Lingering memories, killing within.

I hate how my memories are killing me slowly from the inside out. Each time I am reminded of my childhood memories with my parents, it devastates me in my heart, to know that something so dear to me in the past could never be relieved again. Having to lose my mother in my late teens, the fear I had is haunting me every day, being afraid of losing my dad one day. People said, "Cherish our loved ones before they are gone if not, there will be regrets." But I think that we can never be prepared in losing our loved ones. There will always still be regrets no matter how much we pour out our love actions to our loved ones. Because we all know that when our loved one dies, the memories that linger in our mind, hurt us forever more, that the good things in life, are gone.

I could still remember vividly how my dad cried in front of my mom when she passed away. I never saw my dad cried before. My dad is an old fashioned person, and I guess crying is an unmanly thing to do for him. But I guess when people say when a man cries, someone means a lot to him. I thought my dad was tough. I have seen the love and I have seen anger from him, but I never saw that fear, pain and sadness in his eyes and gestures before in my life. For the very first time of my life, my dad sobbed. He just sobbed and sobbed, with a stunned and crippled-weaken look in his eyes, and the tears just kept flowing down his eyes.

So many things have broken my heart in life. It seems so hard to get better honestly. I get protective of my loved ones. When my mother died, I felt like there was nothing I could do to protect her and to make matters worse, guilt haunts me every day. It was really hard for me on that day when my mom was in the hospital for the last time, she was so weak and sick that she could hardly speak and it pains me as a son to see her like that. I remember hearing how long the suffering in eternity in hell would go on for those who reject Jesus would be "Billions upon trillions of years would pass and those in hell would cry out for death to come, but it would not come. There would be no release from the suffering." It broke my heart to know that if my mom was to be in hell to suffer for eternity, then how can I ever find comfort when an unsaved loved one, my own mother has died? What is the key to accepting the fact that she is gone?  

What could I do when the future seems so bleak, to be afraid of losing my dad one day and to be alone in the house forever? I cried. Cried because I guess friends around my age could never be in my shoes. Because they can see but can never understand and empathise the pains and overwhelming emotions. The worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone could see. No, the worst kind happened when my soul wept and no matter what I did or do, there was no way to comfort it. As time goes by, a section withered and became a scar on the part of my soul that survived.

I guess I got tired and scared of how things will never be going to be fine. Every day, it seems like it's nearing to the end. To put it like this, when you are born, your courage is strong and new. You are brave enough for anything. But as when you get older, your courage gets smaller and smaller, because of how circumstances hurt you, the fear of knowing how bad things can get and what pains feel like. By then, your courage barely moves at all. It's so entangled up with all the living hurts. So every once in a while, you have to get up and make it work or else you'll never be brave again. But it's always tough.

I tried so hard to come back to God but I'm so ashamed of my sins. I hate how I am gay, how I watched gay pornography every time and how I still dare to tell God that I will change but it doesn't happen. I don't really want to give up my sins yet I wanted to walk close with God. I don't know what to do.

Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be alone and lonely, to be afraid and angry yet depressed deep within. They can see and hear, but can never understand. They try their best for a while to listen but then they want the hurting person to do something he knows he can't do, to move on. So after a while, they stop trying to listen and then slowly they can't be bothered anymore. And that's where they stop talking to you. That's when I got to learn to hide the anger, the pain, the hurts, practice smiling in the mirror. It's like putting on a mask.