two years ! I lost my mom too 2 years ago after a long illness ! I’ve never had a friend in my entire life ! It’s really hard to be alone, unhappy and pathetic. My father and my sister always tell me that I’m pathetic. My sister once told me that I’m loser because I got no friends and I must’ve been jealous of her because I don’t have friends but she has and they love her so much. I’m 25 and graduate but still unemployed. I cry everyday in my bed before I sleep. Nobody knows nobody cares nobody would ask except my mother who I lost 2 years ago. I wish Mothers never get ill and never die.
ReplyDeleteLife is a gift and a curse for everyone. Ups and downs always happen, but at the end of the day we live in the middle. For people like us, it's hard to get out of the lows and back to the middle, but you will always find your way back. Never give up, never give in, never back down. You can do anything. Your life brings this world its meaning. 1 person may not be in the spotlight but someone is always needed to point the spotlight. Whichever one you are, the pointer or the spotted, you are crucial to the show that is our world! Much love!
ReplyDelete