Bullshit Lies and the Cold Hearted Truth

"It's what's on the inside that counts." or "Everyone is beautiful in their own way." I'm sick of these shitty lies a thousand times. I look in the mirror in disgust every single day. You do not know what it's like to look In the mirror, to have ugliness looking back at you and telling you that you're not worth it...

Sure, you can be a wonderful person on the inside but it will never be as important as what's on the outside. "First impressions are lasting impressions," tells it all. That first impression is based almost entirely on looks. Why do we keep perpetuating this lie that what's on the inside counts? I don't do it, but I've heard people said it so many times when it's just loosely said without even thinking about it.

Does what's inside you matter? Sure, but the truth is, looks matters more than the heart. People don't give a shit about you if you have a nice heart but have an ugly face. Because what's inside on the heart can change, but looks can't be changed, even if so, plastic surgery is expensive. So what could I do? I tried being the nice guy around people and yet being treated like I'm a piece of shit. Ugliness has no place in this world. It is the hard truth, looks matter more than personalities.

I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of trying to hold on to the hope that all the nice things inside me might mean something to someone one day.

A cold-hearted rock I became; I suppressed my deep thoughts and emotions deep within. In order to prevent violent outbursts, I just didn't let myself feel any extremes. I was permanently neutral.

My friends would at times call me names, "Stupid", "Gay Faggot", "Idiot" and so on. Pretended not to be affected by it; laid back and cold, yet with a forceful smile, I replied, "Like I give a shit." Well, maybe I do, but my heart was too broken to deal with it anyway. Truth is, I felt destroyed.

When I allow myself to express those great outbursts of emotion, I usually come to regret it. People will give me those cold long look stares like I'm sort of maniac and through that, they have looked me in another eye. I have done the irreversible. 

But this lack of emotion that I call strength that helps me not actually give a shit takes to upkeep. I try to allow myself to channel my stress, or else it will all explode out at once in one terrible, humiliating mess. I used to de-stress it with piano, gaming, gyming and usually writing. But since I've been in the army I've realized that I don't necessarily have the time for all these activities. So now I de-stress by turning off my mind and turning on my hands. It's the quickest way I'm good at. 

Yet to avoid trouble by not punching anyone, giving the appearance of emotionless can get me a lot of flak from my friends. I'm supposed to be warm and inviting, instead, I'm called cold, sensitive, and stubborn. Often get called an Asshole. 

But I'm not an Asshole. And I want you to understand that I became an Asshole because people treat me like an Asshole. 

I do feel emotions. When you say hurtful things, they don't roll off of me. Because I seem strong but that does not mean I cannot be hurt.

I'm not suppressing my emotions, I'm just keeping them to myself. I'm a private person, these are private feelings. No one needs to know my feelings, no one needs to know my problems. My lack of outward emotion is a defence mechanism, one that I take great comfort in. I grew up in a world that was constantly outside of my control, and I allowed my emotions to mirror that. I'm an emotional roller coaster. 

Of course, I'm a coward and sensitive person. I hid behind those blankets at night and cried at times because I knew I couldn't be loved by others. Rejected and abandoned by those whom I tried to reach out and show love. Yet no matter how hard I tried, everything just fails. People never wanted to hang out with me, slowly they all avoided me when I have so much love and care to show them.

I really hate it when I tried so hard to make friends and put in so much efforts and when every single one of them started to leave me, I got so mad and angry that I threw a tantrum and everyone starts to think I'm crazy. Tell me who wouldn't be broken inside when every single day you put in every effort you have to try to make people feel loved and cared for. I feel like I want to give up so badly because no one gives a shit about me. No one would ever message me because I meant such little impact to them in life. No one would even know I died at home at all.

I'm more than ever to give up more life this time. I can feel it. It's obvious that many people here do not have a good understanding of what drives one to take their life. People pass judgments, comment on things that they think should be good for me, but yet many have never been in a situation to where they have to kill themselves to get out of desperate circumstances, that even the people you love won't even take you out of it.