Debilitating Hurt

When I realise how I hate myself so much, that I cannot stand who I am, my brain can't quite deal with it. I hated the way I looked. I felt terrible about myself. Why is my blog so depressing? Because everyday, I get up and pretend that I'm okay and that nothing is wrong. I tried to be better but most of the times I ended up in defeats. I do this so I don't "seek attention". So that no one knows how I really feel. I'm too scared to say it. So I hide behind a smile. It's my mask, my facade. My blog is my feelings. 

I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future I have now is full of promises. I awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, to be happy. And during the course of each day, my heart would descend from my chest into my stomach. By early afternoon, I was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right for me, and having the desire to be alone yet wanting to have somebody there. By evening, it has been fulfilled, where I was alone in the magnitude of my grief, alone in this aimless guilt, and alone even in my loneliness. I am not sad, I told myself over and over again, but it doesn't changed the fact that I was overwhelmed with emotions.

Sometimes, I just lay there on my bed or just sit in-front of my computer, and all these past memories rush into my head. There is nothing I can do about it. So I just lay or sit there, with tears in my eyes, silently crying. I don't want people to see me like this. I don't want people to see how vulnerable I am, yet somehow I wanted people to know. But then, people tend to take advantage of my insecurities and weaknesses. These past memories won't ever disappear and I have accepted that. I have accepted my past, but does that mean that I will hurt less? No. It still hurts and it will always hurt. 

I somehow have come to understand why my hurt is stronger and debilitating. As a "Christian", which if I really am, I view my mom's death in a "heaven and hell" perspective. And coming from a non-Christian family background, my burden is heavier, my pain is more hurtful, and my problems are more overwhelming. 

My friends in church, most of them are from Christian families, and they won't have to feel the burden I have in wanting for my family to be saved. They don't have the problem of what it is like to be rejected by their parents for not believing in Christ. And it is just that heavy to carry the burden of it when none of them has to go through the immense weight on their shoulders, that I had to go through. 

The sad thing is that, people say the most important thing in life is family, and to know that my friends' parents are going to heaven with them, and possibly mine not, is an overwhelming grief moment to know. To put it in such a blunt way, as long as their parents are going to heaven, they just can't be bothered about other peoples' hurts, because they don't need to, especially when it comes to the death of a person. They don't have to carry the burden of what it is like to be rejected by their parents or to lose someone for eternity. And that's why, people at my age can't understand the complexity of view that I had, the view of the burden and grief of wanting my parents and loved ones to be saved.