The Tears That Gets In The Way

A year passed, and I still miss my mother every single moment, and every single day. I have never thought of losing my mother one day, it never came across my mind that I will lose her when I was still 18. Till that day when she laid on the hospital bed motionless, fear gripped me so tightly, that I may never see her again, and it did.



My mom and I

Death is common around the world, but it will never impact us so greatly till we actually are the ones who experience it firsthand, especially losing your mom or your dad. That day till now, I am still at a lost. I don’t know how I could go through my life 70 years down the road without my mother. I always thought that I could make it on my own, but then since she left, I hardly make it through the day. My tears always get in the way and I desperately need my mother back to stay.



All I want is just the way it used to be, with her here close to me. But I just can’t believe it’s real, that I am lost without her love.



When my mother was in her secondary school days...

I struggled everyday waking up trying to live for God as well as to stay strong. It’s tough. Sometimes, I just get so melancholic, with the memories just keep flashing in my mind, it’s almost difficult not to breakdown. I know I couldn’t go around with a long face and being pessimistic.




But I learnt the hard way that in reality, no one really likes people who are pessimistic. I hid my grief each time people talked to me and a smile I covered with it. I don’t know how long I can keep on showing how strong I am. Soon people just lost touch of how you feel. No one lives your life, and you just have no choice but to carry on with what you are having on.




The cremation scene still haunts me till today. I couldn't bear to see my mother being cremated. The pain is just unbearable to know that my mom's body was about to be burnt to ashes.

At 18 years old,
My mother died.
I was in complete devastation.
I honestly don’t know what to do,
It felt, like my mother was still alive, and standing next to me.
But some tiny part inside of me, told me she was dead.
I tried to shut the part up.
But soon, I learned that the part of me was right,
She was dead.
I cried in agony.
I guess I was always in shock.

I still went to church and after a couple of months;
I still couldn’t get over the fact that she is dead



My friends in Church would pray to God, and tell me how great He was.
In the bible, it always said all these great things about what Jesus and God did. Like how God created the world and He saved us.
Then, it hit me.

How…? How do I worship God when my mom is gone?
People kept telling us to worship God,
For all he's given to us.
Worship him?
How?
My mother's dead.
How should I thank him for that?
Everyone kept saying, God is so amazing.
I really want to say the same like they do
It makes me wonder if everything I believe in my whole life was for nothing. Then I would feel so guilty for not believing in my saviour.
But still, I thought, I have come so far in believing in Jesus, no point stopping it after coming so far.
I still believe in God but it’s just so hard for me to worship Him the way I used to.

Sometimes, I am afraid of deceiving myself thinking that God is there with me, smiling at me, but perhaps He has withdrawn his presence from me because of my stupid crazy attitude, of getting emotional, sentimental and almost about everything.

Is God sick and tired of my grieving? Is He sick and tired of my “God I am sorry, please forgive me.”?

Each day as I awoke, I knew I have to face through the day, knowing my mom will never be there anymore. It’s just my dad and I. It breaks my heart to know my dad lost his wife and my mother. Each day, having him to cry internally inside without me knowing, just wants to show how strong he is coping but I know deeply inside that he breaks down and cry silently at night before he sleeps.



When both of them got married

Dad, it’s been difficult for you throughout this year even when mom’s not around. Even when she’s gone, you still tried to stay strong.




Dad I love you so much…
I can’t imagine one day without you.
It will then just be me alone all in the empty house.
I would cry all alone in your empty room with the thoughts of you and my mom together.




I just want to see you smile, to hug you and would just want to hear your voice again.
I know, we all had our “I wish I could have done it more” moments and we are always told “Look forward, do whatever you can now.” But I believe, that there are times we need to reflect back, and how we can have these small moments of “I wish” with our loved ones in our mind.



My dad and I

Many of my friends don’t really know what it’s like losing a mother. They have this idea of losing someone precious is like losing your favourite pen or your favourite toy or whatsoever. Sometimes it just pains me to see my friends having a family together. It breaks my heart so much.



My mother's birthday

It’s like I am just fading in and out of people’s lives. People simply walked past me as if I never exist. It’s like I just don’t know what to do, I am so sick of going through this almost every day. It’s so hard to stay positive when nothing ever goes right.

I guess people think they know me. They think they know how I’m handling the situation. But the truth is, no one knows. No one knows what happens after they left. When I am lying in bed or sitting over my breakfast alone and all I want to do is cry or scream. They don’t know what’s going on inside my head, the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. They just don’t know. And so they pretend and think I am doing great when I’m really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but me.

At the end of the day, I know that…

A thousand words could not bring you back, I know because I’ve tried.

A thousand tears could not bring you back, I know because I’ve cried.

I really miss you mom, the world would be complete if I had you back again.

You’re always in my thoughts no matter where I go.

You’re always in my heart, because I loved you so.

Almost a year has passed.

However long my life might last, whatever joy or grief is mine, I still remember you.

I really miss you mom. Dad misses you too.

I miss so much of you of every little thing you do.

Each room in the house reminds me of what you do.

I think of you very often and wonder what it would have been like, if you were still around, to be there for me, seeing me struggle to live my life and survive.

I know you wouldn’t stand back at all to watch me stumble around and fall.

Love and care of a mom, but I am without you now, and ready to fall.

I am all alone in my fights to survive, pick up the pieces and walk with life.

If only you knew how alone I am, and how very much I miss you mom.

I thought you will always be around during my hard times and hurts with life.

Not even once, it has crossed my mind, that you would suddenly just be gone.

I live with your love and memories of you even though you are not around anymore.

Your teachings became part of the way of my life yet I am missing you so much, out of all.

I may always say bad things behind your back and I do things that displease you.

I go to places without your permission and I have said many things that might have hurt you a lot.

But believe me mom, I could never ask for any other mother than you.

I do cry silently, and my heart still hurts today because the best thing in my life has gone.

Because life is an irony, it takes an absence to know how much you mean to me.

Dad still loves you mom, and so do I.

We will always miss you with all our hearts.