It hurts so much

I'm crying these tears right now. It's too hard for me. I honestly have never known anyone who actually really believe in me, and that I was enough for them. I'm suicidal as hell, I'm a monster. I hurt everyone I care and love about and my anxiety is through the roof. I don't deserve to be here. It's hard for me to let people in because I know how much I will hurt them. I've been sitting here in my room for hours, crying these tears that no one ever sees.

There's so much for me to say, but no one to listen. I'm really sad. The worst kind of sad too, the kind where I know, deep down, that there's nothing I can do even though I wish I could. I've stopped opening up to people around me. I intentionally hurt them through my words and actions because I don't want them to hurt me first. Because I've built my walls so high, and all I'm afraid of is everything just crumble and falls apart. I've stopped talking about how I felt because I knew no one cared anyway.

It depresses me so much that I'm still alive every morning. I didn't want to wake up. I was really having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad because it's almost like a reverse nightmare. Like when I wake up from a nightmare, I'm so relieved. But I woke up into a nightmare.

What's wrong with me? I'm sick of feeling this way. Again, I want to cry but the tears just ran dry. I'm in so much pain and hurts, its that kind of aching feeling that I can feel in my heart and it affects me so much in my physical movements. You cannot possibly imagine exactly how much I hate myself.

I'm just kind of tired, you know? I want to stop trying and not care for a few days, being with people around me. Because I'm a little tired of feeling like a failure. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. Is that too much to ask? I feel like absolute crap, but everyone thinks I'm okay.

Only someone who suffers with it, knows just how paralysing depression can be. I don't want the world to see me, because...I don't think that they'd understand. I lie to my friends, because it they know the real me, they'd be freaked. Everything just keeps getting worse. I'm just so full of negative thoughts. I feel like if I died, no one would even notice. I'm sorry I'm not an easy person to be with. If they only know what went on inside my head, they would all run away.

I can't...I can't do this anymore.