The hardest kind of day

I don't know what's the problem. It's so difficult to breathe everyday. Having Final Year Project every single day, doing till 9pm plus or at other times till 3am plus. Is this what life's all about? Now I understand what it means to know why people are unhappy is because,

People were created to be loved.
Things were created to be used. 

The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being love and people are being used. 

Yet to put things aside, every night I think about my mom. I try to put myself in her shoes. It's so difficult being her. I love her so much and I miss her so desperately. People don't know what it's like to lose a mother. I really wish they know what's the pain like and the agonies I have to go through everyday without a mother. It's just a deep desperation within me. A strong withdrawal symptom that I'm going through. It's like I'm motherless. I need her. 

I still can't believe she's gone like that and in fact, I don't want to move on. I just want to keep her forever with me in my heart. I don't want to let go of the memories I had with her. Everyday, I think of her last few days she suffered on Earth, the days where she was in hospital till the day she was cremated. 

I got scared, scared then of losing everyone I love around me. It's just like a little boy within me that comes out wanting happy endings but all's a fantasy. Life's hard and everything's changed. I don't know what to do. I hate it when I lose my mother and everyone's enjoying their mother. Ever since the day my mother died, I became so negative about everything in life. It seems so hard to become better.

The hardest kind of day is the one where when I wake up and regret everything that happened, and everything that didn't happen.

The hardest kind of day is the one where I wake up completely messed up and confused as to what happened in my life.

The hardest kind of day is the one where I wake up immediately begin to think, "I really wish I wouldn't wake up just now. I want to be dead. I don't deserve to be here."

The hardest kind of day is when nothing goes the way I planned.

The hardest kind of day is when I already feel like a screw up, then someone makes me feel worse about it. And then I realise, everything really is my fault.