I thanked my friends who genuinely care for me, and make every effort to make me feel like I'm wanted in a way, really I do. But I'm just scared of them leaving. One day, they will just get tired of all my talking and rantings, they will stop talking to me, no messages, no calls; days, weeks and then months go by, soon years go by and slowly, being erased from their lives. I hate that feeling. But I guess that's normal, I'm that someone who easily gets replaced by others.
Right now, I honestly don't know what I want. It gets so hard on so many days, where I don't even want to keep on living. Yet I'm afraid of dying and ending up in hell. It's such torture, to wake up every single day, and I'm not exasperating it, to wake up feeling physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained. It's real torture.
I've had so many dark secrets hidden beneath me, and I want to be as vulnerable as ever to others to let them know the real me, yet I'm afraid when I do, they don't understand and I'm afraid they will shun me after what I've told them. I'm scared.
Every single day, I hate living. It's just so worthless. I'm young but I'm treated and forced to face things like an adult. But some days are worse than others. Sometimes, it's so hard to stop me from hurting myself. I'm broken and severely damaged. People told me to 'be myself' and not to worry, but people just don't want to be around damaged people. That's how life is like, they just don't. So stop telling me to be myself if you can't handle all of it. Don't lead me on because it's breaking me.
When I feel so alone, thinking no one else wants me. I just think that I'm a complete failure and that I disappoint everyone else. I'm terrified of the person I'm closest to because I'm afraid of them getting tired of my sadness, my tears, and my anger. I'm afraid they are just going to leave. I have so much to live for, yet I still feel like dying every night. I really wish my friends that I used to freely hang out with would tell me why they stopped hanging out with me as much as they used to. They were my best friends, but they just started to disappear from my life. This always happens to me, and I just want to know if something is wrong with me. Everybody walks away, and it hurts a lot. I don't think my friends realise how much it hurts when they ignore me.
I'm already about to crumble. But yes, I do thank God for well-meaning friends who care for me, even though when nobody has cared for so long, it's so hard to accept it when someone finally does. But I'm afraid they will leave me one day like how my close friends used to, not momentarily, but they will just one day stop talking to me and never be in touch with me for weeks, months and then years. I'm scared of that already.
Yes, I know I am a guy and yes I get upset and depressed. Yes, sometimes I hurt myself. Yes, I contemplate suicide. People told me as a guy, I should be stronger than this because girls only do self-harm. But they don't know what it's like. Now, I'm cautious in opening up myself to others about my problems. When I start to open up, I feel like I'm just annoying them and slowly they want to have nothing to do with me. I'm tired of people not hearing my words. Most days, I feel like it would have been easier if I just don't exist anymore.
I'm the friend who always gets replaced after a while. Maybe I should stop getting so attached to everyone. Maybe then they wouldn't get rid of me. Or maybe I'm just an awful person, to begin with. Sometimes I wonder why anyone would want to be friends with me. Because if given the choice, I wouldn't want to be. I feel like I'm wearing a mask just to make them all happy.
Why is it that I'm trying my best to be there for people whenever they need me, but when I need someone, no one is to be found. I just gave up on trying so hard to work on my friendship for people because people just can't be bothered anyway. I really wish they knew, that I am trying but all they do is making me feel like if I am not good enough.
People tell me all these thoughts, the negativity of it, it's just because it's "all in my head" but it doesn't make it any less real. Sometimes, I just sit there and cry wondering why I even bother trying. When I've been sad for so long that when something bad happens, I don't cry but I just sit there and feel numb. I'm sick and tired of laying in bed at night and asking myself questions that I know I can't answer.
I feel like I just can't hide it anymore. To come clean with it, I struggle with 'gay thoughts and tendencies' and my inclinations of feelings and attraction towards guys are higher than girls.
Being gay and a Christian is difficult and painful. It seems to be portrayed as if it's two opposing sides of a never-ending war. It tears me apart every single time. I grew up in an ordinary family and there was hardly anything wrong with my childhood. My parents were present and there wasn't really anything wrong with my childhood. I absolutely had no gay figure in my childhood to influence me, yet somehow I turned out gay.
