I can feel the end nearing

I am writing this letter to say goodbye if I die soon. If by seeing that sentence earlier gives you the impression that I'm attention seeking and being a melancholic dramatic person, then, by all means, continue to think that way, because I cannot control your mind. But for those who care enough, please let people know my blog if they don't know things about me because my blog has penned down all my thoughts and words that I failed to personally said to others before. My blog is who I am, my blog speaks for me.

Throughout my life, I would want to thank everybody who had made a difference in my life one way or another, be it good or bad, as experiences had mould my character to be more sensitive and mature. Sure I may not act like it when I'm with people around me, but I keep it a lot to myself, with all those thoughts lingering in my head.

I thank my parents who loved me dearly. I love you mom, even though you are gone, I still miss you every single day and I have never failed to remember you each day. I miss your presence and I definitely miss you being close at my side every day. Dad, I love you for taking care of the family and working so hard every day just to make sure we have foods to eat. I love you dad for being so loving towards me, constantly striving so hard to provide for me. Thanks for taking care of me even though mom has passed away and yet you miss her so dearly every single day. Mom and dad, I love you both very much.

After my mom died, I had friends who stood at my side most of the times, keeping me company and hanging out with me, making sure that I wasn't lonely. During those days, I had so many questions in my mind in regards to death and sufferings, which none of my friends had answers for. Slowly, I guess they grew tired of me, of my questions and lamentations, partly also because of their schools and works. After 2 years and a few months later, I was alone. My close friends whom I loved so much don't bother to message or call me to make sure I was alright anymore, more than that, they grew to someone that I rarely would know anymore. The sad thing is, is that I tried so hard to take the initiative to meet up with them, but they don't seem to have any interest to want to meet up with me anymore. It kind of hurt me, deep down, it felt like I wasn't wanted anymore in their lives. Sure they may not tell me directly, but having intuition is what makes us humans. Maybe I'm still kind of attention seeking. I don't know, but probably because I was the only child at home and it makes me so desperate to have someone at my side to talk to.

Depression hits me worse this time, stronger than ever. That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as the person sees the end in sight. But depression, it's so insidious and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. It is like a fog, being in a cage without a key. The worst part about being sad is that I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. Yet it's so hard for me to describe what I am feeling. There aren't enough words to express the emotions I held inside for so long. I could write for a thousand years and still, my thoughts would be incomplete.

I have friends told me that people who killed themselves are stupid, inconsiderate, and have never thought of their loved ones before they commit suicide. I kind of felt that the people who criticize so harshly are the ones who never had depression before. Not everyone is that positive, some are just more broken that it is. I honestly believe that they did think of their loved ones before they actually do kill themselves, it's just that the hurt is overwhelming them. People should honestly stop criticising things that they cannot understand. Do you ever just hurt? Do you ever get a deep pain in your chest, like a heavy rock that just sits there and kills you slowly and brings you down? Are you ever sad for no reason, all the time? That's my life.

What does depression feel like? Depression is like a nightmare. I have no control over what's going on. It seems like there is no way out and it feels like no one really cares. They say they do, but it's rare. No matter what I do, I'm never good enough. I'll always be useless, not good enough, worthless and hopeless. I'm scared and lonely all the time. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with, the feelings are always there. It feels like an endless circle of guilt. worthlessness, pain, fear, and weakness. I feel like there is no point in trying anymore. It's an endless circle of failure. I feel empty like I'm not really existing. I'm breathing, but that doesn't mean that I'm alive. It's when it hurts to smile, hurts to laugh, hurts to breathe. Everything I do hurts, and there's no getting away from it. No one understands what I'm feeling. I'm silent, but in reality, I am screaming for help and no one can save me. I am on my own for now on. Everything I do leaves me tired. Things that I used to enjoy, they don't bring any comfort to me. The only thing that might bring relief is the feeling of being indulging in sexual immorality. 

People don't understand what it's like living with depression. My throat tightens up with every sob as I cry, making it harder and harder to breathe. It's hoping that every night that I would wake up wishing all the thoughts and pains away, even though I know it won't. It's always lying when someone asks me "How are you?" when I lied by telling them "I'm fine" because I don't want them to leave me in the end. It's always feeling tired, even if I sleep for 10 hours. It's feeling so weak and my movements just slow down a lot. Depression is all of those things, and so much more. It's unexplainable. And no, it doesn't work that way where I can just wake up one day and say "Oh, I want to be happy" and be happy. Believe me, I've tried. I can't snap my fingers and just "be okay".

Sometimes I wonder what people would do if I really did kill myself. And for some reason, I can't help but think that they wouldn't care. When I've been sad for so long, that eventually, everyone kind of stops caring, and lets me sink more and more into the darkness. Isn't it weird, that how now I can have friends but also have no friends at the same time? I guess I'm breaking down because I'm sick of never being good enough and I'm done trying to be. My two main moods are "I hate everyone" and "I want someone to love me". I'm a failure. At school, outside school, even in Church. Everywhere I go, I'm the dumb, ugly and screwed up a friend. The friend that everyone replaces after a while.

Have you ever felt like when you wake up and the next thing you know is that you just want to die? That's me. That's how I feel every day. Some days, I cried so hard while other days I'm just numb and cold as a stone. I'm such a failure being a Christian. I'm sorry. I'm just too tired to carry on. I know a lot of people have given up on me. I'm sorry I've let you all down. I tried my very best in the past, but I guess a lot of things got unto me. I'm scared and afraid, I don't know why. I hate how the way I look, with all the scars on my face it's just horrible. I'm such a wimp, isn't it? A loser and just useless to everybody I know. I guess this is it. It's coming to me, my days are coming and I'm scared.

If I'm gone, someone does please take care of my dad and share the gospel to him. This world is just too painful to live on. I'm sorry to all those that I've let down.

With love,
Kah Sheng.