I hate everything about me

I never imagined myself to live till this day, being nearing my 30s and having a career. Deep down I feel so alone and lonely. I honestly wish I have friends. It's hard to believe at this age where a person could have no friends, but I truly believed that I have people but no "friends". 

I can scroll through my contacts list and know that I don't have anyone I can really confide in because I know no one will understand where my heart is coming from. People will always be quick to give a one time solution advice for it all. Whenever I browse through my Instagram, I see all these people hanging out together, having fun, doing things that makes them happy; being in contentment with the cliques they are with. I felt so heartbroken as I looked through these videos and photos of them because I was wondering why I don't have such people in my life? I somewhat felt like I had social media jealousy. I wish I had friends like these.

It's funny how I'm turning 30 year yet I can't a grip on myself. Life is so unfair, I feel like it's the most unfairest thing around. You know what's my life like? It’s like those moments when I'm the one that has to organize my own birthday party and have to invite people who don't seemed to be interested in me to come and attend but there's free food right? So yea. But even that no one wants to come, so with all the effort put in, it has gone to waste.

I wanted to feel like I meant something to someone's life. I want to feel like I don't want to be a forceful friend to those around me but I can't help to think that no one truly wants to hang out with me because I have nothing to offer. If one thing I learnt is that I'm always forcing my way into peoples’ lives. It's hard, and I realise I absolutely have no leverage or benefits to offer in friendships.

I wish people could look at me and said that they want me. But no, I can't even bear to look at myself and to even want myself either. And everyday I am just so disgusted with how I am and I just, simply want to go you know. Its like I can't jump down without having to worry my dad you know. Having him to realise all these fake smiles were all lies that he had so foolishly believed in, is going to guilt trip him even further and I won't be there for him to console him to say that it's not his fault. It's not your fault dad.

Truth be told, it pains me to leave and pains me to die knowing that no one cares anyway. I mean if I live and no one cares why would it mean any different if I die anyway. And knowing that my whole existence in life and death is absolutely worthless. The moment when I was born, I was a tool to be sold; a monetary gain for someone’s benefit. 

I was a mistake to begin with. It wasn't love. It was money made or just unplanned sex by my parents, my real parents who gave me away for whatever reasons. Perhaps that’s my destiny, to be used and never be made whole in friendships and relationships. 

I guess I'm tired. Tired of chasing myself to be better. I hate it when I'm ugly and I have to act like it's not affecting me but its really affecting me in so many ways. It's like I have to live with it. I’m trying my best to be kind to myself, but I’m my own harshest critic. 

I'm tired of the work that I have to interact with customers, forced a smile, having intensive conversation but at the back of my mind, all I want to do is to jump down and commit suicide. I think it's better to jump down than to be constantly judged by everyone who don't know what you've been through and have to justify your intentions throughout your life. 

People won’t understand what’s it’s like to fight with your inner demons which they are constantly eating you up slowly within. People won’t understand why people want to commit suicide; what actually drives them to take their own lives. Kind of sad when I don’t fit into anyone’s life. When I'm working in service line but I'm suicidal as fuck, being forced to put a pretentious happy self to attend to customers yet trying to keep my sanity and the will to live together. 

Everyone seems so readily to give up on me and what’s the actual point to keep never giving up on myself? For what? If the world actually gives up on me, why do I try so hard to stay for the world, or even my ownself when I don't want to have anything to do with myself?

I gave up sharing my problems and even my thoughts, because what’s the point where everyone wants to be understood but fails to understand each other. At the end of the day, the world is loud and people are not interested in knowing either. 

My problems are solely meant to be borne by me alone. As I grew up I realised that keeping everything in private is better than being loud. I can’t remember what my passions were or how to pursue them. My interests as of now are one dimensional. I’ve lost my personality trying to maintain stability, but sometimes I’m a funny internet man. I saved and shared memes, in hopes to make others and myself happy. Deep down, I wish I was never alive.

Basically my life in 7 words: everything I was afraid of happening, happened. I felt sad when I believed that I’ve put in my best yet people still blame me like as if I didn't give it my all. I let myself fall in a very deep and dark place, where not even my loved ones could pull me out of it. I love these relapses of mine. It’s like my very own dark solitude comfort. 

It’s like I’m in this deep and dark place which I find so much comfort in. When I am inside for far too long, I don’t feel like leaving it. It feels like "it" understands me when no one else could. It’s frightening of what is actually constantly driving me to kill myself is the one I seek shelter in which it comforts me. It’s such an irony isn’t it? 

Sometimes I fear the moment I’m in love, people just leave; he leaves. He told me he won’t. He gave me assurance. But I’m just afraid. I don’t know why. Why am I so afraid? Is it because of my past experiences, the way I treated my parents and perhaps it’s my karma? I don’t know. I’m so tired and disgusted with myself. I find myself so revolting. Sometimes I wonder if he is slowly losing interest in me. It pains me if that’s happening. But I cannot force love isn’t it. I cannot make myself so desperate in fear of making people run. I wish I know how to make love stay. When a person leaves, I doubt myself. I doubt my looks. I doubt my personality. What went wrong? But no one will ever understand. Each have their own problems and they will never able to comprehend what is actually hurting me. I guess this is life. I have so much to say but I'm silent inside. I have no one to voice out to; no one to cry and comfort myself on what went wrong. Alas, they all left when they promised they won't. Was I angry with them? Never. I hated myself even more.

