Obscure Sorrow

I've thought about it...thought about it long enough to decide, that maybe it's time for me to truly go. If you knew, if you only knew. People sometimes say that if you're not happy with the one you are with, you know you just have to leave. But if I'm not happy with myself, why can't I leave? Or you know when you tried so hard and put in your best but nothing works out and sometimes the best option is just to give up rather than wasting resources and time? That goes the same for life.

They said suicide is wrong. It's a cowardly act. But under what condition is suicide right...? I mean do you necessarily need to have something tangible for a person to touch and see in order for him to actually want to kill himself? Sometimes the pain inside your heart is so surreal and intangible by the naked eye, yet it's so strong enough to drive one suicidal. It's not loneliness that makes being alone unbearable. It's accepting the fact that of the 7 billion people in the world, not a single soul fought hard enough to be with me, or even want me. 

What's stopping me from ending it all? It's my dad who loves me too much, too damn much that I can't let go. It's hurting me that badly. I helped too much, I hoped too much. I cared too much, I loved too much. It's killing me so much that no matter how genuinely I care and concern about others, no one will love me just because of the way I am and of course the way I look. 

Truth to be told, I'm tired of giving in too much to people, endlessly tired of doing things too much for people, without ever being thought of as a friend to them. I'm tired of confessing my interest and love for others and easily being shrugged off by them and never to be contacted again. I'm tired of feeling like a pathetic loser. It hurts. It really does.

When I realised I was homosexual, and my liking for guys, my whole world fell apart. I did everything I could to cure this "sickness" that society labelled it. Years and years, I struggled and wrestled with it, even until now. My dad rejected this vile and evil act but he does not understand what it's like to be one. I know now how much I would be willing to die because no one truly loves me, especially even in the community I'm in.

Nothing hurts more knowing that I'm ugly and there's nothing I can do. Life is harder and more painful to live on when you're ugly. Ugly people have no place in society and that's the truth. No one will love me for who I am. They will only love me for how I look. Am I truly that ugly to be associated as a friend...? 

People talk to me, but they're not interested to talk to me. I tried so hard but no one knows how hard I tried. It makes it so painful and yet so...numb...People only need me when they want me. Just because I'm ugly doesn't mean I have no feelings. Sometimes I feel like I'm not given a chance to prove my worth.

I'm the guy who is always there for people when they need a friend. I'm also the guy who faces many issues alone but will still do anything to make sure that another person is doing alright. If you have anyone who cares for you, please don't ignore the effort of that person who tries to keep you in touch. It's not all the time someone cares.

Nowadays, the meaning of love has lost its definition and meaning. It has become more of, "If I don't have that feeling for that person anymore, I think he's not the right person for me." Instead of, "Hmm...is there any more ways I can show my love towards him through my actions, despite knowing I'm still trying to love him even though I don't have those fervent feelings for him."

Love itself fluctuates, your love for that person may last probably a week or two or even more, but what's beautiful behind that love it's called commitment. That's why you see our parents' generation couples or even our elderly generation couples, they have been together for almost 30, 40, 50 years to say. Do you think every day they wake up, they love each other very much? Not really, but it's because they know that love it's about committing to their other person, not so much upon feelings. it's about working it out when you don't "feel" that love anymore.

Why? Because love itself is a commitment, you will, of course, several times not feel the love every day when you wake up to find yourself trying hard to love that person. Yes, feelings do matter, but it doesn't really work out in a long run, feelings change, seasons change, mood comes and our temperaments affects us in how we deal our love relationship to the other half. But always remember it's about commitment, just like a marriage vow, despite sickness or death, rich or poor, etc etc. It's about this sacred commitment vow that couples abide by knowing that feelings change, but they try hard each day to prove their love for each other through actions. Remember Love actions > feelings.

I'm absolutely fucking tired of people not able to understand me. I'm sick of people thinking I'm always the guy who always want to have sex just because I initiate a conversation with them when I seriously want to be interested in the person I'm chatting with. I'm trying too hard to let people know that I want a close friend, a friend that won't leave after certain meetups, a friend that I would like to know and be interested in. I wake up each day, with this heavyweight; to able to feel like there's not a single person in the world who would love me at all.

I'm Goddamn trying so hard to find a date, a boyfriend. I really really am. I think that I deserve someone real who actually do care about me because I've spent my entire life making other people happy when all they did was leave. The worst way to miss someone so much is when they are right beside me and I know I can never have them. Nothing hurts more knowing that you were everything to me and realised I was nothing to you.

When I think of all the years that are lying ahead of me I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Sometimes I think that I would like to wake up when things are better. But even then, I can't imagine being happy or content. I can't imagine that life might be worth living. Not even if I was someone else.

I'm just tired of life. I don't see the point in dying but neither can I see the point in being alive. So I'm just hanging on. Aimless, planless, clueless. Drifting from one day into the next. How do other people live? How do other people stay motivated? Are they blind to the futility of life? Do they not care about the emptiness and the meaninglessness? Or do they know something I don't? Am I the blind one?

I don't know anything else. Everything else hurts. My head hurts. My mind is tired but there is no escape from this. I can't escape my thoughts, or whatever masquerades as thoughts.

I'm so tired but I don't want to go to sleep because if I do when I wake up it will be tomorrow. I don't want to start another day. I dread tomorrow. I dread the future, I can't deal with the past and the present doesn't exist. It's just a concept, a fleeting, transient idea that passes too quickly to grasp. Anyway, not that it matters.

I don't know why I don't have the courage to be myself when I'm with people. I smile the brightest, being the noisiest, and the most energetic when I'm socialising. But deep down, I feel like I could break down and cry at any time. I feel so weak and so useless. I can feel my heart crying inside, slowly admitting to myself, that's it, it's nearing to my death.

I've never felt so tired before, so tired of living. Nothing interests me anymore. People asked me why do I have to work now when I could continue studying? It's because I'm earning money for my funeral costs.

I wish I could just die in an accident. Then no one would blame themselves, for something I've wanted all along.

我真的很想死。。。太累了。。。