I noticed my sexual
preference for boys started when I was in primary 3, at a surprisingly young
age. I remember so many times praying for God to take such inclinations away
from me when I became a Christian during Secondary 4; to take this “gayness” away from me. I am 21 now and have never stopped
praying for that. But as I time passes by, I wonder if I could ever be free
from it. I remember praying so hard, so earnestly in that childlike faith. But yet I still like guys.
Most
of the times in Church, I could ask for anything but I only ask for God to save
my parents, and take away this gayness away from me and that I will ever be
close to God. I would sit alone in my bed on so many nights and at times cry to myself and to think about the kind of life I have ahead of me, begging not to be sent to
hell. I felt so filthy, so debauched, simply because I had those feelings. After
I went to secondary school, my inclination towards gayness arouse to a higher
level, I would go to gay porn and never once until now had I watched straight porn. I just can’t. I felt disgusted and turn off. I was so lost, so
afraid, so confused, and so alone. I felt so different from the rest of my peers in school and Church.
I had tried so hard to
change, if I could have, I would have. I know in Church, so many people understandably
still hold on to their Christian beliefs against homosexuality. There’s nothing
wrong but unfortunately, I fear rejection from the one place I needed
acceptance most. I struggled to let people know about this ‘gayness’ I’m
struggling with for so many years, yet I’m afraid they will never understand.
They think it’s just like some other sins, where you can instantly snap your
fingers and that sin of my, inclination towards guys will be gone.
And I tried to change; of course, I did, I really tried very hard. I don't know if it's a matter of fact of using my own strength most of the time, but I prayed so hard to God to just take it away. And this is something which really irks me. I often
hear Christians flippantly say that gays can change their sexuality and that
it is just a matter of choice. I do not claim to know for sure whether people
are born gay and whether they can change. What I know for sure is that for as
far as I can remember, I have tried as hard as I can to not be gay.
I think it's stupid to say people would choose to be gay and even so, how does one become one out of a sudden? Gays are ridiculed, hated, threatened, bullied, condemned, out-casted and rejected by so many social groups and circles, especially even more painful by their close friends and family of their loved ones. I had to suppress everything within me and having to learn to be ashamed of how I am naturally declined than others. I have spent so many countless nights, unable to sleep and to think of whether if I will ever be straight one day to have a girlfriend, yet comes along with the thought of a lonesome life I will live ahead of me, predestined to be alone, and having to stare at straight couples, envy their freedom to love and to be devastated at the realisation that I will never enjoy the blessing of simply being "normal", to have a "normal" family and to eventually have grandchildren of my own in my old age.
I always wanted to be normal. I tried my very best to be normal according to the standards of this world and even reading the Bible and praying to God to just take it away but I just can't. Heck, why can't people just understand that?
And how much worse
being gay and Christian, to know that I will never be able
to love someone without being plagued by a deep sense of guilt for my entire
life, knowing that the only reciprocal love I am capable of is one that God
disapproves of. There is absolutely nothing to gain from
choosing to be gay. Perhaps there might be a way to change, I do not know. But what I do know is
that I have tried all my life, and if it is that difficult to change, then
there certainly is something to be said about that sort of “choice”.
I have no issue with
Christians maintaining a doctrine condemning homosexuality. The Bible seems to
propose that. What I have a problem with is ignorance, both with regards to
homosexuality and with theology.
So many Christians display an astonishing lack of understanding concerning
homosexuality, even while condemning it passionately. As described earlier,
the fact that so many Christians flippantly insist that being gay is a mere
choice angers me. It trivializes this massive wrestle I have had all my life
with this thorn in the flesh, and not just mine, but I'm sure of the many struggles of millions
of other homosexuals who have tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried
to change.
Often, I choose not to speak about my sexuality precisely because of this conscientious ignorance in the Church. Gay to me, is one of the biggest struggles in my life, but I would rather not talk about it because of such an appalling lack of understanding towards homosexuality, and worse still, a lack of interest from them to actually understand.