And then there I smile. I create this persona where I’m happy and doing well. Am I really? Have I gotten used to the hurts or am I who I really am? I don’t know. In fact I don’t blame anyone who wants to leave me. Because given a choice, I would also definitely want to leave myself too. It isn’t their fault. It’s my fault from the start. Kinda sad when I see people gave up on me so easily, makes me all the more that I want to give up on myself too. 

Why stay on to myself when no one wants to? There are many days where I just want to shut down and cry. Today is that day again. 

The more experiences I had of people leaving me. The more I chose to close myself. So that I wouldn’t hurt others and myself to struggle with the contemplation of leaving when it needs to. How do I accept myself when all I have is hate on myself? Why do I love to do the things that kills me?

They say you got to love yourself. But why do I feel like I’m trying too hard to love myself that eventually I hate myself even more? Do you know what it’s like being gay and ugly at the same time? It’s like playing one of life’s difficulty challenge on an extreme level. You’re constantly obsessed with good looking guys knowing you have no chance being with them because of how "wrong" it is in society's standards, or even coming close to look somewhat like their appearances. I can only sulk, look in the mirror and just see every single imperfections I can think of. Then I cry, tears rolling down to see there’s literally nothing I can do to change my physical appearance. And I have to just keep on living while I'm just dying or already even being dead inside. 

Have you ever look at someone who's so good looking and you look at yourself and you just feel like total absolute shit and you just want to shut down completely and go home, disappear cry and stuff like that; Even like just die? Yea it's that bad. 

When I say I'm ugly, I'm dead serious. I'm not fishing for anyone's compliments. That's just how I really feel about myself. I think I'm "okay" looking though. But overall, I think I'm unattractive. There's much more handsome and good looking guys out there, that there's too much that I can't even count. Everything they do is better than what I do, even when they make those silly faces or act stupid. I wish I was more attractive. I honestly wish I was one of those guys. I feel like I'm just completely worthless and unattractive on a physical and emotional level and I'm just never good enough because there's always someone else that overpowers me with their handsome face and personality and I just instantly back down because I feel like I have literally nothing to fight against with. My heart felt even worse off than before and crumpled inside. I want to run and hide away from public's sight.

Maybe they were right. I’m not worth the love. They avoided me like I'm a plague. Am I really that unlovable? I’m not worth the want anyway. Sometimes I don’t know what to say when I don’t mean anything to anyone. I think one of the greatest pains, is knowing how little you meant to everyone and its pretty fucking painful. I'm never opening up to anyone ever again. It's a stupid idea.

Maybe God is just punishing me. To be easily alienated by others. An aura that presides upon me that makes people distant away from me. I wish I matter. I wish I wasn't an option. I feel like no one gets excited in wanting to hang out with me.

I'm starting to slowly reach that point in my life where I'm totally nonchalant to everything. People talking about me behind my back. People hating me for certain reasons. People hurting me and not caring that they did. Promises will be broken even though they were promised. There are people I used to talk to every day that I will never speak to again. The truth is, I still care about them. It hurts me and it's too tiring. 

Everyone has that one friend they'd choose over anyone, to talk to, hang out with; it doesn't matter. They're always the first choice. I get an empty feeling in my chest, when I realise that I'm never that friend to anyone. I'm not important. Everyone will do just fine without me anyway.

Being suicidal at a young age before 18 is strange, because you grow up with this idea that one day you'll finally snap, turn off, be brave enough to kill yourself, or that you'll recover from this suicidal tendencies and that everything will fall in the right place like it seems to be for "normal" people, so you don't really plan for the future. Before you know it that you're 18 and you're an adult but you never thought you'll get this far and sure it's great that you're still alive but you still feel so alone and lost in a world you never expected or planned to be a part of. In your 20s is just picking up the pieces and trying to play catch-up with people who had a plan, and you have no idea how to be a functioning adult because you never planned on getting this far or you never bothered to learn. So that's what you are doing, fleeting life on earth hoping things will be better someday.

I find it crazy that I can be so depressed and no one around me notices. Maybe they did. Maybe everyone's in their own depression; big or small. Maybe we are just not used to caring about depression since its just like an emotion where Asian culture frowns upon like you are a weakling and being told to just man-it-up. Not that I'm seeking for attention, but the fact that you can literally be on the verge of tears, drowning, and everyone is totally oblivious or even obvious, and no one really cares, it's scary.

Today, I realised that I'm the biggest hypocrite of them all. I tell everyone to keep holding on that and they have so much potential in them. That everything will get better as long they continue to persevere. I always tell people to have hope that they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up, and they have so much ahead in their lives to live for. Then there is me, and I'm ready to end my life once and for all.