Ceased to exist

I walked with a heavy heart and gazed at the structure that many had walked in to. I stood outside the church and with a heavy breath, I stepped into the church and into the hall. The feeling was weird, to have numerous people saying "Hi" to me was strange enough, not that it passed me off without feeling accepted, but it makes wonder if I truly deserved that simple brightest hello they have...

I sat there cold and heartbroken...I don't know what went wrong with my life, heck I don't even know when it all went down the spiral. All I wanted to do was to just restart my life all over again. As the worship songs started playing on the stage, my eyes and heart wandered off to the 4 walls of the church. I began questioning myself; my spiritual being. "I'm tired of fighting..." I told God honestly..."tired of being ugly, being hurt, tired of being in too many religious debates but most of all tired of fighting, fighting a battle I know I can't win."

As I stood there, while the multitudes of people lifting their hands to God, I was in bitterness with tears welling up in my eyes, "I can't let people know about my vulnerability, I can't let them know I'm weak." I repeated those words in my head. I looked around and I wish I was like them, being who they are yet I'm this piece of shit that I can't possibly be what I want. I realised after all these years of cold shoulders and angry talks with others were the very pains that people did not feel what I felt, and I wanted them to feel the pains I went through all these years.

I've come to a point in life where I just gave up. Gave up searching for someone, gave up fighting, gave up believing, gave up my hopes, dreams and aspirations, gave up myself and my life. I'm tired of chasing things that aren't meant for me, most of all, I gave up...me.

Whenever someone asks me what's wrong, I'm not quite sure what to say. I froze and hesitated, I can't even understand my own situation and how do I even explain to someone else...? I think that I'm trying very hard to make things right, want to get back to the way things used to be, but I'm always faced with the ugly self in front of me, the disfiguration of my outer being and inner scars. I don't think anyone could possibly imagine what it's like to be feeling this way, that's why I say I'm okay...

People failed to see the hurts I'm going through, failed to understand why my sudden outbursts and outcries in agony. I want to go to a bar, to have my first drink and cry my soul out. I feel like I wasn't born to have any friends to confide in. Everything that I've done, everything that I've touched, everyone that I had turned to, it's like I'm been told that I should cease to exist.

I've come to a point, that I've stopped, stopped trying, stopped living and ready to die. I'm fighting a battle I've known that is lost. It's been too many times for wherever I go, It's like I'm neither here nor there. People said I'm pleasant looking but no one wants to be with me. People said that I have a great personality but no one wants to hang out with me. People said I need to socialise more but no one wants to strike a conversation with me. I don't understand...that's why I guess it's better to keep my mouth shut anyway.


I find it so hard to continue living...There's no motivation for me to keep me going. I feel...so depressed...I'm tired of hearing people telling me what I need to do, or what should be done correctly, but how can they know what my heart is truly saying...? 

I'm tired...tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of believing, that things will work out fine...but it's just not happening. Despondency has set into my heart, anguish enveloped me like it was my own blanket. It was my birthday on 27th October but other than those ritualistic "Happy Birthday" wishes on Facebook. I was in fact, alone and lonely. 

It doesn't make any things better to realise that I don't have any friends who would be so willing to even make an effort just to make my 1 day, to feel special and appreciated. I guess that's how I knew how much I'm being valued in other peoples' eyes, worthless and nothing. I feel like I give in to too many people. No one ever loves me, wants me or appreciates me at all...I don't even know why I feel like a small piece of shit in everybody's eyes...am I really, really that insignificant? People said you got to love yourself, but how do you even love yourself when there's nothing to love about yourself?

I don't know why I don't have the courage to be myself when I'm with people. I smile the brightest, being the noisiest, and the most energetic when I'm socialising. But deep down, I feel like I could break down and cry at any time. I feel so weak and so useless. I can feel my heart crying inside, slowly admitting to myself, that's it, it's nearing to my death.

I can laugh so much but at the end of the day I feel so unloved. Why is it so hard to kill yourself on the outside when you've died on the inside? I really wish I could gather all that strength, to have what it takes to put both my feet on the edge and to walk with one foot ahead out in the open space without any fear.

I feel lonely...very, very lonely. It seems like I've this aura that people don't like to talk to me, or just find me God damn irritating to talk to...I cry not because I'm dying. I cry because no one gets to understand me and know my heart before I'm dead...

You know what makes me upset? That I've been trying hard, really hard to make things work. But it doesn't. It never works. People get irritated when they see me wanting to talk to them, detested the sight of me and will never want to contact me. I'm tired, really tired of trying so hard so that people will not say I didn't put in my best. But I did and I know I did put in all my best in where ever I'm going and whatever I'm doing. But this is it... I'm drained and exhausted. I can't wait to end my life because nothing interests me anymore. I'm done...

Forgive me, God, for I know I've done a thousand sins that could never be forgiven, the blasphemies that hurt your grieving heart and the pain that I've struck upon your spirit. But if I could kindly ask that you could forgive me for all my wicked sins and my breaking heart, that if I were to end my life tonight, please bring me somewhere I could finally smile in peace and be happy forever, because I'm just so tired of caring for others, tired of being repulsive, melancholic, ugly, craving for the idealistic beauty of other people, tired of just being me. I'm neither unique nor special, or I know that life is hurting me so, so badly and I just want to jump down and end-all of these sufferings and pains.

I'm telling myself just so hard..."Please don't jump, please don't jump...please don't jump..." But I'm losing my motivation and the voice that keeps me holding back. I'm probably succumbing to the consciousness of my own futility and end.

Not sure why but it feels like I've come to a point where I'm just so tired of fighting a fight that I've known that I could never win; a battle that's lost. So tired of going through my relapses to know that I will never obtain a scar-less face and a mended heart. I'm tired. Absolutely disgusted with my existence and if only religion never existed, I'll end all this without hesitation...