I hate it when "religious" Christians I have met insist that homosexual temptations are sin like the rest of it. I only wish they would understand what they are saying before speaking with such certainty about things they know so little about. The fact is that Christians who know so little yet comments so much about it, puts even Christian homosexuals like me off, much more on those who are homosexuals and are not Christians, which they will have an aversion towards Christianity.
If you have a solution, tell me because I want to know. But if all that you have to say is "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" or "Love is between a man and woman", then you are not really helping. Every time you say such words of ignorance and insensitivity, it really affects a homosexual Christian because there is such an appalling lack of understanding from Christians who thinks they know better about it, where at first they don't know the struggles most homosexuals had to face.
And how I read the Bible to know that God hates homosexual acts and to remind myself that I'm facing homosexual thoughts and inclinations towards guys every day, and even Jesus said that if anyone who lusts at somebody it's already a sin committed. It's really guilty torture to me every day. It's to feel and to know that God hates me. No wonder I don't have my prayers answered, my life is a screwed up as ever, and I'm broken as ever. Maybe God just couldn't see any good in me. Maybe God made my mom died because He knows that I am gay. I can't come up to God and say I'm sorry. I've cried so many times to beg God to take it away but here I am, still as ever to have that tendency of gayness within me.
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Whenever I come to church, I see people who have that freedom to just worship God freely and talk about His marvellous love, I can't. There's such heavy guilt and burden within me. If only they knew that I struggle with gayness, and how much the pain it is for me to come to Church to just hope and wanting to be able to be free from it. They don't have to deal with it. But I have to act like everything is fine and I make people smile.
I guess nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I've sat in my room and cried, how many times I've lost hope, how many times I've been let down. Nobody knows how many times I've had to hold back the tears, how many times I've felt like I'm about to snap but don't just for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that have gone through my head whenever I'm sad, and how horrible they really are. I'm at the point where I can't even cry anymore. I want to, but I'm so hurt, lonely and broken. No matter how sad I am, I can't shed one single tear. I have become so empty inside that no amount of anger or sadness can make me cry anymore.
Every time I start to make progress, I fall back into that depressing stage. It's so hard not to fall apart. I wish that for once I could be happy for more than a day. I just don't feel like trying anymore. There's no point. Why should I hold on just to get hurt even more? It's a terrible feeling, wanting to die. And I can't deny that I still think about it sometimes.
It hurts me to look at little kids. They have no idea how hard this world is going to be for them. When I was young like their age, I thought no one could hurt me. I thought I was invincible. I thought I was handsome, smart and I will have friends with whoever said hi to me. Everyone was nice. I'd go to sleep tear free and I never had thoughts of trying to run away. I was actually smiling. I didn't want to kill myself. Little kids don't know what a roller coaster they are in for. Life is hard and painful. The world is a horrible, mean and judgmental place. I still don't understand why I wasn't so scared of all the dangers that are out in the world, at that age. I didn't know. It's not my fault that I'm so scared of the world now. People forced me to be someone that I don't really want. I wish I was still carefree, happy, nice and being the funny little kid I used to be. I miss not caring about what other people say. I miss the old me. I was really sad about it for a while. The worst kind of sad too, the kind where you know, deep down, that there's nothing you can do even though you wish you could.
I kind of realised that when I've been sad for so long, that eventually, everyone stops caring, and lets me sink more and more into the darkness. Maybe that's the reason why my close friends stopped hanging out with me.
It's funny how I can go all day telling people to be happy when I, myself am depressed, how I can tell a person it'll get better when I feel like all hope is lost. It's funny how I can say that they are good looking when I look at the mirror and hate what I see. It's funny how I never really can believe my own words but when I say them to another person, I really do genuinely hope for the best for them and want everyone else to be happy. I can never really fix my own sadness. It's funny isn't it, how I use very little effort I have to make others happy so they don't feel as awful as I did...
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