It's just sad really. I don't even know why I care so much for everybody, making sure that they are alright. But no one ever goes all out for me to make sure I'm fine. I'm tired really...I hate it when no one takes me seriously. I'm the one always get left out. I'm the one always getting scolded. I'm the one always trying to be the good guy but always been treated like a bad one. I really really care so much for everybody but I'm always the one that no one gives a shit about. And it hurts me so, so...so damn much. I'm tired. I really am.
Being left out is really really horrible. But I can't say anything without sounding jealous or like a cry baby. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not popular, like really. I look at other gay guys out there, they have 250 over likes and stuff even if I can post the same status and have the same mutual friends. Maybe it's the way I look. I strongly believe I have a great personality. But I guess it's the looks that kill me. You do not know what it's like to look In the mirror, to have ugliness looking back at you and telling you that you're not worth it...
I honestly feel that I have no friends. I swear I'm not exaggerating it, but it's true. I can scroll through all my contacts list and not a single one I can actually trust and confide my problems to. Every day, no one ever takes the initiative to message me but I'm always the one to ask them how they were doing, how's their day, have they took their meals and so on. I feel like I'm just trying too hard but I just want to feel like I exist you know. I just want someone to love me for who I am. I feel really sad, I really do. Because of no matter how much I try to love someone. No one ever loves me back and it just irritates me so much that I'm trying so hard but no one ever gives me the chance to be with them. I don't know what's wrong. Why is everyone treating me this way...like I shouldn't be alive at all. Everyone I love and care about left me.
When I withdrew myself from others, some of my friends I thought I could confide in asked about my behaviour. I hesitated to tell them about my problems but I thought maybe things would be different. Later did I know when I opened myself and shared that I actually really wanted to die, all they could do at that point was to lecture me, chastise me, scold me "Fuck you!", "Wake the fuck up", "Don't be an idiot!" and the list goes on. Really...? When I thought I could finally find a shoulder to cry on, someone to be my listening ears and not be judged without knowing all the struggles I went through, I got criticized so badly that I rather wish I die at that spot.
I've given up on hoping people would hear me out, given up on thinking that there's still hope for me. Because nothing hurts more in life to have no hope and continue living in hell. I'm crying so God damn badly, that I really really have no one who can actually bother to sit down and hear what I have to say and understand my problems. I've never felt so hard to live on where no one actually truly cares about me.
It's getting harder, every fucking day and I don't know how much longer I can take. I want to kill myself so badly. Just how much must I take in order to end it all? The only thing stopping me? No. Not hope. It's the fact that I'm too scared to do it. Too weak. I hate that so much. Why can't I just do it? One of these days maybe I'll get the courage to do it. I hope so, because I'm so, so, so sick of living...
Every day I think about killing myself. Every day, I just look at opportunities to end my life. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want people to think I'm crazy, but I'm tired of life and everything about it. I know killing myself won't solve anything, but I don't want to live in a world I'm not happy in. I'm sad and terribly shattered.
Telling someone that they shouldn't be sad because other people have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because other people have it better. Pain and suffering are conceptual. People pretend they can't see it but it's there. It's there, you just can't dismiss it. I hate this society so much because it taught me to hide my hurts and pretend that I must be a happy fuck or else no one would like me, while it kills me on the inside to live like a sad fuck.
I'm more than ever to give up more on life this time. I can feel it. It's obvious that many people here do not have a good understanding on what drives one to take their life. People pass judgement, yet many have never been in a situation to where they have to kill themselves to get out of a desperate situation that even the people you love won't take you out of. I feel like no one will understand how depressed I am until I kill myself. My dad and everyone around me has no god damn idea how suicidal I am. Everyone thought I'm the joker and the laughing guy. I dropped so many hints to people around me how much I wanted to die yet they could do was to laugh and thought that I was joking. I felt so hurt that I wasn't taken seriously. I was looking in the mirror tonight...and I swear, I've never seen someone whose eyes were so full of pain and despair.
Dying is such a beautiful thing, and no one notices my sadness. Maybe that's why I want to leave. I hope you guys understand that I'm not dumb or stupid, that I don't know how to think in life and I need to widen my perspective and such. I had enough of all the positivism when I tried so hard to put in so much efforts everyday and no one, I repeat, no one actually gives a fuck about me, whether I existed or not. Every breath I breathe hurts me to live on and yet I have to go around helping others to make sure that they are alright, that they are being thought of and being loved. And then they have the audacity to tell me to try to be positive and stop being foolish to think negative? Really!? When they are so god damn blind to see how hard I tried!
I feel like killing everybody I know. Everyone keeps hurting me and I always kept holding on, holding on, and holding on, hoping things might be better one day. I feel like people just need to feel what I feel, to let them know how much it pains me for them to kill me. I want them to pay, to suffer what I suffered. I feel like I'm begging everyone to stay with me but no one ever begs me to be alive.
Everyday I go to my bed and I just wish to die so god damn badly. No one ever sees my tears of how much I kept putting in so so so much efforts and people just God damn hate me for it. This kind of life keeps breaking my heart. Tell me...where did I go wrong?
Dude, your posts, your entire blog here, it's like you've taken every thought and feeling in my head and put it into words. I'm straight but it doesn't matter what you are. It wasn't a choice, it was how you're born.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing you should do is give up religion; it's bullshit. This is coming from someone who was born and raised Catholic. If you stop, and truly look at things with facts, evidence and hard science, it's obvious that there at least is no God or Jesus, and the Bible is fake. Accepting that and then looking at the world as it is, an unfair and unjust place, making things at least a little easier, although in a messed up sort of way.
But yea, I completely feel like what you write, and I know I'm not alone, and neither are you.
Hey there, thanks for reading my blog. It's funny but my blog is what's keeping me alive...hope things are going fine for you and may you survive another to deal with this world's bullshit. I'm here if you need me to chat...
ReplyDeleteI think that in this world we are not alone dealing with this shit. There is lot of people that maybe dont give a fuck or something else. But i cant just to forget it. its one of the hardest experience human can develeop and there is so many assholes that dont understand. Everyday of my life is fight inside between "get over it" and "i want die". Rational thinking is one the best and one of the worst things we can involve ourselves. I gives you clear view of life without feelings but also the real view without ilusions is so cold and hard. O in summary rational thinking can be a good point to make desicions in life. And being atheist i agree with other anonymous that religion is sort of bullshit and waste of time, but if it help you somewhat then its fine.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like you blog. If its keeping you alive then please continue coz maybe it also helps for other people, for example me !
Hey there, i've been reading some entries of your blog and i just wanted to tell you that i get you and i know how hard it is to always be the one who feels left out and lost and the one who does all the effort to be friends with someone, but don't give up. I've had up and downs for quite a long time and it gets better, maybe not completely better but it does, or maybe it gets fully better and we just don't know it. i can't understand why don't you have friend because you seem like a great person, if you even need to talk, although we don't know each other, i'm here for you :)
ReplyDeleteYou took what I feel and put it in a blog seriously I help and all people do is say shut up stop crying . It hurts the most when they say people have it worse and I think," I shouldn't be sad" but then I can't stop crying and all my mom and dad do are ignore me , and after a while they come in slap me and tell me to shut up
ReplyDeleteHey man, you haven't posted in over 2 month, just wondering how things are going.
ReplyDeleteHey Dan, I've been good. Other than being busy in camp going through the motions of life meaningless hahah Bear with me, I will post up another post soon.
DeleteWhat's up Kahsheng, haven't posted anything in two months now. Everything okay?
ReplyDelete