In this lonesome dream

I don’t think I’ve ever truly been happy.
I’ve tried—God, I’ve tried so hard—but the sadness never leaves. And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that no one really sees how hard I’m fighting just to make it through the day.
To smile. To feel like I belong somewhere. To feel like I matter.

You have no idea how exhausting it is—
Trying to be cheerful.
Trying to reach out.
Trying to hold myself together in a world where it feels like no one gives a damn.
I ask myself every day—
Why am I trying so hard for people who wouldn’t even notice if I disappeared?

I message people I care about. I try to connect.
But most of the time, it feels one-sided—like I’m the only one who wants it.
Like I’m bothering them just by saying “hi.”
Do you know how humiliating that feels?
To put your heart into a message, only to be met with silence, or worse—forced politeness?

It’s in those moments I realise just how alone I am.
People can hear me—but they don’t understand.
They don’t understand what it’s like to be stuck inside your own mind,
Where every thought turns on you,
Where you feel like a burden for existing,
Where the night comes, and all you have are the voices in your head asking:
“Why are you still here?”

I’m not writing this for pity. I don’t want attention.
I just want someone—anyone—to truly see me.
To hear me, and not just listen.
To reach out, not because they feel obligated,
But because they actually care.

Because right now…
It feels like I’m fading.
And no one would even notice if I was gone.

I’m growing tired. Not the kind of tired that sleep can fix —
but the kind that settles deep in your soul,
where even the light feels too heavy to carry.

Somewhere along the way,
I got too comfortable with sadness.
I wear it like a jacket now —
something familiar, something warm,
because the world outside is too cold, too sharp, too cruel.

Isn’t it strange?
How sorrow — this thing everyone fears,
this thing people look away from —
became my comfort, my refuge, my home?

I don't know if I even want to feel better anymore.
What would that look like?
What if I can’t recognize myself without this pain?
This darkness, as much as it hurts, feels like the only part of me that's real.
It's always here.
Unlike people.

People…
They make friends so easily.
Conversations flow, laughter spills effortlessly — but not for me.
For me, it’s silence. It’s effort. It’s hope that never gets answered.

Do you know how it feels to always be the one who texts first?
To try — again and again — just to hear someone say “Hi,”
and still, be met with silence?
Or worse — indifference?

I don’t think anyone really wants me.
Hell, I don’t even want me.
I try so damn hard to look better, to sound better, to be better.
And still, I’m invisible.
Forgettable.
Unlovable.

I used to believe that if I just became “enough,”
maybe someone would stay.
But no one ever does.
They leave me hanging — mid-conversation, mid-promise, mid-hope.

You know what hurts most?
That I tried.
I tried so fucking hard to be someone worth loving.
I thought if I was kind enough, funny enough, nice enough —
someone might finally see me.
Want me.

But the truth is…
If you don’t look good in this world,
if you don’t shine,
no one gives you a chance to prove your heart.

I feel like the background noise in everyone else’s story.
The “Why are you even here?” person.
The one who’s always trying, and always failing.

I don’t matter — not on a Monday, not on a Friday, not on any damn day of the week.
My phone stays silent.
No one ever checks in. No one asks if I’m okay.
No one even says “Hi.”

You know how fucking tiring it is to try so hard but having no one there for you. No one just knows how much I tried and cried, yet being silently judged behind the computer screens by others of what an attention seeker I am. I'm also a human! I also need friends! I also need a relationship! I cannot keep being an option not when I put others first in my life. I'm so sick of being treated like I'm nothing at all. Everyone says they are busy but am I not busy as well!? I'm in National Service and I have every right to say that I am busy but yet I still opt out my free time to choose to meet people I care about! I'm tired of being treated like fucking shit.

I'm so God damn fucking tired of trying so hard for everybody. I'm really tired of me being the one wanting to take the initiative to say "Hey! How's your day?" I'm tired of having to ask people to meet up yet end up being rejected as always. And I will never ever get the reply back from people whom I care about, or when would they be free to meet up. It's always "No, I'm sorry. I can't make it." I even put my available dates but not a shit reply was given back. And that's the last straw of everything and every effort I put in. So I'm ending my life soon. And when you all come and say "Don't do it!" Guess what, I'll be the one this time to say "No."

I feel like people think I'm stupid when I'm feeling sad. They think I'm unappreciative of life, that I'm just one of those cowards who does not know how to think in life. When people say that I have nothing to be depressed about, that hurts the most. To be honest, I don't remember saying "I'm not okay" when people ask me if I am. I wish I could say "I'm not." But all that comes out of my mouth is "I'm good" with a big fake smile. I feel like my answer is the one people want to hear. I feel like no one cares about the real answer, or about how I really feel.

Days like these, in this lone and long nights, I feel like I don't even know what's going on anymore. I don't even care about anything anymore. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I'm confused about my feelings, and I can't explain how I feel. I have that feeling of emptiness and the feeling that no one is there for me. The feeling that no one understands me at all, and it seems like there's nothing to look forward to anymore either. I want nothing more than to curl beneath the blanket, close my eyes, engulfed in the deep sadness and die.

And so this is my story that ends, as Johnny asked Steven if he was angry, Steven turned around, with a saddening smile, tears rolling down and said, "No...of course not. I'm just disappointed at myself for being ugly that no one wants me..."